(In many cases this is an extremely rare occurrence but one should always be prepared for it. If you work in front of an orchestra, this bit is perfect. Without an orchestra it may be used Avitli the rest of the people in your show or even the audience themselves. Simply introduce each of them in turn and then use the following remarks about them to their best advantage. Try to fit the gags to the person’s appearance and personality. Also try to give the impression that your remarks are completely ad-lib and your audience reaction will double itself.)
Thank you, thank you very much folks, but I know that more than half of that applause belongs to (bandleader’s name) and his boys. (Point to leader and lead the applause for him.) He really deserves all the credit in the Avorld for lie’s a savcII felloAv and a great musi
cian. Why even at the early age of three he used to play on. the lin oleum ... In college he majored in music and on the side Avas a halfback in football—and left back in studies...Even his girl
friend knew he was musically inclined by the Avay he used to keep
fiddling Avith her garter... One day he heard a girl singing in the
bath-tub in the next room and A v o u l d you belieA'e it he l o v e d music
so much he put his ear to the kev-liole... it says here... I
looked through a key-hole once and A vas I embarrassed! I saw an
other eye...And he’s really got a talented bunch Avith him. In
fact Im going to introduce them to you:
This is--- . He used to be a holdup man before the
A v a r . He s o l d b r a s s i e r e s... He r e a l l y l o v e s n a t u r e—in s p i t e o f A v h a t i t d i d t o h i m . . . . He’s a n o u t d o o r m a n . All d a y l o n g h e d o e s n o t h i n g b u t h u n t a n d d r i n k . All h e e v e r b u n t s f o r i s a d r i n k ...
And here Ave haA e---. He’s so lazy the only time he
getting around women. He used to be a corset manufacturer . . . . He lived oil' the fat of the land so to speak . . . .
His name is --- . He had a girl friend who treated him just like dirt — always hid him under the bed . . . . She used to call him Santa Claus because he couldn’t keep his hands off her stockings . . . . Then they married and now lie’s so henpecked, every night the dog lakes him for a walk . . . .
His name i s --- . All through his adolescence they told him about the birds and tbe bees but it didn’t do him any good—he doesn’t know any birds or bees . . . He’s so shy that when he was out with his girl and the lights went out he spent the rest of the evening repairing the fuse . . . .
This fellow’s name is --- The music business is just a sideline with him. He runs a jewelry shop in a Reno hotel. Makes his profit by renting wedding rings . . . .
This Adonis is called ---. He’s so egotistical he has a mirror on the ceiling of his bathroom so that he can watch himself gargle . . . . He thinks he has a clear conscience, actually it’s just a poor memory . . . .
They also used to have a piccolo player but he got locked up for being an early bird. He wras caught in a bank before it opened . . . . It’s a shame because his brother starved to death last week. He was a pick-pocket who got stranded in a nudist colony...
IDEAS
How would you like to do the perfect vent act without know ing the slightest thing about ventriloquism? It’s very simple if you want to go to a little trouble. Have a record made of your voice and have an assistant handy backstage with a phonograph hooked up to the theatre’s amplification system. Announce that you believe you have perfected the most perfect ventriloquism technique in the history of the theatre; that you can throw your voice wihout the slightest movement of your lips. Give them a demonstration by keeping your mouth shut and having your assistant play a bit of the record. You can use a few of the routines given in this book for the material used on the record. If the sound system is any good at a'l they will not catch on. Then announce the fact that you Avill throw your voice while drinking a glass of water. Again have your assistant play the record. Then for your final feat declare, that for the first time in the history of mankind, you will sing a duet with yourself. Sing in harmony to your recorded voice. They will now realize that a record is being used, and to play up the comedy here, after one chorus of your song have a groove cut in the record so that it will repeat itself. At this point your act is completely given away so play your em barrassment to the hilt. You can cut a groove in the record very easily with a razor blade but be sure to cut through just one ridge or you will spoil the entire record.
Variations on this idea are limitless. You can do a comedy routine of talking to yourself, or perfect imitations of leading singers, actors, etc., by just moving your lips and Jetting their records do the work. It is really a hilarious stunt and one well worth the trouble it lakes to perform. The cost is negligible as these home made records can be made for just a few dollars.
How many times have you produced an egg and to prove it real have merely broken it into a glass? If you are using a boy from the audience you can really have a comedy finish by placing a bottom less glass in his hand and cracking the egg into it. It will look legit imate for a moment until he cries out and lifts the glass revealing a mass of yellow goo on his hand. This may even be worked with adults but be sure you are in no danger of spoiling their clothes and be sure they are good-natured. The latter is extremely important. Always have a towel handy to clean the egg off their hand.
For a handy side table that takes up no space at all use Ihe suit case in which you carry your equipment. Obtain a ilat, square board that fits into the bottom of the suitcase. When you wish to use this impromptu table merely stand the suitcase on end and open it in the form of a V with the point facing the audience. Place the board upon the open halves of the case and throw your table cover over it. This not only presents a smart appearance, but it is sturdy enough to hold the heaviest of your apparatus.
OPENINGS
(Use these to start off your act, and then work them into any of your longer routines.)
