Coding Matrix – Emotional Turmoil

Master Themes P1 Tom P2 Tim P3 Callum P4 Claire P5 Kyle the reason that she was ill was the fact that an it’s a funny thing like (pauses).

You can’t really describe your reaction its like (pauses) it was just shock like. And you never really think that something like that is will to happen so close to home it’s like, you know what I mean like (pauses). And then (pauses) yeah it ah, it’s just, to be honest I probably went through a bit of almost disbelief as well like.”

“I think its like, it’s em, it’s like something you just never think it going to happen in you like, it’ll happen to someone else would suggest it I was wary of pushing it too much in like made it very clear that that’s what I think you the phone call she’s like I think she said I think Emma’s dead, I think she’s died, she’s took her own life…[ ]…And I dinnae think I ever heard my mum cry before so you knew it was really bad. And and panic because I knew my sister was in trouble I didn’t know what had happened

147 lot of it was anger diverted in a way because I couldn’t speak to anyone about it a while, a really, really bad temper and that was not healthy for anyone that yeah. I used to be the quite fat kid in the corner that naebody really noticed into shock. I just didn’t know.

And anger as well. I was angry, really, really angry like. ever happen so

Stress/Worry/Panic

“Em (pauses) a lot of it as well, the not knowing thing, just not knowing what to do, where to go, if she was going to do it again. Em it’s just really fear of the unknown like because you just didn’t know what to think, what to do really like other than take her to the doctor to talk to. But like other than that, as I said I don’t know anything about depression, I’m not a doctor, I don’t know. So its fear of the unknown more than anything else it was just really terrifying. It was really scary like because obviously I love my sister and you wouldn’t want her to do something stupid you know.”

“Well yeah maybe a little bit because I wasn’t sleeping at all. And I know it definitely did my mam’s as well because stress affects her in a way where she just doesn’t sleep at

comfortable with that or no, I don’t think I can afford it or whatever excuse there was. So I just immediately dropped it.

And now I’m like, I should have been more, I should have spoken up more or whatever. So it was more at my own reluctance but I didn’t want to push too already an issue. So it was very kind of, well we’re

“I think you’re just kind of like, it’s hard to fathom why like.”

Relief

“But yeah, when I seen her it was just kind of relief that she was okay em and that what’s lead to this, why has she done this.”

148 that I had figured out that it was two entirely

all. I don’t think she was eating really properly and eh eh. But me? I wasn’t, at least for a few weeks anyway I wasn’t

sleeping well at all, I was getting very little sleep at all and I suppose it did affect me physically yeah.”

“. And yeah when she wasn’t very close to me I worried like fucking mad like you know. Em I was like, even two or three months later after when she was kind of getting back to normal and she wanted to go out again to parties and stuff.

The thoughts running through my head were you know yourself, girls can be so bitchy what if she gets in a fight with someone or in an argument with one of her friends or something like that and you know goes off the fucking deep end again? So yeah I was still worrying about that like.”

“well I can only speak for myself, I can’t speak for my mam or my brother but yeah I was under a tremendous amount of stress. I was thinking about it all the time because I just didn’t know

Worry

“But then obviously I do have that constant worry which isn’t great to have to deal with all the time.”

“I would be in contact all the time like a mother hen (laughs) just being like is everything okay or how are you doing? We talk a lot anyway so it didn’t seem unusual but if we hadn’t been in contact in too long or if like aside from when he’s be in work then I’d be like is everything okay, what are you up to? How’s it going? Like and trying not to be overbearing but also being like it’s for my peace of mind, I don’t ago she’d said that she didn’t want to be here anymore.” and living the dream if you like. I’m out of the council the absolute time of my life and I’m completely kind if sheltered to maybe what my

149 year and I was looking for someone, for some outlay your fault. That is the one thing that would have while then I would be like what’s happening, I don’t while then I would be like what’s happening, I don’t time he’s not in contact for a little while which isn’t for years. And I’ve been able to help so many people but I didn’t feel like I could help my own sister and that was kind of not idea. [] I just felt own life again on the phone to me on another occasion like later on. And like that’s just heart-breaking do you know what I mean. She was just like I’ve had enough I’m going to kill myself. And you’re like I mean how do you respond to that.”

“Yeah everyone was just petrified it was going to happen again. Like I was kind of phoning my mum like you need to watch her, you need to watch her. And she was like I am, I am.”

150 obviously to go and to that

so he does try. But like in that situation so in the back of my head I was like back to me for about three

at this stage. Em, and I

And I was like parked outside her house, honestly like I

151 they hate the way they are

so aye (exhales).”

PTSD

“It left me with (pauses and clears voice) it was only diagnosed with a few of years ago, with post-traumatic stress relating back to that one particular episode as well as just the build up to it. [ ] But the and it’s like ah. It’s because we live in [refers to place name], some of his work could do that is very kind of frightening. And also the what if they hadn’t text me or what if I had gone to

LT panic and concern for her wellbeing and ability to cope years later

LT anxiety – walking on eggshells, fearful of how he responds doesn’t know how she will react, fear of future attempts

LT effect of guilt, wasn’t there when she needed him, will do anything for her now, money, lifts etc

Hopeful yet wary about the future

152 gotten here, what if

something goes wrong or something happens. So really just a delay, a delayed fright really was kind of the big thing. And then it was also a what happens now type thing?

So it was very, just kind of like waiting and just the not knowing what was going to happen. Because for the immediate future they’re going to be in hospital for a while, they’ll be on a drip or whatever em and the psychologist will come around at some point probably. But beyond that I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know if I’d be allowed stay or would I have to leave. Because obviously at 4am it’s not visiting hours so I didn’t know what was going to be allowed.”

Helplessness

Hopelessness (Jon) as trying to take unsuccessful steps to get GP apt

Hopeful for the future,

153 now has GP apt, hopeful

there will be recovery, hopeful won’t need to be carer moving forward Worried about the LT plans for John post-discharge