Effective writers concentrate on three stylistic principles pivotal to composing readable technical prose:
• Emphasize the important points in each sentence. Avoid "agentless" prose.
• Use an appropriate tone. Emphasizing Important Points
Technical writing often features long passages of complicated information in which every part seems as important as every other part. The root of this problem is at the sentence level and is caused by overuse of nominalizations, strings of qualifiers, and poor narrative structure. For example, consider the following sentence from a sci- entific report:
There may be a retardation of the metabolism of ethanol by the congeners so that it has stronger effect on the nervous system.
The sentence is so heavy with nouns and information that even a scientist would have trouble understanding it quickly. To make this passage more readable, the first thing to do is to recognize and remove the nominalizations.
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Creating a Readable Style
Nominalizations A nominalization is a verb or an adjective turned into a noun (for example, realize becomes realization, or slippery becomes slipperiness). Because technical communicators often write about complex technical concepts, they tend to present information in noun-based abstractions rather than in direct, active verbs. Look again at the sentence about the congeners and the nervous system. By removing the nominalization "retardation," the sentence begins to be easier to un- derstand: "The congeners may retard the metabolism
To make sure your prose is as direct as possible, take time to review what you have written, looking for nouns that cotdd be converted to verbs. (Look for long nouns, especially those ending in -ion.) a matter of minutes, you can increase clarity in your writing and make life much easier for your readers. The following examples identify common nominalizations (the first few are underlined) and illustrate how to edit them.
ORIGINAL We conducted an investigation of the site. EDITED We investigated site.
Additional consideration should be given by Jordan Company to the possible contribution of off-site sources.
EDITED Jordan Company should also consider how off-site sources may con-
tribute.
ORIGINAL A listing of emission units, operations, and activities at the plant is presented in Table 3 - 1 .
EDITED Table 3-1 lists the emission units, operations, and activities at the plant.
•
Information Strings Another roadblock to readability is the use of too much information strung out in seemingly endless words and phrases. Writers frustrate readers by adding strings of phrases and clauses to the basic information in their sentences:
BASIC SENTENCE The first difficulty is evaluating the pollutants a plant emits after the lifts pollution controls on coal-fuel burning in this vicinity.
The first matter of difficulty is the problematic task of assigning some
STRINGS kind of value lo the amount of and nature of the pollutants that a plant emits after the controls for pollution of the air in this particular vicinity and in specialized coal-fuel burning process have been lifted by government.
Such strings arc especially problematic when they occur between the subject and the verb of a sentence. By the time readers wade through the excess material, they
Chapter 5 / Editing for Style
have probably forgotten the point of the sentence. In the following excerpt from a Maine statute governing sanitary engineering projects, the subject is so far removed from the verb that engineers might spend more time trying to decipher the com- pliance rules than completing renovations to the sewage treatment plant:
ORIGINAL Any sanitary district formed u n d e r this chapter, for the purposes of accomplishing its objectives, or paying and refunding its indebtedness of paying any expenses and liabilities incurred u n d e r this chapter, including organizational and other necessary expenses and liabilities whether incun-ed by the district or any municipality therein, or any person residing in unorganized territory encompassed by said district for any such expenses incurred or paid by it or him, and in acquiring properties, paying damages, laying sewers, drains, and conduits, constructing, maintaining and operating sewage treatment plants, or systems, and making renewals, additions, extensions and improvements to the same, and to cover interest payments during period of construction, by resolutions of its board of trustees, without district vote is authorized to borrow money and issue, from time to time, bonds, notes or other evidences of indebtedness of the district in one series, or in separate series, in such amount or amounts bearing interest at such rate or rates, and having such terms and provisions as the trustees shall determine.
State of Maine
MRSA Title 3 8 , Subchapter IV, Section 1201
Not only is that passage one long sentence, its subject, any sanitary district, ap- pears in the first line while the not appear until near the end. The qualifying phrases and clauses that intervene are enough to drown any reader. All the necessary information is there (as the writers of the statute might argue), but should readers have to work so hard to understand it?
The writers could have put the subject and verb together and listed the quali- fiers in a bulleted list:
BETTER The board of trustees has resolved that any sanitary district formed under this chapter is authorized without district vote to borrow money and issue bonds, notes or other evidences of indebtedness to accomplish its objectives or to pay or refund its indebtedness for paying unnecessary expenses and liabilities incurred under this chapter. This resolution includes organizational and other necessary expenses and liabilities (whether incurred by the district, any municipality therein, or any person residing in unorganized territory within the district) as long as the expenses are for such things as
r
Creating a Readable Style • acquiring properties, paying damages, laying sewers, drains
and constructing, maintaining and operating sewage treatment plants or systems, and making renewals, additions, extensions, and improvements to these plants
• covering interest payments during construction periods The district may issue the bonds or notes in one series or in separate series in whatever amounts, bearing whatever interest rates, and under whatever terms and provisions the trustees shall determine. Now the statute is more understandable: one long sentence is divided into with subject and verb united in each; the parts are rearranged; and the qualifiers are set off in a bulleted list.
