Challenges to Being a Responsive, Sensitive and Reflective Parent

Ppt: “She needs nursing to go to sleep.” Int: “How do you find that as a mum?”

Ppt: “Draining … really … it’s fine when there’s other people in the house but when it’s just me …” Participant 016

The challenges of being a parent in Merseyside were explored. It was clear from parents’ responses those factors in both the child’s life and the parent’s life could influence the need for support for parents. Factors related to the child included illness, sleep routine and the perceived temperament. The parents themselves commented how lack of sleep due to the child’s sleep routine, overcoming isolation and the help they had at home were key factors to that influenced the amount of support they needed. The following diagram, Figure 5.6 shows these results and each of these factors is considered in more detail below;

Parental Challenges

The Child The Parent

Themselves Illness Perceived Temperament Sleep _Sleep Overcoming Isolation Help at Home

The Child

Parents interviewed often discussed the dependence that a baby has and how this in itself can be difficult for many parents and consequently influence upon their responsive, sensitive and reflective caregiving abilities.

“And that is hard because I, you know I love him. Absolutely adore him, 24/7 you know with anyone is full on, you know, and babies are so dependent on you that it can feel like a drain, even when they’re not being demanding, just that you don’t have that freedom, it’s a very hard concept to come to terms with …” Participant 001

There were particular times when some parents found it harder to demonstrate their usual responsive, sensitive and reflective caregiving skills. Factors such as childhood illness or their child not sleeping, added further stress for most parents. Conversely some parents also commented on how they perceived their child’s temperament as ‘easy’ and they were lucky with how ‘easy’ it had been to be a parent with this particular child.

Illness

Many parents discussed how sickness or illness in their child affected the ability of parents to feel that they were able to ‘know their baby’ and consequently be

responsive to their needs. Parents felt that when a child was ill this pertained to a bad day and caused them distress as they felt they were unable to help their baby and not know what their child was feeling. It was a time at which they required additional support and would use family, other parents and the internet as places of support. One Father describes his feelings when his child is ill;

“Bad day the basic mainly when they get ill! That’s the most difficult and most of the time it is really unbearable and the problem is obviously they can’t tell the way they feel, is, we just guess and we try to help them but sometimes even though we want to help them it doesn’t help them actually. So that’s the worst part of it.” Participant 012

The distress of having an ill child was similarly felt amongst both parents who had someone at home to help with parenting, such as a husband or partner, as well as

those single parents interviewed. Although for some single parents they did report childhood illness as impacting more severely on their parenting simply because they didn’t have the additional support of a partner or husband at home;

“I think bad days the worse it is either when you’re going through something really stressful or when you’re ill. Being ill with a baby who is also ill is like hell on earth.” Participant 001 (single mother)

Many parents discussed emulating the feelings their child had when they were ill, demonstrating how an ill child could impact upon their sensitive and responsive caregiving;

Ppt: “Bad day is when he hasn’t slept much or teething, just for him when he is a little bit unsettled.”

Int: “How does that make you feel?”

Ppt: “Makes me feel unsettled.” Participant 009

The way many parents described feeling when their child was ill included feelings of helplessness, even if the child was not severely ill and for example only suffering from a mild cold. This was a key reason parents would seek additional support;

“Bad day is when she’s not well, full of cold and all you want to do is make it better but you have to let it run its course don’t you!” Participant 007

And similar feelings were felt by parents whose children had more severe illnesses such as one mother who describes coping with a child in a Pavlik harnesses for hip dysplasia, whilst the child also suffered from colic;

“…she was suffering from colic, which is the devil, it is evil. And because she couldn’t kick her legs, because she had her legs locked up and sprayed out she couldn’t kick her wind out. During the day she would be quite uncomfortable and she would get to about ((to husband was it 6 O’clock or half 5? … the colic? .. hmmm)) and it would just be horrendous she would just be screaming and crying and nothing you could do to console her and because she was having problems with the colic effecting her system internally we would end up in Alder Hey.” Participant 004

The Perceived Temperament of the Child

The child’s temperament (as perceived by the parent) was described as being very influential in how much parents felt they were able to understand and be responsive to their child. Some parents described their baby as an ‘easy baby’ and explained that they were lucky and because of this they did not require a great deal of support with their parenting;

“Well I think we have fairly good days almost all the time, because he's I say he is very easy. “ Participant 015

