HOW ARE CHILDREN BEING TOLD? 134

5.3.2.1  HOW  ARE  CONVERSATIONS  INITIATED?  

Three  themes  identified  how  parent-­‐child  discussions  relating  to  donor   conception  are  instigated  in  disclosing  families:    

1. BY  USING  BOOKS  

2. BY  MAKING  LINKS  BETWEEN  SIMILAR  FAMILIES     3. BY  CHILDREN  ASKING  QUESTIONS    

I. Donors  

II. Biology  

THEME  1:  BY  USING  BOOKS    

Most  disclosers  used  books  as  a  tool  to  broach  conversations,  and  particularly   liked  this  method  because  it  can  form  a  part  of  everyday  routines,  without  

specifically  sitting  down  to  discuss  donor-­‐conception.  This  was  important  for   parents,  and  corresponds  with  the  desire  to  have  ‘natural’  conversations:  

I  will  occasionally  bring  it  up,  if  it,  if  it  seems  to  fit  in  with  something  we’re   talking  about,  but  I  don’t  tend,  I  wouldn’t  generally  instigate  it,  out  of  the   blue.  D/SMC/twin  sons-­‐3  (AB/DD/A)  

THEME  2:  BY  MAKING  LINKS  BETWEEN  SIMILAR  FAMILIES    

Contact  with  other  donor-­‐conceived  families  facilitated  discussions  by  enabling   parents  to  point  out  the  similarities  between  other  families,  and  their  own.  This   strategy  was  particularly  common  for  SMCs  who  wanted  their  children  to  be   clear  that  they  do  not  have  a  dad:  

If  it  does  come  up  I'll  say  things  like,  you  know  so  and  so,  and  so  and  so…   they  don't  have  a  daddy  in  their  family.    D/SMC/son-­‐5  (AB/DD/A)    

I’ll  often  say  to  him...  we’re  going  to  see,  er,  X,  Y,  and  Z,  do  you  remember   they’ve  also  got  families  where  they  just  live  with  their-­‐they  live  with  their   mummy.  D/SMC/son-­‐7  (UK/DD/I)  

THEME  3:  BY  CHILDREN  ASKING  QUESTIONS    

Discussions  were  also  stimulated  by  children’s  questions,  which  tended  to  occur   from  around  five  years  old.  Two  sub-­‐themes  identified  the  nature  of  questions:    

Donors  

First,  almost  all  questions  were  based  on  clarifying  information  about  donors,   specifically  who  they  are  and  their  relevance:      

 ‘So  do  they  know  who  I  am?  Do  they  have  my  address?’  ...  I  said,  ‘no  darling,   they  don’t  have  your  address  either.’  So  he  said,  ‘Good,  ‘cause  I  want  to  live   with  you.’    D/SMC/son-­‐7  (UK/DD/I)  

‘Are  they  in  our  family’  and  I  said  ‘No,  they’re  not  in  your  family,  your   family  is  <sibling>,  and  <sibling>  and  me  and  you.  But  it’s  not  all  those  

other  people  they  just  happen  to  share  some  of  the  ingredients  that  went   into  making  you.  D/SMC/daughters-­‐3  and  5  (AB/DD/IA)  

The  presence  of  questions  appearing  from  around  the  age  of  five-­‐years-­‐old  is  in   line  with  adoptive  children  who  begin  to  question  the  relevance  of  their  

connection  between  two  different  families  around  age  six  (Brodzinksy,  2011)   and  naturally  conceived  children  who  begin  to  understand  biological  

inheritance  aged  seven  upwards  (Gregg  et  al.,  1996;  Williams  &  Smith,  2010).  

Biology    

Second,  questions  centred  on  biological  aspects  of  donor  conception,  specifically   human  anatomy.    

‘So  I  grew  inside  you  mom’.  And  I  said  ‘yes  you  did’.  And  that  was  very   important  to  her.    D/MC/daughter-­‐7  (UK/ED/A)  

They  would  ask  ‘what  are  sperms?  And  what  are  eggs’?  And  we  would  have   to  explain  a  little  bit  human  anatomy  ...  there’s  no  embarrassment  telling  a   child,  children,  simple  things  so  it  helps.  D/FC/daughter-­‐7  (UK/ED/I)  

Parents  thought  that  it  was  important  to  answer  questions  truthfully  to  help   their  children  to  develop  a  fuller  picture  of  their  conception.  The  presence  of   conversations  relating  to  biology  have  also  been  found  in  studies  looking  at   donor  sperm  or  egg  (Blake  et  al.,  2010;  Mac  Dougall  et  al.,  2007).  

