The last chapter focused on thoughts and feelings against the self. This chapter explores how we label ourselves and think and feel about ourselves in unkind ways. Learning to spot and counter these ways of experiencing ourselves can help with depression.
Self-labelling and the different types of self
Most of us have had the experience of feeling bad, inadequate and useless at times. These feelings usually arise when we are disappointed by our actions, have failed at something or have been criticized by others. As we grow up, our parents, teachers, siblings and peers label us in various ways and may call us things that are hurtful. We may be told that we are a nuisance, bad, unlovable, stupid. Or perhaps overprotective parents say that we are not able to make our own decisions or cannot cope by ourselves. Over time, we develop various ways of thinking about ourselves as being a certain kind of person – that is, we come to label and describe ourselves in various ways. Now the label can colour the experience.
We can often label and experience ourselves differently in different roles. For example, suppose you write to a pen friend – how would you describe yourself? Suppose you are applying for a job – how would you describe yourself? If you are writing to a dating agency, how would you describe yourself? Finally, if you are writing to a priest or someone similar to confess something and seek forgiveness, how would you describe yourself then? The chances are that each letter would say different things about you, because we humans are very complex and have many different qualities and parts. In fact many psychologists suggest we have many different types of self and potential selves within us. We can play different roles with different people. With some people we might be light and humorous, but with others we might feel irritable and tense, and with others again we have a sense of unease or anxiety around them. And of course different situations seem to draw out or
activate different aspects of ourselves. I am happy to talk to an audience about my specialist field, but put me in a car and tell me to drive to London and you’ll fill me full of dread and anxiety.
When we become depressed, the richness, variety and vitality of our many and potential selves drain away and we start thinking of ourselves in rather simple terms, or labels. The labels might be triggered by life events. For instance, you might be rejected by someone you love and then label yourself as unlovable. Or you might fail at some important task and then label yourself as a failure.
Negative labels are often sparked off by negative feelings, which in turn may be strong echoes from the past.
Self-labelling is essentially a form of name-calling. In depression, we come to experience
ourselves as if that label (e.g., weak, inadequate, worthless, bad) sums up the whole truth about us. It can feel as if we are the label: our whole self becomes identified with the label. The judgements, labels and feelings that we have about ourselves when we are depressed tend to be the same the world over. Whether we live in China, the United States or Europe, depression often speaks with the same voice. Here are some of the words depressed people typically use to describe themselves:
bad inadequate outsider unlovable empty incompetent rejectable useless failure inferior small victim
fake loser ugly weak
hopeless nuisance unattractive worthless
Consider for a moment a person you care about. How do you think they would feel if you started to call them these names? Whenever they made a mistake, you called them incompetent or a failure. Of course, it would make them pretty miserable or they’d sack you as a friend. It is no different from your own self-treatment, though. It is easily done but very unhelpful. The trick is to learn to be kind and balanced in our relationships with ourselves when the going gets tough, when we fall over, when we make mistakes, when we are rejected.
However, we can train our minds to realize that the feeling and label of being ‘worthless or useless’ is only one of many possible sets of judgements. There are others, such as: honest, hard-working, carer, helper, lover, old, young, lover of rock music and chocolate, gardener. Our depressed negative judgements, which seem so certain and ‘all or nothing’, can also be examined for their
accuracy and helpfulness. Although depression tends to push us towards certain types of extreme judgements, it is helpful to think that these are only parts of ourselves. Like a piano, we can have and play different notes and can play them in different combinations. We are far more complex than our depression would have us believe. Consider the typical kinds of labels you put on yourself and then reflect on the following:
As a human being, I am a complex person. I am the product of many millions of years of
evolution, with an immensely complex genetic code and billions of brain cells in my head. I am also the product of many years of development, with a personal history. One of the things
evolution has given to all of us is the ability to operate in many different states of mind and in different roles. Therefore to judge my whole self, my being and my essence, in a single negative term is taking all-or-nothing thinking to extremes.
When I am depressed, it is natural and understandable that I tend to feel bad and inadequate, but this does not make me bad or inadequate. To believe it does would be a form of emotional reasoning. I might feel worthless (that is what depression does to feelings) but this does not make it true. These are the thoughts linked to my fears and anxieties and frustrations but they are not truths.
Although I tend to focus on negative labels when I am depressed, I can try to balance these out with other ideas about myself. For example, I can reflect that I am honest, hard-working and caring – at least sometimes. I can consider alternative labels and inner experiences. When depressed it is easy to focus on the negatives, because that’s what depression does. The trick is
to refocus my attention on the things that I appreciate about myself, even if they are difficult to see at times. The act of practising helps me take control of my mind rather than letting depression determine what I think and feel.
