Clarifying
Clarifying means repeating people’s words back in a different form. We do this all the time in normal conversation, to confirm that we have heard correctly and understood. Many an argument has arisen because two people firmly believe that they are right about two conflicting versions of what was said. In a domestic situation this can be explosive; imagine the consequences when it happens between two world leaders who do not even speak the same language.
In addition to checking the meaning, the benefits of clarifying are:
■ To create rapport with other people. Clarifying shows we are making every effort to listen to what they are saying.
■ To help us understand what we ourselves have said. Speaking our thoughts aloud can help us organize them and clarifying supports this process.
■ To move people forward politely when they get into too much detail. For example, a long ramble about traffic on the journey to the coaching session can be curtailed by some neat summing up. This enables people to feel that the matter has been dealt with – they have been understood and can now move on.
These benefits hold true whether in a coaching session or everyday conversation:
Coachee: Sorry I’m late. Everything conspired against me this morning.
The phone rang twice as I was leaving and I knew I shouldn’t have answered it. Both times it was people trying to sell me something. Then the postman came and on the way out my neighbour grabbed me to talk about the bin situation…
Coach: Sounds like you’ve had a stressful morning. Well done for getting here at all.
Coachee: Thanks. What’s on the agenda?
In this case, the clarifying has been combined with some positive feedback to make the coachee feel better about being late, allowing the coachee to stop making excuses and start looking forward.
Reflecting
Reflecting means repeating someone’s words back exactly as they were spoken, including tone and body language, although it must not appear mechanical or the effect will be noticeable and irritating.
When we hear our own words reflected back, it has the effect of validating what we have said, reassuring us that we have been heard and that the listener is interested in what we are saying. It can also help us to hear and reassess what we have said. Reflecting is a great rapport builder, and as useful as clarifying when you want to move someone forward:
Coachee: I like the company I work for but the work’s tedious. I’d like something more challenging.
Coach: More challenging.
Coachee: Yes, something where I feel I’m stretching myself, with a bit of risk.
When in doubt about what question to ask next, a good tactic is to reflect coachees’ words back to them. This often has a more powerful effect than any question could.
刂 When in doubt, reflect back the coachee’s words.
Intuition
Intuition is the sharpest tool in the coach’s box. However, it is essential to follow the maxim of being on the coachee’s agenda and non-judgemental to make sure that your intuition does not turn into unwelcome advice.
If a coachee’s words flag up an idea in your mind, one of two things is happening: either your own cultural background is getting in the way or you have sensed something that the coachee is not telling you and may not even be aware of. The simple answer is to ask the coachee. If your intuition leads to a new insight, then you can pat yourself on the back. If the coachee does not seem to relate to your hunch, then you must let it go without a backward glance.
The coach should not be afraid to challenge the coachee in order to uncover new insight:
Coachee: Money’s tight, but I don’t want to raise my fees. I like helping people.
Coach: Can I share with you what’s coming into my mind?
Coachee: Yes please.
Coach: Are you able to give yourself permission to want to make money?
I actually held this conversation a number of years ago, and when I asked the last question, the coachee began to cry with relief as he agreed that what he wanted more than anything was to make money, but he had never allowed himself to admit that before. There was some uncomfortable feeling attached to commercial thinking which, he then realized, arose from his relationship with his father.
These skills of listening, questioning, clarifying, reflecting and using your intuition are the cornerstones of good coaching.
Linguistics
Coaching is not just about a conversational exchange between people; it involves non-verbal signals, such as
body language (see Chapter 8), plus the tone and pace with which the words are delivered. The coach will usually follow the coachee’s tone and pace, which creates rapport and allows the coachee to feel in control of the exchange; this is important if the coachee is going to be relaxed enough to look inside and discover new insights. Sometimes a coach may quicken the exchange, or inject more energy, to move the coachee forward, or to invoke a situation where the coachee will deliver spontaneous reactions which might be hampered by having too much time to think. These changes usually take place intuitively and neither coach nor coachee will be aware that they are happening, although an observer might notice the difference easily.
Coaches also have a natural tendency to start sentences with ‘and’ or ‘so’ at times; this tendency has been
identi-fied by David Grove in his ‘clean language’ methodology (see Chapter 8) and incorporated as a specific technique, because it is so effective at creating rapport and producing a good flow of thought from the coachee.
Another aspect of communication that coaches need to be aware of is the benefit of being concise and
precise in what they say; this is good advice at all times, not just in coaching sessions. The fewer words you use in order to get your point across, the more people will listen and understand what you have said. The requirement to be concise makes us stop and think before we speak, which is never a bad thing. I often ask coaching students, or coachees, if they can put something they have said more succinctly. The result will not just be shorter, their thoughts will have been processed along the way. This is an excellent way of acquiring new insights.
Tone and pace
Clean language
Precise and concise
PERMISSION
Asking permission is something we tend to do only when it is obviously required: for instance when we knock before entering someone else’s house. In coaching, we find that asking permission, whether or not it is obviously required, helps people to feel safer and in control of the process. In short, it creates rapport.
Another advantage of asking permission is that it makes people stop and listen to what we have to say, particularly in meetings. Offering the simple ques-tion, ‘Can I add something to that?’ can reduce a meeting room to expectant silence, as everyone pauses to hear what you have to say.
■ Can I add to what you’ve just said?
■ Would you like to brainstorm this with me?
■ Is it OK if I coach you on this for a while?
It may seem unnecessary to ask the last question of someone already in a coach-ing session with you, because it follows that he or she must have already granted permission for you to coach him or her. Nevertheless, this is a great way of relaxing people and opening them up so that they are in a good space to get the best possible benefit out of the coaching.
In Chapter 1, we looked at an example of different customs in different countries, such as nodding meaning ‘no’. We saw that although differences between international cultures may be easy to spot, it is more difficult to recognize differences in people’s own personal cultures, which may have been created by their parents, teachers and life experiences. Asking permission frequently is a way of respecting any boundaries of which we may not be aware. It is particularly important if the coachee is venturing into an area that could be sensitive.