Letter 2
\l
heading
product description essential details 310 characters evaluating product the 1 st invitation 10 character introducing the exhibition 46 characters offering incentives 23 characters the 2nd invitation 11 characters contact details 6 characters the exhibition on-site demonstration telephone number signature
The letter has a total of 406 characters
The above figure indicates the various moves and steps that appear in the letter. This letter has five moves typical of a sales invitation: (1) describing the product, (2) inviting the reader, (3) introducing the exhibition, (4) offering incentives, and (5) providing registration details. However, the letter begins with a detailed description of product without any
indication that there will be a link between the description and the exhibition. In addition, the letter seems to follow a reversed sequence from other sales invitations in the corpus which develops from describing the exhibited products towards introducing the exhibition, and does not begin introducing the exhibition until the middle of the text in Line 24. This sequence may create some confusion about understanding the communicative purposes of the genre this letter belongs to. Some of the above points are also discussed by the managers as shown in the following typical comments they made on this letter.
(1) “This letter does not have a complete format for a sales invitation, and includes no salutation or date. The heading of the letter is too general, and the writer does not explain what the invitation was about in the heading.”
(2) “The writer focuses too much attention on describing the product and starts the letter with a long and detailed introduction to the products instead of inviting the reader. This kind of beginning can lead to some confusion and nobody would know it is a sales invitation from reading this section. Besides it is not polite or respectful to ignore the reader in a sales invitation in this way.”
(3) “The descriptions of the product are too detailed and have too many technical terms. For example, the writer gives a lot of instructions about how to use the carvers, which makes the letter read like an instruction manual. The reader will get bored reading this.”
(4) “This letter does not have very clear structural development or division into paragraphs. The product descriptions and the invitation are mixed up together in one long paragraph. I think the writer should describe the products step by step and place the invitation and introduction in separate paragraphs.”
The above managers’ views indicate why this letter is rated the least successful. The first comment is related to the appropriate use of formal schemata regarding formulaic components, such as the use of headings and salutations. The second comment is mainly related to the appropriate use of world schemata about how to coordinate sales into an invitation. The third comment is related to how to introduce the product in a sales invitation to attract the reader’s interest. The fourth comment is related to the use of formal schemata concerning the division of paragraphs. Paragraph structuring seems to be an important feature of conveying ideas. These comments will be integrated into the following analysis.
6.2.1 Detailed analysis
First of all, the moves and steps are described below:
Move 1 Describing the product (lines 5-22) Step 1 Providing essential details of the product Step 2 Evaluating the product
Move 2 Inviting the reader (lines 22-23, line 28) Move 3 Introducing the exhibition (lines 24-26)
Move 4 Offering incentives for the exhibition (lines 26-27) Move 5 Providing registration details (line 29)
As shown above, this letter can be divided into the above two levels of moves and steps. Only Move 1 is composed of two steps. The other four moves can be seen as having one step only, and inviting is repeated in two places. A detailed account of this top-down relationship between moves, steps, and a further lower level of linguistic forms will be elaborated below.
(1) Move 1, describing the product, (lines 5-22) is composed of the following two steps: Step 1 Providing essential details of the product (lines 5-22)
Step 2 Evaluating the product (7-11)
The letter, without establishing any link between the product and the exhibition, suddenly begins with the following long descriptions within one single sentence:
XXX jiq ic h ä n g zh ü y äo sh en g ch ä XXX g u än g d iän shfi zidöng XXX machinery-company mainly produce XXX light-electricity type automatic d iäo k eji, jlq i jin g te sh ü de sh eji yi zui xin shi diänzl h u ilü carver machine by special GNE design with most new style electronic circuit diän n äo zh u än g z h l y iji te sh ü gängcäi jin g z h i e r ch en g , jm g d e q l computer install and special steel-material highly-make then finish endure chäng sh ijiä n de cäo zu ö , 24 xiäoshi b ü tm g de sh iy ö n g , göuzäo
long time GNE operate 24 hour continuous GNE use make
zui jiä n g ü , tlji zui xiäo (Ys220 xing), q u än zh ö n g jin 31 kg, yidong most solid volum most small (Ys220 model) overall-weight only 31 kg move fangbäi, b ü z h ä n köngjiän, zhlyäo yl x iäo zh u ö jiü ke fangzhl shiyöng. easy not-occupy space only-need one small-desk only can place use
XXX Machinery Factory mainly produces XXX automatic photoelectric carvers. The carvers are designed with the latest electronic circuits, and have computer installation. They are highly finished product made of a special kind of steel. They can endure long operation, as long as 24 hours without stopping. They are most solidly built, and the smallest in volume (Model Ys220), weighing only 31 Kg. They are very portable and occupy a space as small as a desk (lines 5-10).
