Creating a Communication Structure

With the above principles in mind, we will now discuss how to create a communication structure that encourages the aggrieved person to trust you and be forthcoming with all the details of her situation. Listening and talking to the aggrieved person is also an essential skill which you will have to inculcate in order to record the DIR accurately and take appropriate precautionary measures.

While talking to a woman who has experienced domestic violence, the essential principles of the interaction should include the following:

Your interaction is with an adult and can only be undertaken with her voluntary and informed consent.

The aggrieved person has the right to the least intrusive intervention. A person will accept help when she is ready. The choice not to accept help must be respected.

Women who have experienced severe violence over a long period of time may often have a distrust of the systems that are meant to protect them. As a PO, you are a part of that system and, therefore, the aggrieved woman may not trust you or your ability to assist her. Do not take this personally. Instead, make an extra effort to reach out to her: to show that you are available and can be depended upon to help her.

Talking about the violence that an aggrieved person has experienced is complicated by fear, ignorance and embarrassment. The woman may be vulnerable and indecisive and show low self-esteem. Most women are very vulnerable at the time of disclosure or can be in a state of emotional shock that may last several days. During this time, many women are overly compliant to suggestions and may later blame the PO for giving advice. The PO should listen, allow time for the woman to vent her feelings, offer emotional support and avoid telling the woman what to do. Remember: giving advice does not mean telling the woman what to do. She must decide her own course of action, with your steady and patient support.

Women who have experienced violence may often feel ashamed of the abuse, terrified of the abuse and blame themselves for the perpetrator’s actions. Before a woman can participate in the process of solving her problems (with your assistance), she needs to realise that she is not at fault for the violence she has suffered. In order for her to realise this, you will have to help remove any feelings of guilt she might harbour, by recognising that violence against the woman is the fault of the perpetrator alone. If a person is unable to control their own emotions and resolve issues in an adult and non-violent manner, then the problem is with that person and not the victim of their violence. In our society, where women are routinely made to feel inferior and told that they ‘deserve’ the violence that they ‘provoke’, it is especially important to make sure that the aggrieved person understands that violence is not her fault, that she has options and that she is not alone. You must make it clear to her that she has the right to live a life free of violence.

As a PO, you will need to offer the aggrieved person a great deal of moral support so that she can develop the confidence to resolve her situation. One way to provide affirmation is in the form of statements like: “You don’t deserve this, you deserve much better”; “There is no excuse for domestic violence”; “You are not alone”; “I will support your choices”.

Domestic violence can overwhelm the aggrieved person’s ability to think clearly. As a PO, it is your role to help the woman look at her situation realistically such that she realises there are concrete steps she can take to improve her situation. Rather than allowing her to feel daunted or defeated by her situation, help her to problem-solve with hope and confidence.

Your interaction should be aimed at creating the maximum options for the aggrieved person, in the context of her specific situation. You need to provide the woman with information about different legal, medical and administrative systems and the rules and procedures of these systems. You need to help her identify and explore all possible options and possible consequences and assist her in developing strategies and a plan of action. You must refer her to resources you know are reliable and with which you are familiar. Information provided about referrals can be as specific as the best time to call, who to talk to and what information she will need to provide. You have to discuss a plan of action, assist in the preparation of all necessary documents or requests for assistance, and help rethink plans if they fail or if circumstances change.

These broad guidelines influence how you should frame your questions, about which more specific suggestions follow below:

Always ask straightforward, open-ended questions in a non-threatening and non-judgmental manner. This will help decrease the stigma associated with abuse.

Women may avoid discussions because questions are painful, embarrassing or provoke anxiety. Structure your conversation to systematically and gradually get more data, thus allowing the aggrieved person to tell her own story. Take notice of vague or evasive answers. Ask for clarification of vague answers and pursue areas in which the woman is evasive.

Do not ask:

‘Yes’ or ‘No’ questions (unless you want a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer).

For example: “Did you have to face any violence?”

Complicated questions

For example: “What do you think are the behavioural implications of violence on women?”

Vague questions.

For example: “What do people generally believe to be the effect of violence?”

Several questions at once.

For example: “What were the results of your interview, did you get the job and have you applied anywhere else?”

Probing, threatening or culturally insensitive questions.

For example: “Do you think that your religion teaches you to be more violent?”

Judgemental questions.

For example: “Aren’t you ashamed of leaving your children behind?”

Questions that imply an answer or a point of view.

For example: “If you want to move on with your life, wouldn’t it be helpful if you moved out of the house?”

Do ask:

Questions that make the woman feel at ease and not threatened.

For example: “How do you feel now?”

Questions that encourage the aggrieved person to continue talking.

For example: “You said that you find it difficult to talk about all the problems you faced in your home. Can you tell me the specific difficulties you faced with your father?”

Questions that elicit more facts, opinions or feelings.

For example: “How do you feel when your mother says that your marriage is fine and you need to go back to your matrimonial home?”

Questions that help the person answer honestly.

For example: “What particular kind of emotional violence do you find the most difficult to deal with?”

Questions that support the person while encouraging objectivity.

For example: “I can certainly understand that living with such a difficult person makes it hard for you to retain your peace of mind. In what way do you think you could reassure your brother and yet retain your rights?”

Questions that are specific and focus on the real situation.

For example: “What happened when you said that?”

Questions that help the person see that you do not have all the answers.

For example: “Let’s try to think of other ways by which to solve this problem?”