WHAT IS DISCIPLINE?

When babies and children misbehave, we use discipline to help them choose a better way to behave. Discipline is teaching the baby or young child many skills. It is important that when we discipline, we are patient, stay respectful and be consistent. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is unacceptable and includes spanking, withholding food, name-calling and so on. (See the handouts for this session for the differences between punishment and discipline.)

2.1 How can I discipline my baby or young child? There are many positive and respectful ways to discipline. It is extremely important that you consider the age and the stage of development of your baby or young child when you discipline. Babies are too young to understand the consequences of their behaviour. Here are some suggestions on how to discipline your baby or child; it is not an exhaustive list but it will hopefully encourage you to think of alternatives to punishing your baby or child (Dinkmeyer et al, 1997:94 & Desmond, 6).

2.1.1 Distract the child

Distraction works especially well with babies. For example, if your baby pulls your ear, or plays with something dangerous, give her something else to play with. If two siblings are fighting over a toy, try

2.1.2 Ignore misbehaviour

Ignoring the behaviour is a helpful skill that can be used to respond to behaviours such as showing off, sulking, whining, mild crying, temper tantrums, power plays, interrupting, begging for treats and insulting people. However, we cannot ignore behaviour in which children are hurting others or putting themselves in danger.

2.1.3 Structure the environment

Removing particular items will help the child forget about them. Childproofing or baby-proofing the environment will help to make your home safer and then you will not have to say “No” so frequently to your baby or young child. Having routines such as regular bedtimes and mealtimes are another way to structure the environment. Basic rules in the house will help the child understand what needs to be done, as well as when and how. Examples of rules are: No playing with a ball in the house; Toys must be picked up when we finish playing with them; No sweets before meal times as this will spoil your appetite.

2.1.4 Control the situation, not the child

You do this by giving choices; for example, a three year old is given the choice between two sets of clothing to wear. Instead of giving orders, set limits; for example, the child is free to explore and touch, but if she breaks something or does something dangerous, you distract her or remove the item. Use a door or gate so the child has boundaries. If necessary, remove the child altogether from the situation.

2.1.5 Involve the child

By giving young children choices, we involve them in the discipline process. For example: “I will help you when you ask me nicely”; “If you are not dressed within ten minutes, you will go to crèche in your pyjamas.”

2.1.6 Plan time for loving

It is important to spend special time every day with your baby or young child Read to your baby or child, and play, cuddle and enjoy being with each other. You and your child need this time together to develop a healthy relationship; it can also help prevent behaviour problems.

SES S ION 9 : POSI T IVE DISCIP 2.1.7 Let go

Sometimes we need to let go and be less controlling (e.g. let a child play on his own). But of course we should protect them if necessary, but being overprotective is unhealthy for the baby or child because it will limit their confidence.

2.1.8 Increase your consistency

You need to always treat the same behaviour in the same way, no matter where or when it occurs. Being consistent in public (e.g. at the shops) is not always easy but it will ensure that your discipline is more effective. Do not worry about what other people might think; being consistent will show your child that your limits are consistent. 2.1.9 Notice positive behaviour

When you acknowledge positive behaviour in your child, it is good for their self-esteem and it will encourage more positive behaviour in the future. For example, say something like: “Sbongile, it looks like you and Kagiso are enjoying playing together.”

2.1.10 Excuse the child with a time-out

Time-out can help a young child regain self-control because it gives a child time to calm down. But only use time-out as a last resort. Time- out should be used for very disruptive behaviour such as temper tantrums, constant interruptions, hitting or biting. Time-out should last for no longer than one minute for each year of a child’s age, e.g. a four-your-old child’s time-out will never last more than four minutes. Young children need to know the rules of the time-out. Take the opportunity to talk about time-out before a problem arises. You might say: “When your behaviour tells me you are not ready to be with other people, I will know you need a time-out.”

Choose a safe place for the time-out and do not lock the door. If you have chosen a room and the child comes out before the time is up, you firmly but kindly return the child to the room. It is okay if the child plays during time-out because this shows that the child has regained some control. Remember, it is a time-out and not a punishment; it is intended to give you and your young child some quiet space. Tell your child that they may come out when they are ready to calm down; in this way, your young child will be developing self-control.

