“Chris Mason, you fucking great tart,” shouted Norman as he started walking towards his best mate. The men warmly shook hands and embraced before returning to the pub. Norman introduced Chris to Lenny before going back inside. Chris looked around in wide eyed amazement. Norman ordered their drinks; they toasted “The not so New Year.”
Mr. Patel passed by, “Norman,” he whispered, “we must go now. Saturday night, is poker night, not dancing you understand. ” He laughed and patted Norman on the shoulder. “You are so busy in here again,
incredible really. I will look in on you again tomorrow my boy, take care.” Norman and Chris continued their reunion they were back together again and it felt good.
“But where’s your gear man,” asked Norman.
“Ah, well, I called for you, where your E-mail said.” “What, the house?”
“Yeah, Ernest and Katie took me in and gave me your room.” “Why?”
“I just told them I was your best school mate, back from the Navy, they presumed the Royal. So they start treating me like a fucking war hero man. I couldn’t get a fucking word in edgeways. It’s like weird. They wanted to take me round to their local to introduce me to all their friends, me the war hero! I‘ve even been invited to their Birthday bash at the Prince of Wales tomorrow, did you know their birthdays are on the same fucking day man. Weird or what! They’re the same age and all. They look like brother and sister to me, twins are they? Oh yeah they said to bring you along. Help me man, get me out of there. Beam me up Norman.”
“I hear you Chris, you can come back with Betsy and me tonight.” “You and Betsy! What sort of perverted world are you living in here Norman.”
“It’s just London Chris, you’ll soon get used to it.”
“Thank you, oh thank you Master, I am not worthy.” Norman ruffled up Chris’ hair.
“Look let’s go and grab Mr. Patel’s table, I’ll get Betsy over to meet you.” Norman got Chris settled then went off in search of her. Doc somewhat
curious by now went over and introduced himself to Chris. Norman and Betsy soon joined them. The four chatted away at 100 miles an hour, they laughed together when Norman explained how Ernest and Katie thought Chris was a war hero. Betsy said she was O.K. about him staying in the apartment. Norman managed to convince Doc that with Chris the war hero coming home, it would be very rude not to look after him.
“Did he meet Colin the Destroyer?” enquired Doc before he excused Norman a full routine in return for some comparing. Doc and Betsy went back to work. Norman and Chris were well into catch-up when Betsy returned to their table, she whispered, “Norm, give Doc a great big intro now, please.”
Norman got up ready for business. Once on the stage the audience slowly took notice and a silence fell. He spoke, “I came up here for something you know, what the fuck was it, I hate it when that happens don’t you? Oh yeah, to introduce the next act of course. But while I’m here, just a thought. I’d like to confide in you if I may, it’s older women, well old women really. I’ve just started to notice them. Well I reckon they’d be grateful for it, at least. You can easily imagine that with my great Gatsby looks and outstanding physique young ladies throw themselves at me. It is an
occupational hazard, we call them loonies, girls that hang around the stage door of Comedy Venues. Women of easy virtue, it’s so shallow, I always feel ashamed afterwards. Go on fucking laugh, pervert. Anyway as I was saying, Women, I’ve tried the younger post Thatcher types, modern girl, nine to five. I feel a song coming on. But they read all those fucking magazines and I mean fucking magazines. 100 pleasures to demand from your man, I hope one of them involves shagging at least, perhaps not. It’s natural for Christ sake. When ever, did any guy spend all night plying some female with free booze, to take her home and suck her toes I ask you! No way, so let’s think ancient, it’s not all lying in ruins you know. Joan Collins Could you? Would you? You would mate you’re older than her anyway. Seriously, so I tried this old one out, it was great she was a Nurse, I don’t think she’s in tonight, nope, good”
The hospital crowd responded with loud applause and whistles, Norman continued, “Not a great looker, but built like a hospital tea trolley and yes, she was desperate and grateful. You can get these magazines you know, oldies at it, these are no calendar girls believe me, there’s one called Gums. Doc loaned it to me. That reminds me, sorry to waffle on, please oh loyal and unruly crowd, give a Two Buttocks welcome to the one and only Spin Doctor.”
Doc made his entrance. He was wearing a sandwich board on which was written, The End Is Nigh. He was dressed in an old black suit and Vicars Collar. After he removed the board he started to spout a sermon of his
religious humour. Norman had returned to sit with Chris, they half listened to Doc as he ranted and raved. But their conversation took priority.
“You were good Norman I’d like to see you do longer.” “You will.”
“Zen Warwickshire, why?”
“Seemed like a good idea at the time.” “So when do you make it big Zen.” “Should be this year, if at all.” “You need a road manager?” “Need a road first.”
“Sure, want another drink?” “Does the Pope have a balcony?”
“Not for much longer, but I’ll get you a beer anyway.” Chris set off to the bar; Norman turned his attention to Doc on stage who was struggling a bit. Norman had an idea so he stood up and shouted it out. “Can you heal me please?”
