Conversation Two – First Impressions

Researcher Introduction:

Our conversation circles around first impressions. As we talk about what they think of my first year, flashes of their experiences of starting teaching soon echo.

Marty: What was your first impression? The first thing that came into your

head after you had read the whole journal? Eleanor?

Eleanor: Just how similar it had been for both of us, that we had the same little girlie excited nervousness, but then again how completely different it was because of the total differences in our school structures. It was like we had the same anticipation and the same emotions linked with different experiences but then completely different backgrounds.

Marty: The impression you got from my school was that I had a lot more

freedom?

Eleanor: Yeah, more freedom than I had… still confined but more freedom

within your class to do what you chose to do and more scope to deal with different issues. Because my school is a parent controlled Christian school which means that I can’t deal with any issue, drugs, violence, sex, rape unless it’s giving God’s view on those issues.

William: It took me back, 20 years Marty. Where did it all go? And the similarities and dissimilarities are quite striking, in the sense that you really didn’t feel like a teacher, you were completely at a loss to sort of find your niche, fit into the culture, hear the cynicism, and you coming fresh in thinking that perhaps, well, ‘I’m here’. I was lucky, in one way, I came to Esprit High School, which was the school my mother taught at, so I was known, I had an entry card in, and in many ways I knew quite a few of the staff – you know, had social contacts, so I can’t relate completely to this journal…

Marty: Angela, you commented when you read the journal that you had a

strong first impression…

Angela: I just really related to it and wish I’d done the same thing

[referring to keeping a journal] so that I could look back and relive all those memories or just learn from those mistakes.

Marty: Really?

Angela: Because after not teaching for 3 years and coming back to it I felt

myself back in the position of being a first year teacher. It was just really rewarding to know that someone else felt human and had the highs and lows; it just validated my position for me, what I do… I felt like I was inside you… Experiencing every bit. It felt really weird.

William: I can pick up on the feelings that you had and some of the things

that you had to experience in a private school. So my first

response? Honest, real, frank, genuine! A bit out there at times but at the same time that is what you wanted it to be. You weren’t holding back much.

Marty: Out there? What do you mean?

William: Out there in the sense that, you know, well, some of the

innermost… You weren’t putting yourself completely on the sleeve and I didn’t feel it being too immature, I must say that I didn’t feel it to be immature.

Marty: I think I coped. Did you cope with your year Eleanor? Was it as

overwhelming for you?

Eleanor: Your story and my story have similarities, but they’re completely

different.

Marty: The first thing you pointed out Eleanor was the similarities, you

said ‘the excitedness, the girlie, energy, enthusiasm’. What do you mean by that?

Eleanor: Like ‘when I turned up to school and I had a pigeon hole’ or ‘when I turned up and there was a teachers’ chronicle in my pigeon hole’ or ‘I walked over and I had my office or my chair, my desk, my calendar’. All the little things that you don’t get to have as your own at university when you are going through your pracs and everything. You might have a desk that is borrowed off someone else for a couple of weeks when you are there at school, but

nothing more. ‘My own pigeon hole with my own name on it’ and ‘my own place to hang my mug’ and all that sort of stuff, they were the kind of ‘I am a real teacher’ type things that hit within the first couple of weeks and then not being able to share that with any other teacher cause you feel a little bit shy about it. The nervous excitement about the anticipation about it all!

Marty: What was it like for you Angela, to be in my head?

Angela: Weird because… it felt like me. I felt like I had these kids in my

room, like I know them. Do you say you were an introvert?

Marty: Did I? No, I…

Angela: Somewhere I think you said something about…

Marty: No. I normally classify myself as an extravert.

Angela: Okay, because I thought you’re an introvert whose adapted, who’s

learnt the art of being an extravert, but then again am I projecting me onto you? Because that’s how I classify myself. I think it’s hard; I get confused between what happened to you and what happened to me.

Marty: Were there similarities in our experiences?

Angela: They’re everywhere. The first thing about being nervous, such as

my first day I remember shaking with a Grade 7 class. Things like, taking notes, I notice I take notes madly; all the other staff are either half-glazed or one was asleep. Self criticism. Some of the frustrations and issues of duty! All that self-questioning and, you know, that nasty little voice that tells you, you should have done this, and you should have done that. Colouring your timetable, it’s in my bag, and I can show you.

Marty: I remember!

Angela: I think, every page reminds me of me, it was SCARY! The

naiveté… when you were positive, and your dealing with cynicism.

Angela: Yeah.

Marty: In what way?

Angela: You know, that sort of idealist… ‘This is going to be wonderful,’

and ‘I’m going to educate young minds,’ and ‘you’re going to achieve so much’. You sort of get whammed in the face with the realities and you have to learn, to kind of adapt but definitely not get negative and have expectations about this thing, about feeling fake.

William: Yes, the similarities between me and you were at times – the

insecurities, the sense that you didn’t really want, you know, you felt as though you had to fill up a lesson and you couldn’t… time management, the whole thing, it is all like a prac that you are being paid for.

Marty: And if you mucked up you had to wear the consequences because

you had to!

William: Absolutely!

Marty: And if you didn’t like a kid, too bad, they’ve got you, and if they

didn’t like you, too bad.

William: Yeah, and I’ve had a few experiences that you’ve had.

Marty: Like what?

William: Oh, some teachers perhaps looking at you as some sort of idealist,

You know, a lot of the stuff was, reminding me of how I felt at times but again, differently. You’re Marty. I’m William. So there were obviously things that I felt more comfortable with at the time, when you felt more uncomfortable. I didn’t fall sick until my third year.

4.3

Monday

‘It all starts today’ the front of my teaching diary shouts; the cut-out movie advert,

carefully selected, tool of inspiration.

‘It should all start today.’

But I can’t find my name, pigeon hole, coffee cup, toilet, or

classroom.

‘I am qualified to do this!’ ‘I am not experienced to do this!’

Trapped,

‘in the beginning teachers’ paradox’ (Corcoran, 1981).

Shocked,

‘by reality’ (Department of Education, Science and Technology, 2002) As I am supposed

to be?

It’s all a blur.

I can’t see I can’t imagine. I can only do my best.

‘It should be a blur!’ (Britzman, 1991), and more excuses follow.

(Loughran, Brown & Doecke, 2001, p.8), I feel little and I feel alone

(Boreen & Niday, 2000; Gratch, 2000). Telling me,

‘it will be hard’ (Australian Council of Deans of Education, 1998; Ballantyne, Thompson, & Taylor, 1994)

doesn’t help me at all. Telling me,

‘it will be frightening’ (Bruckerhoff & Carlson, 1995; Gratch, 1998; Marti & Huberman, 1993; Wilson, Ireton & Wood, 1997)

doesn’t help me at all. Telling me,

help me at all.

Telling me,

‘there will be many problems’ (Birell, 1995; Kiggins & Gibson, 2002)

doesn’t help me at all. Unknowing, the hype, the clichés,

is the only way to avoid drowning

under the ‘sea of advice’ (Martinez, 1998). I turn away,

Discontented and disillusioned, whispering, by myself,

‘Is this really the beginning?’ I am angry,

now.

Confused and bewildered,

‘similar, but different’ the echo calls. So, I begin again,

differently, asking ‘Who am I, here?’