One way to become more comfortable making requests is to use Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome (DESO) scripts, as proposed by Bower and Bower (1991) in their excellent (and recommended) book Asserting Yourself. Describe, express, specify, and outcome are the four steps in making an assertive request. The intent is to frame the situation, say what’s wrong, make your request, and predict an outcome. Thinking in terms of DESO scripts makes coming up with a request much easier and makes the request more likely to be heard by the other person.
Let's consider each step in more detail.
Describe
Before making your request, define the situation. What's going on? Be as clear as you can without making a long speech.
! “There’s a lot to do before I can serve dinner.” ! “It’s been a long time since we went out together.” ! “I noticed that the lawn needs cutting.”
! “I bought this coffee grinder here yesterday and the cord is missing.” If your request has to do with someone else’s behavior, focus on the behavior rather than on the person’s personality or motives.
! Not great: “You’re lazy and inconsiderate.”
! Better: “You haven’t yet done the chore you agreed to do last week.” ! Not great: “You’re paying me so badly because you think you can get away
with it.”
! Better: “I’m not making as much as other people who have this job.” The behavior of others is less open to argument than their motivation or personality. The chore has either been done or it hasn’t. You’re either making less than the others or you aren’t. It’s open to debate whether the chore wasn’t done due to laziness or whether the low pay is due to greed on the part of your employer. Your goal is to make a request, not to invite the other person to argue. As well, accusing the person of having a negative personality trait or poor motive is likely to make them defensive, and they will resist the rest of your message. Always focus on the behavior.
Express
This is the second step in your request. Express how you are feeling in this situation. Here are some tips:
! State your emotions clearly, don’t act them out. Avoid using the Express stage to “let them have it” with the full impact of your
emotions. A simple statement will do. “I’m not feeling valued at the
moment.” This can feel like an understatement when what you really
want to say is, “I can’t stand it anymore, you selfish jerk!” But it will usu- ally have a better outcome.
! Emphasize the positive. Focus a bit more on the positive emotions you wish you were feeling than on the negative emotions you are currently feeling. Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to say, “I get very angry
when that happens.” But often it can be more helpful to say, “I don’t feel as close to you as I would like.” An emphasis on the positive communi-
cates that you value the relationship and the person but that something (about which you have a request) is getting in the way.
! Stay calm. Try to keep a reasonably calm and even tone when you are saying what you feel. You don’t have to be as detached as a robot. A simple statement that you feel angry is often more helpful than the same message shouted with bared teeth.
! Use “I” statements. Take responsibility for your emotions. You should not be trying to blame how you feel on the other person. This will only make them defensive (“It’s not my fault, it’s yours!”) or cause them to feel bad (“You’re right, I’m completely worthless”). We will never bring out the best in people this way. Using the word “I” shows that you take responsibility for how you feel. “I’m feeling overwhelmed” is better than
“No one could stand this” or “This is unbearable.” “I” statements make
your requests more personal, they communicate that you take responsi- bility for your own feelings, and they avoid implicit insults (“Anyone
would see that your behavior is unreasonable, you dolt!”).
! Avoid martyrdom. Some people find it tempting to overemphasize how bad they feel in the situation (the “poor me” problem). The hidden agenda is that they want to make the other person feel terribly guilty.
“When you didn’t come to my party I just felt worthless, like the whole thing was a complete waste of time.” The hope is that the guilt will make the
other person want to change. This usually doesn’t work. Even when it does work, it often damages the relationship. State how you feel, but don’t overstate it.
Sometimes you can skip the Express stage. If you are asking for directions to the parking lot, for example, you don’t have to say how anxious you’re feeling.
Specify
This is when you make your request. Specify what you would like to hap- pen. Some tips:
! Decide what you want ahead of time. You may feel anxious talking to the person, which will make it harder for you to think on the spot. So before you get started, decide what you want and how you will word the request.
! Be clear but brief. In most situations, your request should take no more than one or two sentences. Be specific. Here’s a bad example: “I’d like
you to take a more active role on the committee.” What does that mean,
exactly? Better: “I’d like you to handle the fundraising for the next six
months.”
! Frame the request positively. Say what you want, not what you don’t want. “I’d like the garbage to be taken out by eight o’clock” is better than
“Don’t be so lazy about taking the garbage out.”
! Focus on behavior. What do you want the person to do? Don’t ask for changes in how the person thinks or feels. “Stop resenting me so much.”
“Stop being so stubborn.” “I’d like you to have a better attitude.” Also avoid
being too general. “I want you to be more considerate.” Each of these is likely to confuse the issue or make the other person resist your request. Here are some examples of appropriate “specify” statements:
! “I’d like you to set the table for dinner.” ! “I want you to be home before midnight.”
! “When you’re feeling angry, I’d like you to write me a note saying what you
object to.”
! “Let’s sit down and plan who will pick up the kids each day.”
The more specific you are, the greater the opportunity for the other person to go along with your request.
Outcome
The last step is to describe the outcome that you think will follow if the other person does or does not go along with what you suggest. Bower and Bower refer to this stage as “Consequences.” For some people this usually means punishment, and so the word “Outcome” has been substituted here. What kinds of outcomes do we mean?
Feelings
Perhaps you will simply feel better. This may be the most frequent type of outcome statement that you will make.
! “I’d really like that much better.”
! “Then I think I would feel more comfortable.”
! “If you do that, I think I’ll be much less overwhelmed.”
Results
Sometimes your outcome will be a concrete effect in the outside world. ! “I think the project will get done much faster that way, and we can relax
sooner.”
! “That would remove one of the barriers between us, and I think we would get
along better.”
! “Then I would be able to get the most important things done first, and you
wouldn’t be left waiting.”
! “I think that would raise your employee rating next time around.”
Reward
Perhaps you will do something for the other person in return. ! “Then I’ll give you a massage when you get home.”
! “If you do that, I’ll take over the laundry this week.” ! “If so, you can invite a friend over for a movie tomorrow.” ! “Then you can have the car next Thursday.”
Punishment
Perhaps if the person doesn’t do what you request, you will do something they won’t like. Note: You should use this one extremely sparingly (even with children). Most people overuse punishment as a way of getting what they want. Reward is usually much more effective. Sometimes, however, punishment is appropriate:
! “If the garbage is not out by eight, there will be no television tonight.” ! “If you aren’t able to be faithful to me, I will have to do something I don’t
want to do: end the relationship.”
! “If the sexual remarks keep up, I will report them to the human resources
department.”
By stating an outcome you once again take responsibility for your own behavior and let others keep responsibility for their behavior. You are not demanding that others do anything. This would be trying to control their behavior. Instead, you are simply saying what you will feel and do if they act in certain ways. Others are invited to consider the situation and decide what to do of their own free will.
Remember that negative consequences often cause resentment. Punish- ments are less effective at changing behavior than are rewards. In most situa- tions, take some extra time to frame your consequences in a positive way. Consider adopting the “three-to-one policy.” This means that you strive to give at least three times as many rewards as punishments and three times as many compliments as criticisms.
One more tip about outcomes: People often make outcome statements that are vague or excessive. These are unlikely to come true. If you do this, others will learn not to take you seriously. Here are some poor outcome statements:
! “Or I’ll ground you for an entire year!” (Not likely!)
! “If you don’t, boy are you going to get it.” (It? What do you mean?) ! “Then I’ll love you forever, darling.” (Until the next demand, anyway.) ! “Then everything will work out perfectly!” (Nothing works perfectly.) Be specific and realistic when making your outcome statements.