How do I see myself when I’m not depressed? Okay, maybe not as good a person as I might like, but certainly not as I do now.
Although depression likes simplistic answers to complex problems and tends to see things in black and white, good and bad, I don’t have to accept this view but can try considering the alternatives.
The essence of me is really my conscious self. Conscious ness is like a spotlight that can shine on many things. It can cast shadows, the light is not the things it lights up – just like me! (See page 121.)
So our labels reflect inner feelings and the way others have labelled us, but we must be careful not to think that the feeling captures the self. The feeling is not yourself – it is (just) a feeling in your consciousness (about yourself) that you are having in this moment. Let’s look at some typical examples that operate in depression.
The empty self
Some depressed people can see themselves as empty. Depression tends to knock out many of our positive emotions, and it is not uncommon to find that people lose feelings of affection for those around them. Hence they feel emotionally dead, drained and exhausted. As one patient told me, ‘I am just an empty shell’. This is an example of allowing our feelings to dictate our thoughts. The feeling of being empty and alone is not the same as actually being an empty shell.
When dealing with these distressing feelings it can be helpful to recognize that they can be a natural symptom of depression. Depression can knock out our capacity to feel. Thus, it is not you, as a
person, who cannot feel; rather, you are in a mental state of not feeling. As soon as your mood lifts, you will feel again. Try not to attack yourself for your loss of feelings, even though it can be
desperately sad and disappointing (see page 411). Indeed, if you focus on the sadness of it, rather than the badness, you might find that you want to cry, and crying might be the first glimmerings of a return of feelings. If this happens, put time aside to allow yourself to cry, check out if you have fears of crying and think about what they are. Think about how you may address those fears. Consider how in the past you have coped with these feelings, and you may have more courage than you are
acknowledging.
Sometimes the experience of emptiness is linked not to negative things about the person but to the absence of positive things. Paula explained this feeling to me: ‘I’ve never felt bad about myself really. I think I’m not a bad person on the whole, but I just feel that I’m a ”wallpaper person”.’ She felt neither lovable nor unlovable; she just didn’t feel anything strongly about herself one way or another. She revealed a history of emotional neglect by her parents. They had not been unkind to her in an aggressive way but were simply not interested in her. With no one in her life who she felt valued her, Paula had been left with feelings of emptiness and drifting through life. When she looked at the advantages and disadvantages of this idea of being a ”wallpaper person”, she discovered that,
although it gave her a feeling of emptiness, it was also serving a useful purpose: it protected her from taking any risks. She had a motto: ‘nothing ventured, nothing lost’.
This view of the self was also a safety strategy protecting Paula from the fears of going out into the world to try to achieve things and change her sense of herself. Changing things we feel safe and
familiar with can be difficult and frightening – even if those things are not good for us.
One way to approach this is not to think of getting rid of anything. We can keep our old beliefs as long as we like, if we feel safe with them, but we can also try to build new ways of thinking and
feeling and gradually see if we like those better as they become safe and familiar. Feel free to hang on to your beliefs as long as you feel you need them. Try not to feel that something is going to be taken away from you, leaving you vulnerable. But also allow yourself to outgrow your old beliefs.
Here are some ideas for building new self-experiences:
Compassionately prepare yourself to take risks and learn how to cope with failure,
disappointment and possible rejection (see Chapter 22). This will be much easier if you learn the art of being kind to yourself in the face of setbacks. We can start with small steps.
Focus on times when you do have some feelings for things – maybe the music you enjoy, or watching a movie.
Develop your mindful attention (Chapter 7) and note how your mind pulls your thoughts this way and that – so, far from empty.
Consider that emptiness is a form of emotional reasoning, such as ‘I feel empty therefore I am,’
which, of course, does not make it true (see pages 213–215).
Consider that what you are calling emptiness might actually be loneliness or a kind of lostness – unsure what you want to do or where to go in life. If so, be honest about that and gently accept it, but also see it as a specific problem to be worked with.
Engage in your compassionate self work and imagery (see Chapter 8). Sometimes working to help others – making that a life goal – can give us a new sense of purpose.
As we have seen, a key step forward is to act against the feeling or thought that seems to be causing us trouble. Let’s think why you are not empty. Consider your fantasies, dreams, desires and
preferences. The pattern of your preferences makes you a unique person. For a start, you probably want to feel different from how you do now. That must mean that you desire to achieve a certain state of mind – not to be depressed any more.