Time-out should be used for very disruptive behaviour such as temper tantrums, constant interruptions, hitting or biting.

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2.1.11 Cause and effect

Your child also has to learn to take responsibility for what she does. You will need to help her understand the consequences of her actions. For example, if your five-your-old child plays with a pot and leaves it outside, say to her that mommy cannot cook food for her because she does not have the pot she needs; ask her to bring the pot inside so you can cook food for her.

2.2 Natural consequences

A consequence is the result of a child’s choice of action.

We can also discipline our children by using natural consequences. Natural consequences are those things that happen in response to your child’s behaviour, i.e. they will happen without the interference of the parents/caregivers. For example, if a five-year-old child refuses to eat dinner, then the natural consequence will be that he feels hungry; if a child refuses to wear a jersey, he will get cold.

You must always consider the age of your baby or young child before using natural consequences. Some natural consequences are also not safe, for example we cannot let a child run into the street in order to learn that he could be in danger of being hit by a car.

2.3 Logical consequences

Logical consequences are different to natural consequences because the parent/caregiver creates the logical consequence. The consequence should be directly related to the unacceptable behaviour. For example, if your child skips a chore, instead of taking away TV privileges, make her do an extra chore. Another example is when your child leaves a mess; instead of grounding her for a week, make her clean two rooms. Age of course is very important – you cannot expect a three year old to clean two rooms; the logical consequence would be that if she does not put away her toys, she will not be allowed to play with them the following day.

You can give positive and negative consequences:

Positive consequences are the things your children like. For example: “After you have cleaned your room, we can play outside.”

Negative consequences are things your child does not like. For example: “If you don’t change out of your good clothes, you are not

You must always consider the age of your baby or young child before using natural consequences.

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SES S ION 9 : POSI T IVE DISCIP

The following advice comes from Dinkmeyer et al (1997:100)

Accept the choice: When your child decides, let the decision stand for the time being. For example, if a five year old leaves crumbs all over in the family room after she has had a snack, the next time she has to eat her snack in the kitchen and not in the family room. Add time for repeated misbehaviour: Each time the same misbehaviour occurs, increase the amount of time for the

consequence. For example, if the same child leaves a mess again in the family room, she may now not eat in the family room for the next two snack times.

Use respectful words: For example: “You must please settle down, or you will have to leave the room. You must decide”, or “You may play with the baby if you don’t pinch him.”

Respect the choice: Your child may choose some consequences as a way to test you. Simply say: “I see you have decided. You can try again tomorrow.”

Talk less, act more: When you use consequences, talk as little as possible as you follow through with action because children tend to stop listening when adults talk too much.

Stay calm: Yelling, nagging or making threats will turn a consequence into punishment. Practise keeping calm in front of a mirror and carefully listen to the tone of your voice.

2.4 Parents’/caregivers’ behaviour when they discipline their children

It is very important to maintain a matter-of-fact facial expression and tone of voice. Do not yell, shout or get angry and instead stay calm. firm and always kind. Show respect for yourself and your young child. Use positive disciplining methods and never use punishment (see Handouts 11, 12 and 13). Punishment lowers our children’s self- esteem and teaches them to resent and fear us which will harm the kind of relationships we want with our children. These are the reasons why we do not use punishment but rather choose positive discipline. In conclusion, positive discipline teaches young children how to

Do not yell, shout or get angry and instead stay calm and firm, and always kind.

REFERENCE LIST

Desmond, S. Date unknown. You and Your Child. The Family Literacy Project.

Dinkmeyer, D. Sr, McKay, G.D., Dinkmeyer, J.S., Dinkmeyer, D. Jr. & McKay J.L. 1997. Parenting Young Children. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Children Under Six. Minnesota: American Guidance Service, Inc.

Dobson, J. 1970. Dare to Discipline. Eastbourne: Kingsway Publishers.

Gordon, T. 1975. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Tested New Way to Raise Responsible Children. New York: New American Library. Silberman, M.L. & Wheelan, S.A. 1980. How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty. Assertive Relationships with Children. Illinois: Research Press.

UNICEF. Early Childhood Resource Pack: Young Child Survival, Growth and Development (CD).

http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/training/discpun/dp01. htm. Discipline and Punishment.

http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/training/natlog/nat01.htm. Natural and Logical Consequences.