Commitment to the relationship

Commitment is a barrier to leaving an abusive relationship (Rhatigan & Axsom, 2006). It also limits victims‟ ability to engage with police. Some victims would not call the police while they were still committed to the relationship. Others called to stop violence but did not engage fully in the solutions police offered, such as getting an intervention order. Family values and the desire for an intact family, love for their partner and hope that he will change, and determination to manage on their own prevented victims from engaging with police.

Bianca reflected on the difficulty of staying apart. She knows now that he won‟t change but it is still difficult to maintain her resolve.

Bianca: I had my life planned out with him and he‘s the father of my kids and I didn‘t want a broken family. I always wanted my family to be together. And it‘s not reality but I think of a happy family, not a broken family. He keeps on saying, I‘ve changed but I know he hasn‘t changed. I know that it‘s always going to be like that….. Even though I won‘t get back with him, I always wish, things didn‘t work out like this. I wish we had of been together. I still kind of feel like he‘s my right arm even though, he‘s not involved in my life, it still feels like he‘s my right arm.

As Antoinette described, love and hope for change are intertwined. Leanne‟s love for her husband and hope that he would change was a barrier to disclosure and help- seeking. It was also a factor in the many times she revoked intervention orders.

Antoinette: I loved him and I trusted him and so I was hoping he would change.

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Leanne: No, I was even too scared to tell my mum because I didn‘t want her to hate my husband. I just kept it to myself until I told the lady down the road and that was only about three years ago.

Leanne described her resistance to one particular police officer who urged her to leave him for good.

Leanne: He‘s always told me to get rid of him. I believed him, but I was stupid. I just kept on taking my husband back because I felt sorry for him and I probably still loved him at that time. But in the end, love dies. You just wait till love dies and then you‘ve had enough.

Kim: Okay and you said that you kept coming back because … Leanne: He‘d say he‘d change but he never did.

The limiting effect of relationship commitment was explored further with Antoinette.

Kim: So you never actually went through with calling the police until you were really starting to feel certain that you wanted to end the relationship? Antoinette: Yes.

Kim: So were you just accepting that this was the way my life is or were you thinking that there are other things I can do to change the way he behaves? Antoinette: Yes, I was hoping I could change him because I‘m educated and intelligent and I thought it could not be a problem for me. If I love him I can do anything.

Kim: So it was while you still had hope for the relationship and hope that you could work it out, then calling the police wasn‘t an option for you, is that right?

Antoinette: Yes, I thought if I called the police I would feel bad.

Relationship commitment did not prevent Erin calling police for help but it was a barrier when they tried to convince her to get an intervention order.

Erin: And you know when I would call them, they would ask me the question, what do you want us to do. You know, he would state his case to them. I would state mine. And they‘re like, look we‘ll take him away. We‘ll tell him not to come back but you need to take further steps to keeping him away. Whether that be move or get this order. And for as long as I could, I tried not to get this order.

Before seeking help, victims used strategies in an attempt to prevent or manage the violence in their lives, as Jenny described. Belief in their ability to manage on their own is a barrier to help-seeking.

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Jenny: I thought I was being really clever about it (laughs). Most people have been telling me that I‘ve been stupid to have been going down that path in the first place. If he was coming home late enough on a Friday and

Saturday night, which was the traditional hitting time, I‘d try to be in bed, pretend I was asleep, and he usually wouldn‘t wake me up. It was pretty rare for him to bother waking me up. If he came home a little bit earlier, then I tried to be very pacifying. He would walk in and say, all women are whores. And the first time I made the mistake of saying, don‘t be stupid of course we‘re not, of course that‘s not true. And I got hit for it. So after that I realised, I started agreeing with whatever….. I‘d try asking him, you know, please don‘t hurt me, please don‘t hit me but that never really seemed to have much of an effect. And I don‘t know why I kept saying that but for some reason I just kept saying that as well. It didn‘t really seem to change much.