Creating similar problems, today's companies often label new products or processes with terms made up of long strings of nouns or adjectives: industrial
manufacturing system, 1400 Drive Tape Back-up Soft- ware, front suspension bar support plate, and so on. Although these lengthy
terms precisely label the products and differentiate them from all others, they frus- trate those who want readability and clarity in their documents. It's a challenge to work around noun and adjective strings if a meaning changes without each com- ponent word, but try to simplify where possible. Eliminating these strings is easier once you learn to recognize them. The following sentences are loaded with extra nouns and adjective strings and strings of phrases and clauses. The edited versions illustrate ways to taclde these problems al the sentence level:
Renewal of the contract is conditional on the continued availability of state funds for this purpose and on the approval by the New York State Division of Budget.
EDITED If state funds are available and approved by the New York State Division of we can renew the contract
STRING This velocity mismatch is due to the inaccuracies in
of the initial velocity and the inaccuracies in accelerating the actuator system to the speed of the pallet at the precise m o m e n t of contact. EDITED This velocity mismatch because of inaccuracies in measur-
ing the velocity and accelerating the actuator system to the pallet's speed at the precise moment of contact.
Narrative Structure Even in technical writing, readers expect material to be organized in a way they understand: in other words, to have a "plot." To establish narrative structure in your sentences, order the information so that it parallels the way someone might tell a good story: the characters and setting are established first, and then the storyteller explains what happens to them. Similarly, in your writing make clear first what the focus is of each sentence and then what you want to explain
Chapter 5 / Editing
about it. Remember that each sentence is a miniature story, and ask yourself, "Whose story is it?" and "What's the plot?" You can organize the information by putting whoever (or whatever) it is first and the plot second. For example, notice how the emphasis shifts as the organization shifts in sentences:
The congeners may retard the metabolism of ethanol so that it affects the nervous system more strongly.
The effects reported in this study have one of two explanations. Either the congeners themselves have direct and permanent effects upon central ner- vous system, or there may be a retardation of the metabolism of ethanol by the congeners so that it has a stronger effect. The probability of the latter is less, because the observation of the effects occurred after the blood alcohol concentrations were immeasurably small.
It's pretty hard to discover what's going on in this prose. To try to clarify the mean- ing, first identify what you think are the important elements in the sentences (whose stories they are). It may take a couple of rereadings, but you'll probably agree that the stories in the three sentences belong, respectively, to "explanations," "congeners," and "the latter."
The effects in this study have one of two explanations. Either the congeners themselves have direct and permanent effects upon the Miss Grundy taught me grammar.
learned grammar from Miss Grundy. Grammar I learned from Miss Grundy.
In the first example, the focus is Miss Grundy. She is the important element and ap- pears first in the sentence. The what the writer wants to say about Miss
in the second part of the sentence: "taught me grammar." The next example emphasizes Miss Grundy becomes the plot, not the focus. And the third example focuses on grammar, relegating "I" and "Miss Grundy" to the plot position.
As these examples illustrate, creating emphasis in any kind of writing means putting whose story it is first and what happens to that person or thing second. When writers apply these principles to technical prose, their sentences become much more readable. We can see how this technique works on technical sentences by looking again at the example on page "There may be a retardation of the metabolism of ethanol by the congeners so that it has stronger effect on the ner- vous system." Whose story is it? The congeners. What is the plot? They retard the
metabolism of ethanol. By simply rearranging the information into this narrative
order, you can revise the sentence to be much more readable:
Using this simple method allows you to write prose that readers can follow easily. Take one more look at the congeners, this time in the paragraph in which their sen- tence occurs. The writer paid no attention to establishing narrative structure at the sentence level.
Creating a Readable Style central nervous system, or there may be a retardation of the metabolism of ethanol by the congeners so that it has a stronger effect The proba- bility the latter is less, because the observation the effects occurred well after the blood alcohol concentrations were immeasurably small. Identifying these elements is a step in the right direction, but the paragraph still has problems. To gain greater readability and clarity, it needs to be revised with the plot lines emphasized.
REVISED We can explain our results in one of two ways. Either the congeners themselves directly or permanently affect the central nervous system, or congeners retard the metabolism of ethanol so that it affects the system more Retardation is less probable, though, because we observed the effects well after the blood alcohol concentrations were immeasurably small.
Now we can track definite narrative structure. The beginning of each sentence es- tablishes focus (whose story it is), while the end of each features the em- phatic new information (the plot). Notice that the end of each sentence is the "stress position" where the writer puts the information he or she wants to emphasize most:
We can explain our results in one of two Either the congeners themselves directly or permanently affect the central nervous or the congeners retard the metabolism of ethanol so that it affects the nervous system more
Retardation is less probable, though, because we observed the effects well after the blood alcohol were immeasurably
Notice, too, that the revision has made prose much more direct by naming the persons or things that are the focus of each sentence. A simple table illustrates how to establish sentence plot lines:
First Part of the Sentence Second Part of the Sentence
Whose story is it? What's the plot? Focus Explanation Subject Predicate
By following this narrative pattern, technical communicators make their prose remarkably more readable without seeming overly simplistic.