First of all, the above sentence is very long, and has 102 characters. A lot of information has been conveyed, which involves a substantial section of both Step 1 and Step 2. With such lengthy descriptions, the beginning could fail to attract the reader’s attention. Secondly, the above example seems to emphasise advertising the product and is written in the register of a sales letter. For example, the start of the above sentence introduces the product in the following structure:
XXX Company zh ü y äo sh en g c h ä (mainly produces) XXX product
The above only gives some information about the producer and the product, which is one of the typical beginnings in sales letters as discussed in the last chapter. Then the letter
proceeds with the details of this product, such as ‘te sh ü de shejY (special design),
‘jin g z h i er c h e n g ’ (highly finished product). These lexical items are closely related to the features of the product.
The second step is scattered among the first step. For example, the following use of adjectives and superlative degree (underlined) can be seen as related to this step, ‘jm g d e q i ch än q sh ijiä n de c ä o z u ö ’ (endure long operation), ‘gouzäo zui jiä n q ü ’ (most solidly built), ‘fiji zui x iä o ’ (smallest in volume), and so on. These seem to be written in the appropriate forms, and some of these evaluations have even been supported by details about the product. Although some of the forms seem to be acceptable as used to describe the product, the writer fails to link the product description and the invitation. This weakness has also been noted in managers’ comment No. 2.
(2) Move 2, inviting the reader (lines 22-23, line 28), is repeated, and the two invitations are both placed towards the end of the letters. The first inviting is placed after the lengthy description of the product and is written in the follow form:
jin g q m g gew ei q iän läi cän g u än , m iän tän . respect-invite everyone come visit talk
You are respectfully invited to come and talk business (lines 22-23).
The second invitation is placed after the introduction to the exhibition and is:
h u än y in g gui göngsl q iän läi c än jiä, jiä o liü . welcome your (H) company come participate, exchange
Your company is welcome to participate and exchange (information) (line 28).
The linguistic forms of ‘jin g q ln g ’ (respectfully invite) in the first inviting and ‘h u ä n y in g ’ (welcome) in the second inviting are frequently used forms found in the corpus.
The above linguistic forms seem to be appropriate for inviting. However, there is some confusion created by the two instances of inviting. The writer seems to invite the reader to attend two different activities: to visit the agency, and to attend the exhibition, because the writer fails to indicate clearly what the major activity is that the reader is invited to.
(3) Move 3, introducing the exhibition (lines 24-26) is placed after the first inviting, and seems to be written in the usual form of introducing an exhibition by informing the reader about the name, time and place of the exhibition. However, in this move, the most important part — the name of the exhibition, is written in brackets (line 24), which may indicate that the writer does not consider the exhibition as important. This can also be another piece of evidence to show that the writer pays more attention to advertising the product than to inviting the reader to the exhibition.
(4) Move 4, offering incentives for the exhibition (lines 26-27), is placed after the introduction to the exhibition, and is expressed in the following forms:
jie s h i, täiw än göngsl jiä n p äiy u än q in lin n än jin g d äib än ch ü , then Taiwan company will send-people come-in-person Nanjing agency x iä n ch ä n g yänsfri yü zixün.
on-site demonstrate and consult
At that time, the Taiwan Company will send representatives to the exhibition, offering on-site demonstrations and consultations (lines 26-27).
In the above example, ‘jie s h i’ (then) is the formal and appropriate form to be used in sales invitations and other types of ‘gongwen’ (official letters). The incentives are offered as ‘x iän ch än g y ä n sh i yü z ix ü n ’ (on-site demonstrations and consultations). If the reader is interested in the exhibited product, the above will be very good incentives to push the reader to make a quick decision.
(5) Move 4, registration details (line 29), only includes a telephone number. This is the only example of this type in the corpus. The writer should ideally have provided more information about how to attend the exhibition.
Generally speaking, ‘confusion’ at all levels of the text, above all, confusion of communicative purposes, is the major characteristic of this letter as discussed in managers’ comment No. 4. The letter fails to express clearly the main purpose of inviting the reader, and focuses too much on ‘sales’. From the analysis, it can be seen that clarity is a very important criterion forjudging a letter. This letter fails to express the communicative purposes clearly because too many non-essential details about the products have been described and these hinder the development of the important idea of inviting the reader. This could be an instance of using world schemata in an inappropriate way to decide about what content can be included. The letter is also very badly structured. The writer places the introduction to the exhibition and inviting the reader towards the end, which is not a clear