Bad expository dialogue really stands out. It consists of characters telling each other things they already know. Here is a simple example.
The set-up is as follows:
Greg and Julie are married with two children – a 14-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl. Greg’s mother, who lives nearby, is elderly and he thinks she can’t be left on her own any more. He wants to sell his and his mother’s houses and use the money to buy a bigger house that they can all live in. Julie is less than keen on the idea.
Here’s some really bad expository dialogue:
JULIE
You’re late. Did the engineering factory where you work as a section foreman keep you late?
JACK
No, though I did stay on an extra ten minutes because there’s a good chance that I’ll be promoted from foreman to supervisor B grade.
What really slowed me down was stopping to look at a large semi-detached house I saw on Albermarle Road.
JULIE
You mean Albermarle Road near to where your mother lives in a two-up two-down with very steep stairs?
JACK
Yes; and I was thinking that seeing as we have two children – a 14-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl – we could do with more space than we have here. Though it’s technically a three-bedroomed house, our daughter Holly’s room is more like a box-room.
JULIE
What you mean is that there’d be more space to move your 78-year-old mother in so she can boss you around.
Glossary
Expository dialogue: dialogue that is descriptive and serves only to fi ll in gaps or to explain a story that is too complex.
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Making dialogue convincing > How do I explain what’s happening? > Refi ning dialogue
JULIE
You’re late. Not more unpaid overtime?
JACK
No – promotion, or a good chance of it.
Supervisor instead of foreman. If it happens, we could move.
JULIE We? Who does we include?
JACK
Just hear me out – there’s a semi for sale on Albermarle Road. A big semi.
JULIE
Albermarle Road? So she wouldn’t even have to move very far. Jack, I am not moving just so we can accommodate your mother.
JACK
It’s not about my mum, it’s about the kids.
Teenagers need more space than we’ve got here.
Especially Holly, her room is more like a box-room than a bedbox-room.
This is painful stuff, but it’s what you might write in the fi rst draft.
In the second draft, you should be looking for ways to convey this information without the audience noticing that they are absorbing it.
To begin with, one could deal with the issues of the children by having them in the room or by having a family photo prominent somewhere.
If necessary the daughter could complain about how small her room is.
If Jack truly is a mummy’s boy, then we could place a photo of his mother somewhere prominent – though this would only work if the audience had already met her. All the other information can be conveyed in the dialogue:
This isn’t Shakespeare, but it does convey the necessary information a little less jarringly than the previous example. Some information has been left out as unnecessary – like the mother’s age and her house having steep stairs. There will be opportunities to explain this at some other point, especially if we see the mother’s house.
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Second draft
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How do I explain what’s happening?
This is a truly impressive tea service; the business. The cup is placed on a saucer in front of Keith. The Waitress lifts the teapot. The pneumatic drill stutters and there is a very loud BANG.
This is followed by a flash of blue light. All the lights go out. The Waitress screams, tips the teapot – over Keith’s crotch.
EXT. STREET. CITY. DAY.
It’s still raining. Keith hurries along the street. And turns into the entrance of a RAILWAY STATION.
INT. STATION BUFFET. DAY.
It’s busy, but there are a couple of tables free. The place is self service. He takes a tray and slides it along the counter until he reaches the point at which hot drinks are served. A bored-looking girl of about eighteen stands there. Eventually she notices Keith.
She picks up a pot, picks up a stainless steel infuser on a chain and puts it in the pot. Then she manoeuvres the pot under the spout that spits out boiling water.
The Girl blasts boiling water into the pot. Puts the pot, a cup and saucer, a bowl of sugar and a small jug of milk on the tray.
DISSOLVE TO:
Keith sitting at a table. He’s waiting for the tea to brew. He touches the pot. Looks at his watch. He rubs his hands in anticipation.
Looks at his watch. Drums his fingers. Then notices a sudden in-rush of customers. Looks at his watch again.
He picks up the pot and pours the tea. It’s a rich golden brown. Keith’s nostrils twitch. It’s perfect. He relaxes. At last. He picks up the milk jug. Pours the milk, a pure stream of white. Only it’s not. It curdles.
He looks at it with disbelief. Then anger. He picks the tray up and heads towards the counter. But it’s now very busy.
He tries to attract the girl’s attention but there’s a press of customers at the counter. She ignores him.
He puts the tray down on a trolley. And dejected but hurried, heads out onto the platform.
A Nice C up of Tea – 2nd draft, continues on page 111
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Making dialogue convincing > How do I explain what’s happening? > Refi ning dialogue
Show rather than tell
The general rule with expository dialogue is that you should fi rst think of ways to show the information you want to convey, then if there’s no other way of getting it across, you should try to drop it into the dialogue. Remember that dialogue is there to help illustrate character.
That is the prime purpose of a line or speech; the information is somewhat incidental.
It’s worth remembering that audiences are good at picking up subtexts, of building a picture from limited information. Consider the following exchange:
Expository dialogue
Good expository dialogue takes time and practice but as long as you ask yourself:
• Are my characters telling each other things they’d already know?
• Am I over-explaining things?
…you will fi nd that writing it will come easily and naturally.
Glossary
Subtext: meaning that is not at the forefront of speech but which lies beneath the surface.
Hidden meaning intended to be understood with careful reference.
SUSAN Have you seen Mark?
GREG
There’s a black BMW parked outside Laura’s house.
SUSAN Is he mad?
This actually tells us quite a lot. It suggests that Mark is doing something he shouldn’t and that Susan disapproves very strongly. It could be that Mark and Laura are having an affair, but we don’t need Susan or Greg to say this out loud.
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Second draft
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