Attention!! I’ve been requested by the management to ask if thereliT anyone her(Twlu>TfasTost a roll oTlnlTs^viHi a rubber band around them? (Wait for your response from the audience.) Well, Tfound the rubber band'TT. . Ah, yes! We’re having all new jokes tonight—tonight the corn is green . . . . My real name is (full name) but everybody calls me (nick name). Everybody, that is, except the people I owe money to . . . . I’m very glad to be working here tonight though. In fact, I’m very glad to be working anywhere tonight . . . . Don’t laugh folks, wait till you see the rest of my act . . . . This is Be Kind To Dumb Animals Week so I’d like to announce that all the proceeds I receive for this engagement will be donated to the horses at (local race-track) . . . . And before we begin I must caution you ladies to please watch your language. There’s a sailor in the house ...
Good evening ladies and gentlemen: I want to thank you for your warm and generous welcome. Now that you’ve clapped you can put your hands back in each other’s pockets . . . . I never thought I would leave America, but here I am . . . . Seriously though, (your location) is a swell place. I like the way it is laid out. I don’t know how long it’s been dead but it certainly is laid out swell . . . . But I know a lot of nice people who come from ---•.
In fact, the nicer they are the quicker they come from --- . . . . I’ll never forget the first time I played here. I didn’t have a nickel in my pocket but now—now I have a nickel in my pocket . . . . Just a few minutes ago they told me women were a dime a dozen in this town. And just think, all this time I’ve been squandering my money on gum-drops . . . . But I just want you to settle down and relax. Remember, some clubs take you to Havana, some take you to Algiers, but this club is different. We just take you . . . . I’m what is^called a miracle worker— that’s because it’s a miracle whenTwork .'. . ."'But willryour permission I should like to attempt a lew experiments in the field of legerdermain----
Good evening folks! You probably haven’t seen me around these parts lately. I’ve been in Mexico the past five years. Do von think it’s safe to register for the draft now? . . . . I guess you can tell I’m a well-traveled man by this suit I’m wearing. It comes from England. The manufacturer in Britain sells it to the middle man who ships it here and sells it to an American wholesaler. He sells it to the retail shop that sold it to me. What puzzles me, is how so many people can make a living out of a suit I haven’t even paid for yet . . . . But the theatre’s paying me, and so my first effect will be----
CLOSINGS
(Tack any one of them onto the end of your act for a smooth closing.) Well, I’ll have to go now. It’s the children’s night off and I have to go home to take care of the nurse . . . . Incidentally, I pay her hush money every week. She’s the one who keeps the baby quiet . . . .
And now I am going to say five words that will make me dis
appear entirely. Thank 5Tou and good night.
You’ve been such a swell audience that I’d like to teach you a little parlor trick that you’ll be able to fool your friends with. Would you like that? (Wait for audience response.) Well, I want you to do this right along with me. Take out your pocket handkerchief. (At the same time, take out your own handkerchief.) Now, fold it into a triangle. (As you do this though fold the handkerchief in half. Do this Tso that they can sec it and they, flunking you have made a mistake, will follow your actions.) Then fold it into another triangle. (Again fold it in half.) Now once again I’m going to fold it into a triangle. (This time actually fold it into a triangle.) Fooled you, didn’t I? (This may seem corny, but it always gets a big laugh.) Now grasp the center of the long end by the tips of your fingers and hold your arm outstretched with the handkerchief below your fin
gers. Quickly move your arm up and down. (As you instruct
them, go through the motions yourself. Let them move their hands for a few seconds.) Well, g’bye now! (Shake your handkerchief at them as you leave the stage. They will get a big laugh out of this unusual ending and will remember it long after they have forgot ten the rest of your magic.)
INTRODUCTIONS
(Nowadays a performer must be versatile. In addition to doing his own act at times he is railed upon to act as host or master of cere monies. These little introductions will help those in need of suit able material for such occasions.)
(For the male entertainer)
AVe have here tonight a man who has made quite a name for himself—but I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you what that name is . . . . He’s just played all the leading cities—Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Brooklyn . . . . also many of the famous night clubs
■—The Brown Derby, The Latin Quarter, The Diamond Horseshoe,
Joe’s Chop House . . . . and only recently he was held over for six months at Sing Sing . . . . He’s a little nervous tonight. Had a blessed event in his house. (Wait for applause) His mother-in-law went home . . , . And so, I bring you the world’s greatest magician, spiritualist, hypnotist, psychologist, showman — (Use appropriate titles for the individual concerned) and the man who wrote this introduction— (his n a m e )...
(For the male vocalist)
Due to conditions beyond our control, Mr. (his name), who was originally scheduled to be heard at this time-— will be heard . . . . Mr. --- —--- is a baritone (change this for the person involved) and when he is at his best, his voice has been, compared to that of a human being . . . . He has made many pictures. Some were in technicolor—the others had plots . . . . In fact, he can be seen at the Paramount Theatre any night — scraping the gum off the seats . . . . and so we bring you, at no great expense to the manage ment ---- --- .
(For the female vocalist)
And next we have that lovely singer of songs (her name). (Have her come out beside you). It’s no wonder your voice comes out so well, look where it’s been . . . . I like the way she sings though—like a telephone operator—every line is busy . . . . She’s really just ninety per-cent perfect—the other ten per-cent belongs to her agent . . . . But (o he a great singer, one must have poise, charm, a vibrant personality, a sparkling voice—but that’s enough about me . . . . here’s --- .