Courtship and Marriage - the road to adulthood

Entering adulthood in Gypsy and Traveller society is strongly linked to marriage.

This was also noted by Okely (1983) who said there was no large time span between puberty and marriage. Before marriage, there are strict rules governing the behaviour of both boys and girls, though often stricter with girls. Prior to marriage, young people are not allowed to partake in adult activities such as drinking alcohol, smoking or having sex. Girls may be given strict curfew times to adhere to regardless of age and must ask permission to go anywhere. Boys on the other hand, can seek independence at around 15 or 16 years of age and will travel on their own or in twos and threes around the country visiting family and earning a living. They are not restricted to the home in the way girls are but not quite

considered to be adults.

“Boys and girls can’t drink alcohol until they’re married, boys and girls. But I think boys do it when we don’t see... It’s not allowed, especially for girls. They can’t drink or have sex until they’re

mamed. ”

(Resp.4 female, 42yrs, Irish Traveller)

Young people can decide to marry at any age after sixteen and many opt to marry young, it is not uncommon for people to marry at the age of 16 or 17 and to be starting families at that age. Once married, the couple are treated as adults and

command the respect of the community as adults. Younger siblings are expected to treat their married sister or brother with respect. Girls in particular are often fearful of getting married too old, of being the object of ridicule if seen to be too old to be getting married.

“If you gets married at 18, 19, 20 years o f age they think you’re old, ‘cos to Travellers you are ‘cos Travellers is used to having children like 15, 16, getting married.. .But the girls that don’t get married pt 16 and wait ‘til they’re 17, 18, 19 probably to find a boy like that they love, and when they gets married they’re

ashamed walking down the aisle getting married ‘cos they’re ‘oh, I’m gonna be taken (laughed at), I’m too old, this age I shouldn’t be walking down the aisle’.”

(Resp. 6, female, 37yrs, Irish Traveller) Gmelch (1985) in his study of Irish Travellers in the 1970s observed that Irish Traveller teenagers were marrying earlier than had been the tradition for their parents. He suggested that this was an adaptive response by Traveller parents to the dangers of adolescents mixing on the urban sites, where they felt less able to control their children’s actions. This may result in a girl losing her virginity and this would bring shame on the family. An early marriage ensured that this shame did not befall the family.

An early marriage, however is not seen as desirable with all Gypsy and Traveller women, with some not choosing to get married until they are in their mid twenties, though this is considered to be old. There may be several reasons for this

reluctance to marry. This may be because they do not want the responsibilities that come with marriage and having children or that they simply enjoy being single, or that they are the last remaining daughter and the parents are reluctant to let go.

Those who do not marry into their 30s and 40s, may be treated as children by their parents but adopt adult habits such as drinking alcohol.

“Me mammy now, one out there (sister) she’ll be 40 next month and the other one is 41, me brother. And our (another brother) is 30 somethin’ yet me mammy’s always ‘me children, where’s me children’ they’re still her children, still her babbies. If she goes out she says, ‘For Gods sake watch me child’ Her babby now is coming, yeh 33 years of age, and the other one is 40... But

if they were married now; it’d be different. ‘Oh get up and let the woman sit down’, yer a woman o ra man if you’re married.”

(Resp.6, female, 37yrs, Irish Traveller) Courtship

Courting can be a difficult process in Gypsy and Traveller society. Young single female Gypsies and Travellers are not allowed to have boyfriends and date. It would not be seemly to be on your own with a boy un-chaperoned. A girl’s reputation and virgjnity must be intact to be eligible for marriage. This is seen as very important for Gypsies and Travellers, a young woman may bring ‘shame’ to the family if she is not a virgin when married. Girls would be tested both before marriage and on the wedding night. If you are seen to be with a boy, that is the one you are expected to marry.

We were talking to a young married woman who stays temporarily on site. She was talking about the expectations of women in the marry her. But that it was different for the boys, they could go with girls and would often choose ‘country girls’ to gain experience, but would not marry them.

(Observational field notes, September 2004) When the Project Health Worker explained about sanitary products, the girls (two young teenaged Irish Travellers) mentioned that the use of tampons might mean they would not be seen as virgins. They said there had to be blood on the first night to prove virginity and said they didn’t think Traveller girls used tampons for that reason.

(Observational field notes, August 2004)

Boys appear to have more freedom in regard to this, probably because they enjoy more freedom in general.

“Yeh, like we’re not allowed to have a boyfriend, the man we many, the boyfriend we go out with will be the one we’re

marrying.... The boys, is not the same, I’m not saying Gypsy boys is the same because obviously a man will have a bit o f fun, d’you know

what I mean. Like us (girls) all I’ve ever known is cook, clean and look after me kids really and that’s it, it’s all I’ve ever known. ”

(Resp. 2, female, 22yrs, English Gypsy) Young people will meet at fairs or through visiting other sites with family, or may be members of the extended family. They may have known each other all their lives.

Because dating is not allowed, couples will meet each other in secret until they are ready for marriage. At this stage, the boy will approach the parents of the girl and ask permission for the two of them to get married.

“If a boy likes them and they like a boy, they’ll ask them to go out with them. But they gotta keep it hidden from the parents until they feel they’re in love with each other, then the boy could come and ask.. .that’s the only way it can come out in the open, when they’re ready for marriage.”

(Resp. 5, female, 37yrs, Irish Traveller)

Although it is expected that a boy will ask the girl’s parents for permission to marry, it appears that in some instances this is seen more as a formality. Some believed that the parents were unlikely to say no due to the belief that the couple would go ahead and marry anyway. If the parents did say no, time would be allowed to pass and the boy would be expected to ask the parents again. Once the parents have agreed to the marriage the couple are engaged. This is known as ‘pop the

question’ and can involve a large celebration sometimes extending to several days if the parents are wealthy.

“Well, say if you make a day to get married, well, lets call it

‘pop the question’, well they has a big celebration. ”

(Resp. 1, male, 35yrs, Irish Traveller)

Once formally engaged, a girl will gain a little more freedom and sometimes extended engagements are used by girls for this purpose.

“Asked me to marry ‘im but that was my choice, I didn’t want to get married until I was 25. So I ended up going back out with ‘im when I was 17 and said I’d marry ‘im on condition he waited until I was 25, and he said yeh, so that was it. I knew if he loved me he’d

very wild (married at 21). Oh, I ‘ad a good life, swear to God I did, the best life a Travelling girl ever had.”

(Resp. 5, female, 37yrs, Irish Traveller) Because young people, particularly young women, are kept under tight supervision with no prospect of ‘dating’, couples often meet each other through the family and so marriages between family members such as cousins and even ‘double first cousins’ are not uncommon (see appendix 12). There are several examples of cousin marriages in the Irish Traveller community in Wrexham. Also, two couples who married ‘double first cousins’ are living on the Traveller site at present (see appendix 13).

Close kin marriages was also noted by Gmelch (1985) and he suggested that this is a response to the uncertain and often threatening relations amongst different kin groups in urban areas. He notes that in the past, marriages between close kin were uncommon. He suggests that close kin marriages are a way of strengthening the kin group and ensuring that marriages do not fail, as both sets of relatives have an interest in the marriage surviving.