Doc replied, “No but I know a man who can, Oh Beckham. What is it that ails you my son?”
“I can’t get an erection.”
“I want everyone to hold hands and concentrate on this poor mans penis.” One drunken section of the crowd responded as Doc continued. “Think hard all of you, young man can you feel it, can you feel the power of thought on your penis, Oh Beckham.”
“Oh yes,” screamed Norman. “Then let it rise,” shouted Doc.
“It is, hallelujah, it’s a miracle, I’ve got a hard on, oh thank you Beckham, thank you.”
Screamed Norman as he grabbed his crotch.
“Now you all have seen the power of The Two Buttocks, those gathered here when the end comes will be saved.” said Doc as he put his sandwich board back on and walked off the stage.
The lights dimmed as the crowd burst into great laughter and applause. Chris arrived back with the drinks, he had been watching from the bar. “You
guys are fucking crazy,” he said as he slumped into his chair shaking his head in disbelief. “So what’s next, I’m ready for almost anything.” Chris didn’t have to wait long for an answer.
Betsy walked straight out onto the stage to follow on from Doc. “Don’t get too friggin excited you lot,” she shouted. “I’m not here to introduce the next act; I’m it. No expense spared here tonight. Sharon and Tracy have asked me to remind you their new Poncey Sisters C D is on sale behind the bar. It’s a double A side, I shagged the sheriff and Gary, plus sisters are doing it to themselves.
I see a few of you made the sales last month, only just though. Is that a stain or a motif on that Fruit Of The Womb top love, you shouldn’t have bought that, no matter how cheap it was; oh I see it says Nil By Mouth. You’re out of luck tonight then mate. You can pop round and see me in the morning, I like bite size for breakfast.
I went to the January sales; as you do, for the first time I should mention. Well I had to; fucking Minimum Wage. Any way I saw a sign, shoes, buy one get one free, yeah really. Brent Cross, it’s like being in the reception area of a large hotel being used for a United Nations Conference; apart from the smell of soiled nappies of course.
O.K. wait for it, now what I really, really, really hate about shopping centres is, got your pens ready? Attractive young female sales assistants for a start; music that attractive young female sales assistants like; shops
decorated in a style that attractive young female sales assistants like;
attractive young female shoppers that attractive young sales assistants hate. Woof-woof got that off me chest.
What do you mean what chest you cheeky tosspot, remember any more than a handful is a waste.
Have you noticed the stores all try to out do each other on the attractive young female shop assistants, they try to seduce the men into enjoying the sexual scenery while their wives take forever buying something they’ll never wear. They take the size into the changing rooms that they wish they were and don’t even bother to try it on; now this is real sad the double bluff. They announce to anyone that is interested, ha, ha, ha, that they can see it fits so well there’s no need to try it on. Then, encouraged by their other half who by now is so fucking horny undressing with his eyes, yes you got it, attractive young female shop assistants and he’s now desperate to get the wife back home. Soooooooooooo, he can give her a good shagging with the light off and pretend, yes you got it she’s an attractive young female shop assistant. Sex makes the World go round. But hey, O.K. her new friggin dress doesn’t fit, but look on the positive, at least she gets shagged twice in January this Year and somebody in the third world gets a new dress.
You lot are putty in my hands, stop laughing, save some for the other acts please. Getting back to the shopping, as a virgin, one thing that gets my old goat going, mums and their fucking prams. Why take the kids, these were the girls at school that liked the obstacle race, weird or what. They couldn’t run fast enough not to get pregnant, now they want to show off that their tubes work. Like it’s a big deal, like anybody friggin cares. Do you know Chinese tennis players give birth between sets! Yeah really. What I can’t resist is to get chatting to the mum that looks just a little too smug, drool over her child with her and then announce I can’t have children myself. Then watch the look of guilt come up on her face before I say ‘Only Joking. ’ I do like children though, but I couldn’t eat a whole one, not on my own anyway.
Single mums, what exactly are single mums? All mums look single to me unless they’re joined at the hip to their other half and that would have been a logistical nightmare. Do you know that most single mums live with a bloke and they still call themselves single mums, it’s like some terminal disease, you get told you got it till you die, it’s the same with single mums, the Doctor tells them they are a single mum and they think they got it till they die.
Now we got men on their own, pushing friggin prams round. What’s that all about? Someone please tell me. You can’t trust the bastards I know that, they’re all on the pull. ‘You can trust me, I’m a single Father. ’ Yeah like fuck mate, where is the wife today? However of course he might just be single, perhaps his wife died, I think I’d think feel safer if she was still alive. Well you can’t be to careful girls, you can read some terrible things these days; I make a point of it. Mind you I can’t get hold of a copy of that sex offenders list anywhere, even at the local library.
