Emotional Parentification

The more emotional aspects of a role reversal, where the child performs a parental role by providing support or reassurance to either the imprisoned or remaining parent, were also seen in the young people I spoke to, both due to familial imprisonment and other factors. The idea of ‘stepping up’ or becoming the ‘man of the house’ may traditionally be thought of where boys lose their father in the home, perhaps providing support and care for their mother, or being asked to by an absent father (see Shaw, 1987), but it is not restricted to this gendered generalisation. This is perhaps unsurprising given the gendered cultural expectations on women and girls to provide care and support within families, something reflected in the research on prisoners’ families specifically (e.g. Christian, 2005; Comfort, 2008; Jardine, 2018).

On being told by her father that his trial was not going well, Natalia stated that she “…almost kind of took that, like, ‘Right, okay, I’m going to have to fill my

dad’s boots,’ not in a bad way but just in, like, a, right, I almost prepared myself…”

When asked about what she missed most, or the one feeling when her brother went away, Morven said, “I just kind of remember feeling that I had to, kind of, hold the family together.”

Thinking about the more traditional idea of parents worrying more about their children when they are younger than the child would worry about their parent, Loureiro’s (2010) work has shown that for children with a parent in prison the worry and fear for their safety has contributed to the development of psychological problems for these children. As well as the young people I spoke to acknowledging this worry, one participant also spoke of this extending to not wanting to “burden” them with things, instead trying to deal with everything himself to shelter the parent:

“…going back to the relationship it did limit the relationship a lot, because you feel you cannae confide in them ‘cause you dinnae wanna burden them with anything, you know. So, you, I don’t know, that might stem to the growing up too quick and things like that, trying to deal with everything on your tod, and look after your mum…” (Kev, KIN)

Kev recounted one specific incident around having problems at school but not feeling that these should be shared with the imprisoned parent. One aspect of being a parent could be said to be the opportunity to ‘help’ your child, keep them safe and deal with any problems, but the child’s need to not burden them can prevent this aspect of a parent/child relationship from developing.

Dylan did not feel like he had necessarily taken on a parental role in relation to his dad but he did feel there had been a shift of power around the traditional provision of support and need for approval:

“I kind of felt, like, when my dad got out of prison properly and I actually started to form a relationship with him was when I was, like, 16, 17, so at that point I had already, kind of, grown up and formed the person that I

was without him, whereas when he’s coming out of prison he’s then starting his life. So, I’ve always felt more like the, sort of, when you were talking about power, I’ve always felt I’m providing more support to him than I’ve ever gotten from him in that sense. So, I don’t feel like I’m a parent but I don’t feel like he has any, sort of, say over my life or any control aspect of it. Not that, I feel like he maybe seeks approval from me whereas I never seek approval from him in any way because I did it all before he was there, sort of thing. But I feel like he does, like, kind of seek approval from me on a lot of things.” (Dylan, KIN)

Imprisonment was not, however, the only factor that caused the young people to worry about their parents. When Sam returned to his mother’s care after she was released from prison, he spoke of taking on a practical caring role for his younger siblings, as well as for his mum, but also for his concern for her:

“…I remember there being times where, erm, me and my brother, erm, staying at my mum’s house and my mum used to go to the pub and leave me and my brother in, and obviously my little sister was ill, so, like, we’d have to look after her. So it’s, like, we had to do the washing and we had to do, obviously hang the school clothes up and cook the dinners and, having to learn that from a young age. Like, having to bring my mum a cup of tea on a Saturday afternoon ‘cause she was hungover, erm, like, having to, like, make sure she takes her tablets so, like, she doesn’t go wonky during the week. Erm, I think it got to the point where I was just, kind of, I wanted to look after everybody else instead of myself, so, I kind of, I think I let myself go downhill because I wanted to look after everybody else.” (Sam, KIN)

His mum’s use of alcohol, rather than her imprisonment, although of course these two could be interlinked, was the reason that Sam found himself taking on a more parental role within the family rather than being the ‘child’.