5.3.2.2     FREQUENCY  OF  CONVERSATIONS    

Disclosing  parents  did  not  view  disclosure  as  a  one-­‐off  event  and  placed  value   on  revisiting  conversations  with  their  children  to  aid  understanding.  Two   themes  identified  how  conversations  are  regulated:  

1) DON’T  WANT  IT  TO  DEFINE  CHILDREN   2) KEEPING  IT  ON  THE  RADAR  

I. So  that  children  do  not  forget  

II. Because  children  do  not  understand    

Disclosers  described  the  complexity  of  carefully  managing  the  frequency  of   conversations  to  get  the  correct  balance.  

THEME  1:  DON’T  WANT  IT  TO  DEFINE  CHILDREN    

First,  parents  did  not  want  to  talk  about  donor  conception  too  often  because   they  do  not  want  it  to  be  the  most  prominent  characteristic:  

I  would  say  probably  haven’t  said  anything  about  it  for  several  months..  I   don’t  want  to  flog  it  to  death  you  know  I  don’t  wanna  sort  of  be  constantly   talking  about  it  because  ..it’s  part  of  how  they  came  into  this  world  but  it’s   not  the  thing  that  defines  them.                          D/MC/daughters-­‐6  and  4  

(AB/DD/A)    

THEME  2:  KEEPING  IT  ON  THE  RADAR  

Second,  parents  were  equally  concerned  about  initiating  discussions  often   enough  to  keep  it  on  the  ‘radar’;  this  serves  two  purposes:  

So  that  children  do  not  forget  

Regular  conversations  served  to  trigger  memory  to  ensure  that  children  do  not   forget  that  they  are  donor-­‐conceived:    

I  think  it’s  important  just  to  keep  that  open  and  not  to  forget  to  keep  doing   it  because  they  don’t  understand….Otherwise  it  kind  of  might  be  forgotten                   D/MC/son-­‐4  and  daughter-­‐2  (AB/DD/A)    

Because  children  do  not  understand  

Parents  were  aware  that  their  children  did  not  understand  all  details  relevant  to   their  conception;  so  on-­‐going  conservations  provide  opportunities  to  add  more   detail  to  help  their  children’s  comprehension  flourish:  

We  started  at  an  early  time  so  it  would  never  be  a  shock  to  them  BUT  it’s   we  have  to  sort  of  remind  us  to  keep  doing  that  because  it’s  obvious  they   don’t  really  understand.  D/MC/son-­‐4  and  daughter-­‐2  (AB/DD/A)    

As  <child>  gets  more  understanding  of  reproduction  ...  It  will  make  it   easier.    I’m  just  drip-­‐feeding  a  wee  bit  you  know,  when  the  big  conversation   does  come  through  that  he  understands  it  more.  D/FC/son-­‐8  (UK/ED/A)    

Section  summary  and  comparison  with  adopters    

Parents  were  aware  that  their  children  did  not  understand  the  finer  details  of   their  conception,  but  planned  to  aid  their  understanding  by  speaking  truthfully   and   drip-­‐feeding   information;   a   view   also   shared   by   adopters.   Adopters   and   disclosing   ED/DD   parents   thought   that   it   was   important   to   have   ‘natural’   conversations;  however,  adopters  placed  more  emphasis  on  this  and  generally   assumed  that  their  children  were  reluctant  to  discuss  their  adoption.  Adopters   used   an   abundance   of   resources   to   discuss   key   events   and   conceptions   surrounding   adoption,   whereas   ED/DD   parents   utilised   fewer   resources   because   children’s   TV   programmes   and   films   do   not   contain   child-­‐friendly   analogies   relating   to   donor-­‐conception.   Instead,   ED/DD   parents   tended   to   engage  in  discussions  as  a  result  of  their  children’s  questions,  or  by  pointing  out   the  similarities  between  other  donor-­‐conceived  families.  

Both   adopters   and   disclosing   ED/DD   parents   accentuated   the   importance   of   keeping   the   conversation   ‘alive’   because   they   were   mindful   that   their   young   children   could   forget,   and   did   not   yet   understand   all   details.   They   were,   however,  wary  about  raising  the  subject  of  adoption/conception  too  frequently.   For   ED/DD   parents,   this   was   because   they   did   not   want   their   children’s   conception   to   be   a   ‘big   deal’,   or   define   their   children.   Adopters   were   more   concerned  about  ‘forcing’  a  conversation  that  they  thought  their  children  were   reluctant   to   have,   or   anxious   that   raising   conversations   could   lead   to   their   children  feeling  rejected.