Let’s begin by looking at your preferences. What kinds of films do you prefer and what kinds do you tend to avoid? What kind of music do you like and what leaves you cold? What kind of food do you like and what makes you feel sick? Would you prefer to eat a freshly baked potato or a raw snake or a cockroach? Simple and silly ideas perhaps, but you do have preferences. What kinds of people do you like and feel comfortable with? Which season do you like best? What kinds of clothes do you prefer? If you say that you have no preferences, try wearing a salmon pink top with fluorescent green trousers that don’t fit! The point is not so much that you are empty but that you may, for example, lack confidence to do the things you want, or be feeling very tired, of feel trapped in a lifestyle that is boring. You see, the label does not help you — but working out the actual problem might.
Think about what could happen if you started working on your preferences and developing them.
This means not only thinking about your preferences but also acting on them, so it might lead to some anxiety. If so, write down your anxious thoughts and compassionately think how to shift them – see if your fears are exaggerated. How could you take steps to overcome your anxieties?
Suppose you admit that, however mild they might be, you do have preferences, and emptiness is in your feelings not fact. But then you might say, ‘Yes, but I don’t have any qualities that another person
might find attractive.’ That’s another issue – that’s not about you, but how you relate to other people.
If this is what you think, then your feelings of emptiness may possibly be more related to loneliness.
Or perhaps it’s a problem of confidence. Have you shared your preferences with others? If not, what stops you? What would it take for you to turn to someone you know and say, ‘I’d like to do this or that. Would you?’ If you find that you have thoughts of, ‘But they may not want to, or they might think that I was being silly or too demanding,’ the problem is less one of emptiness and more one of
confidence. It may be true you have a problem with confidence, and it’s also true that if you do not practise expressing your preferences and desires it can sometimes be difficult to know them yourself.
How can you learn what you like and enjoy if you don’t try things out and discover you like this but you don’t like that?
It may also be that you are being unrealistic. Do you want to be attractive to some people, or to everyone you meet? Are you too focused on social comparison (see pages 276–281)? Do you believe that, because your parents didn’t seem that interested in you, nobody will ever be?
Here are some more balanced, helpful ways of thinking about this:
Telling myself I’m empty is a form of emotional reasoning.
I can learn to focus on my preferences and start to share these with others. It may be difficult, so I’ll go one step at a time, but at least I’m on the road to developing.
I may be discounting the positives in my life and saying that some things about myself don’t count. If so, what would they be?
I might be self-labelling here and not appreciating that all human beings are highly complex.
Maybe it is not so much that I am empty but that I am lonely and I have difficulties in reaching out to others.
Maybe it is a problem with confidence. If I felt more confident in expressing myself, would I feel empty?
Am I attacking myself by saying that nobody could be interested in me without giving them much of a chance? If so, how could I give them a chance?
Feeling a nuisance
Nearly all of us humans want the approval of others. This often means that we want to be seen as having things (e.g., talents and abilities) to offer others, and it may be easier to care for others than to be cared for. One problem that can arise is that, when we have needs that can only be met by sharing our difficulties with other people, we feel that we are being a nuisance and may not deserve to be cared for (see Chapter 18). People can be riddled with guilt and shame about needing help. In their early life, their needs may not have been taken seriously. One patient of mine – whose motto was, ‘A problem shared is a problem doubled’– was constantly monitoring the possibility that she was a burden to others. This led to guilt and feeling worse, which, of course, increased her need to be cared for and loved.
The fear of being a nuisance is a common one, but also a sad one. Of course we can feel like a nuisance in a whole variety of ways. Maybe we are physically unwell, are not as competent as others in the group and so on. Sometimes we may have difficulty in being fully open about our needs and asking others for help. Instead, we tend to ‘beat about the bush’ when it comes to our own needs and feelings, and send conflicting messages to others. People’s sex lives can be full of these kinds of
worries in approaching one’s partner for a sexual encounter.
Sometimes patients come to therapy but feel awkward, and instead of getting down to the business of trying to sort out what they feel and why they constantly worry about burdening me. They may feel they are not entitled to be in therapy that their problems are not serious enough, that they are ‘making mountains out of molehills’. Rather than allow us to come to a view on this together, they’ve already decided that they’re being a nuisance to me. I explore this fear of being a nuisance quite early on.
Sometimes it relates to shame, sometimes to a fear that I won’t be able to cope with their needs
Sometimes it relates to shame, sometimes to a fear that I won’t be able to cope with their needs