This was the same for participants who had only one child and therefore didn’t have experience of previous children;

“I'm lucky because he is very independent, very happy to do his own thing, very affectionate, he's not a hard baby.” Participant 001

Few parents described difficulties in understanding their child and attributed this to the temperament of the child; they were an easy baby and so it had been easy to understand their wants and needs. Those who did struggle to understand their babies however, tended to have younger children only a few months old and they too associated the level of understanding they had of the child with the child’s temperament;

“It came quite naturally [their understanding of the child] but he’s quite a high need baby…sometimes it could be difficult because it could never be the one same thing always bothering him.” Participant 002

Sleep

Sleep was raised as a crucial factor for many parents and influenced their need for support to be responsive, sensitive and reflective and also influenced their

understanding of their child. Some parents described how they were tired from lack of sleep but still were managing to maintain their ability to provide their child with responsive and sensitive care;

“Yea I mean sleep is just huge ...I'm pretty resilient to lack of sleep now.” Participant 014

Those who had a partner valued the support they provided in allowing them to catch up on sleep and have someone to share the night-time routine with;

“…some nights especially towards the end of the week I get really, really tired and just sort of need a nap when he gets home from work, so he is really great with just taking the kids and letting me go nap and yes looking out for me.” Participant 021

Many parents were concerned about their baby’s sleep routine and lack of sleep. This was a major factor in why parents were seeking advice and support as they were worried that there was something wrong with their parenting abilities that was

causing their child not to sleep;

“He's not the best of sleepers, so I've always thought is it something I am doing wrong.” Participant 009

Overcoming Isolation

Many mothers described how community structures, friends, family and institutions enabled them to be much more responsive, sensitive and reflective when caring for their children by simply giving them the opportunity to leave the house and escape the isolation felt if they were to stay at home. For some this was described as achieving part of what felt like a ‘normal’ routine, getting out of the house like they had done before their child was born.

“…when we feel on top of things, we are both up, washed, dressed and both make it out of the house. Usually I like a little trip and that's a good day!!” Participant 003

For others they would describe it as getting out of the boring routine of housework and daily chores. For most parents leaving the house lead to a sense of achievement and wellbeing especially when they had the chance to meet people at places such as the children’s centres;

“Like the centre, it caters for mostly everything, just to know that it's here, even if you want to get out of that roll of routine as it can sometimes feel like it's just dragging you down. To even just come here and have a coffee with someone and have a gab and sit here. And then go home and it's like ahh back to the real world, back to scrubbing!” Participant 010

Or even just being able to get outside to the park allowed them to feel ‘normal’; “…we can go off and do something nice now and go to town or the park or something so achieving something normal in inverted commas is good if that makes sense.” Participant 017

This opinion was shared by both parents who had a partner at home and single parents and did not appear to differ amongst parents according to the number of children they had. One single mother describes a good day with her child in this quote;

“When I’ve got stuff done and go out when we go out take her out and stuff like that.” Participant 008

The children’s centre was seen as a good place to go by many parents when they wanted to overcome those feelings of isolation;

“I think it is helping even for us the mums because sometimes you can be stressed and you say let me just go and pass time in the children’s centre and see pictures and all that from other parents because sometimes when you are stressed you find someone you can talk to you feel like better” FGD 05

Support in the Home

Both single parents and those parents who had a partner or spouse at home were interviewed. Both groups of parents noted the importance of having someone else at home involved in the baby’s care. Single parents discussed how they would like more support like that provided by a partner in the home. From their responses it was clear that a partner at home would allow them to become more responsive, sensitive and reflective parents as it could give them the opportunity to catch up on sleep or give them time to themselves and improve their overall mental wellbeing;

“I think if you are a single parent, even if you got help, it's not the same as having someone there all the time to come and just pass the baby to. You don't realise, I'll hold the baby for 5 mins while I just hoover up or something like that, you know it all adds up through the course of the day.” Participant 001 (single mother)

Further to this a parent also commented how much she valued the support of her husband and therefore had admiration for those who were single parents;

“The biggest support by far is my husband, by far. He's through everything, I don't know how people cope. Honestly having had a child and now a second I just have so much respect for single parents. Honestly I don’t know how you do it without having someone to yell at a three in the morning …” Participant 014

5.6.3. How Parents are Being Supported in Relation to Responsive, Sensitive