Date rape, I’ve done that a few times, I’ve had too. I tell ‘em ‘You give me a good shagging mate or I’ll set off my personal attack alarm.’ Well a girl’s got her reputation to think about. The word gets out you’re not a goer and bang goes all your free nights out and it’s not cheap going out these days you know. Unless you come down here I suppose, so I guess most of you girls have failed to comply with the old C.O.D. Well I could talk the knob off a donkey, but I won’t, anyway enough of this girls chit chat I’m off to chain myself to some railings, it’s not that I’m a feminist it’s just the way I like my sex. See you soon, Beckham bless you.”
Betsy got a deafening applause as she rushed off backstage. Norman and Chris cheered as they toasted her good health. The D.J. unscripted played some old rock’n-roll and a few in the crowd started to dance; Doc joined Norman and Chris at their table.
It was just over half an hour before Betsy joined the three having. She had needed to phone her parents. “I’d like to do the final intro” she shouted.
Doc just shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t care.”
Betsy returned to the stage, “It is time now for some male perspective on the World, shouldn’t be hard as they rule the fucking place, a huge Two Buttocks welcome if you please girls and boys for tonight’s international star Mr. Harry Shagman.”
The men in the audience cheered as the ladies booed. Harry waved his large Stetson hat in the air in appreciation of his reception. After a couple of minutes he managed to quieten the crowd down.
“Ladies, ladies don’t show yourselves up please, a drunken woman is not a pretty site. At least in Texas, the ladies know their place. Here in London, well I find things a little liberal for my liking. In fact guys, I kindah think you have given the ladies a bit too much slack on the old reins there. Need to pull em in a bit, show em the whip and when they start to behave a lump of sugar, so to speak.
Take Mrs. Shagman for example, a simple woman, goes without saying of course. A good wife and mother to our seven children, however there have been times, when I have had to remind her of those marital duties in the bedroom. Yes, I have found dust on the window ledge. Sue Ellen, I said if I wanted to live in a pigsty I’d have married one of those liberal English women. Mrs.Shagman comes from prime Texas female stock you see. In the old days I’d only have to look at her in a certain way and she’d calf. But it took its toll; she’s a big old gal now, a real handful, quite a challenge really. Some nights I stand out on the porch with my brandy and cigar, aware that Mrs.Shagman is in the bedroom awaiting her last duty of the day and I think to myself, oh Lord give me the strength to get through this, to climb the mountain called love. Well I go upstairs and you know I hear her snoring, the good Lord has answered my prayers, he moves in mysterious ways friends. I feel a song coming on.
I reckon making love is for youngsters, sex is for the elderly. But you know women don’t seem to be aware of this. I have a sexual arrangement with a young lady at the office. It still works fine, if you know what I mean, but Mrs.Shagman, now she’s a bit, well old-fashioned. A great believer in the missionary position. When you get to my age the masonry position is a much more exciting pro-position. Yep, two minutes up against a wall in the poor part of town sure beats the hell out of a marathon in pink silk sheets at South Fuck.
But ladies, I wouldn’t want you’ll to get the wrong idea here, not that you should be listening into men’s’ business anyway; I am considered liberal myself in Texas by many of the old boys, oh yes sir, you bet, sure thing, in- deedy. Take the other day for example I allowed Mrs.Shagman to be the first lady within her social group to purchase a vibrating penis, on the
condition of course that it be a white one. Therefore now when I am away on a business trip she can, whilst thinking about me of course, take care of ladies business. Therefore avoiding the desperate measures taken by some of her group, resulting in some cases in divorce, sexually transmitted diseases and even multiple orgasms a most un-natural act if you ask me. So you see my friends, what might seem a liberal gesture on my behalf could indeed save my family. Well, no good getting older unless you get wiser. ” Betsy, Doc, Norman and Chris studied the big American, “This guys good,” commented Chris to the others.
“Oh yeah, he’s found an easy niche to crawl about in,” shouted Betsy as Harry got a loud audience response with his, “If you aint for me, you’re again me,” routine. “I think some of your Women folk need a good horse whipping fellas, tonight.”
“Should be on the Royal Variety Show, old Harry boy,” joked Doc.
“So should my friggin Father, they got a lot in common,” responded Betsy in an acid tone.
“Comedy is a very nasty business, these days,” added Norman. “If you can’t take it you shouldn’t give it out, Zen says.”
“Another drink! One for the gutter anybody?” asked Chris as he fumbled with a huge clip of bank notes.
“Yes please sailor,” answered up Betsy. The others nodded their
acceptances as they watched Harry dig himself an even deeper hole with the ladies in the crowd and Betsy.
Norman called over a waiter to take their order, “Well why not,” he told Chris. “ I am the boss.” Doc noted Harry was going well over his usual length of stand-up.
“He’s enjoying winding the crowd up to night, he’ll have to start writing new stuff soon,” said Betsy in a mocking tone. Harry informed the men in the crowd, ‘That he had never yet needed to take his boots off whilst making love to a real Lady. He reckoned that the sound of the spurs rattling got them pretty dam excited. Then confessed though that sometimes he does take his