Avoiding Agentless Prose
Another problem with technical writing is that it often emphasizes things more than actions. Most readers find such prose hard to navigate because people natu- rally respond better to sentences that are verb-driven and clearly identify the
118 Chapter 5 / Editing for Style
persons and things that are is, the agents. For example, compare these two sentences:
It was found that information pertaining to the heat transfer experiment was not included in the report.
Company discovered that the scientists had not included information about the heat transfer experiment in their report.
Which one seems clearer? Which one packs more of a punch? Readers probably re- spond to the second sentence better because it includes clear agents (Ablex and the scientists) performing definite actions, whereas the first sentence is a mystery
don't know "who dun nit."
In most of the other reading they do, readers are used to seeing sentences that progress in this way: agent action result. They to read that somebody does something and causes something else to happen as a result. If you follow that pattern as often as possible when presenting technical information, your sentence structures will conform to reader expectations and be easier to read. For instance, in the following ex- amples, each sentence in the first column does rtof follow reader Instead, the agent is buried somewhere deep in the sentence. Note how the revised sentences move the agents to the more more before the verb.
ORIGINAL T h e growth of M. is inhibited by streptomycin. Streptomycin inhibits the growth of tuberculosis.
ORIGINAL Once site was excavation was initiated on the trench or soil pit as directed by the site manager.
Th e site manager directed the excavation of the trench and the soil pit once the site preparation was complete.
ORIGINAL T h e effects reported in this study have one or two explanations. [No agent is present.
We can explain our results one or two ways. [Writer has put agent in sentence.]
Passive Voice When you write "agentless" prose, you are probably overusing the passive voice, the primary cause of a style that keeps readers guessing about whose story it is. In active voice, the subject of the sentence performs the action; in passive voice, the subject receives the action. Here are examples:
Joe threw the ball.
The ball was thrown by Joe. To recognize the passive voice:
Find the grammatical subject of your sentence. 2. Find the verb of your sentence.
3. Determine if the subject is performing the action of the verb.
Creating a Readable Style
4. If the subject is acting, then the verb is in the active voice.
5. If the subject is passively being acted on by some outside agent, the verb is in passive voice.
writers mistake passive voice for the past tense and therefore try to remove all past tense verbs in their prose. Others believe that the passive voice is always incorrect and never use it. Both assumptions are wrong.
The passive voice is a grammatical structure that serves a real purpose: to emphasize the object and downplay the agent. If that is what you want to do, then the passive voice is an appropriate technique. For example, "The building was con- structed of concrete and steel beams" is a better sentence than "The contractors con- structed the of pre-stressed concrete and steel beams" because who did the construction is not important at
But before taking that example as license to pepper your documents with passives, remember that readers respond much more readily to the ac- tive voice, and using the active voice makes your writing more direct, Only in circumstances does the passive work better than the active. The examples below illustrate passive sentences edited to the active voice. No- tice that editing from passive to active often means that you must provide the name or identity of the in the revised sentence:
PASSIVE The flow rate will be regulated by the air pumps and meters. Air pumps and meters will regulate the rate.
Tip: Sometimes writers use
passive voice when they want to avoid responsibility. For example: "The air intake valve was inadvertently left open." Who left it open? Cer- tainly nobody appearing in that sentence. Be sure to con- sider implications of using the passive voice in this manner: will you raise more questions than you avoid?
PASSIVE
ACTIVE
It is estimated testing will require one to two weeks, and it is anticipated evidence of biodegradation will appear after a maximum of two weeks of testing.
Ablex Co. estimates that testing will require o n e to two weeks, and we anticipate that evidence of biodegradation will appear after a maximum of two weeks of testing.
PASSIVE Concepts and issues were identified for an initial staff questionnaire from reviews and field site visits.
ACTIVE The supervisor identified concepts and issues for an initial staff ques- tionnaire reviews and field site visits.
Using an Appropriate Tone
you speak, your tone of voice, gestures, and facial expressions create an im- pression on your listeners. Written words convey a tone as well, although readers gather their impressions from the words you choose rather than gestures and
Chapter 5 / Editing for Style
facial they cannot see. Understanding how to control the tone of your prose is key to making good impressions on your readers. When you write technical documents, an appropriate tone matches the purpose of your document and audience which it is intended.
Sexist Language Sexist language distinguishes needlessly between men and
women in such matters as occupation, ability, behavior, and maturity. It can wound or irritate readers and indicates the writer's thoughtlessness or biases. See Guidelines: Avoiding Sexist Language to help you eliminate