Based on the stories of these women, 12 of the 20 women stated that they
preferred indirect support. ‘Direct’ support refers to a more Western perspective adopted
by marriage family therapists (MFTs), in which direct intervention treatment and
approaches for discussing a client’s problems and listening to their stories is preferred. In
contrast, ‘Indirect’ approaches involve a more Eastern perspective of support which may
not involve the problems directly. Examples of an indirect approach include spending
time with individuals, not discussing divorce or providing advice, allowing the separated
or divorced woman to be in control of the topics and the pace of the discussion, and in
general, validating the woman’s presence. Throughout, security and safety are
paramount. The other person does not discuss the woman herself or her divorce, but may
tiptoe around these topics. The indirect approach is especially beneficial in instances of
infidelity and domestic violence, when often direct discussion of these events would lead
to emotional wounds being reopened.
For Korean-American women, the lengthy adjustment process is partly due to
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first-generation Korean Americans deal with emotional struggles internally and share
problems only with family members. Keeping family secrets is a practice inherited from
generation to generation. Part of the influence of Confucianism in modern Korean
American culture is that sharing family problems with others is still at times
inappropriate (Kim, 2006).
The women’s stories in this section indicate that they find indirect approaches of
support beneficial. Their stories give details as to how exactly the indirect approach
supports them. Miriam: 저는 사람들이 저에게 동정을 보여주는 것이 싫어요. 나이드신 권사님께서 저를 보시면서 우시면서 똑똑한 여자 재주가 많지만 팔짜가 세다고 하셨어요. 사람들의 동정과 그런 말들을 듣는게 싫었어요. 그러나 다른 한경우는 제 친구같은 경우에요. 제친구는 제게 아무말을 하지 않고 저와 함께 교회에서 기도를 밤낮으로 했어요. 새벽기도, 철야기도를 했어요. 저는 그친구가 저와 함께 있는 시간들이 좋았어요. 말로서 도와주는게 아니라 함께 있어주는 것이요. 간접적으로 도와주는것이 좋았어요.
Miriam: I did not like it when some women expressed their sympathy towards me. One older lady even told me that, usually a woman with talent, including intelligence, has a ‘tough destiny.’ It felt bad to listen to people’s sympathy or such comments. However, it was very helpful for me when my friend was there with me and did not say anything to me. She was being there like a mother and we pray together in the church
sanctuary during the night and the early in the morning. I like her presence.
Miriam’s words illustrate how divorce can be effectively healed through
indirect means. Emily also demonstrates how the indirect approach provides
benefits during the healing process. In the following excerpt, Emily states that her
spirituality led her through the healing process. This is a form of indirect support,
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Emily: The only thing that I felt was helpful was my relationship with God. I prayed to God. I read Bible and prayed. I did not share my marriage struggles and conflicts with any of my family or friends. When I received confirmation from God that it was okay to leave my husband, I felt relieved. I received reassurance from Him.
Emily’s main coping mechanism was spirituality. Instead of getting direct counseling from other people, her choice of healing was to pray and talk to God. The
indirect method of support was more effective for many of these women. These
participants preferred to have direct communication with God. Such practices reflect a
more Asian style of internal meditation for gaining insight into one’s problems. Asian
cultural practices tend to avoid sharing vulnerability in social contexts, and prefer to express vulnerability internally through shared moments with God. The women’s stories below show that dedicated prayer time in a prayer center was the primary coping
mechanism in the recovery process.
As time progressed, the participants saw the benefits of direct support, such as the
kinds of support one might find in a divorce care group, and shared their own
vulnerability within those groups. A Marriage Family Therapist (MFT) role is to be
sensitive to cultural differences and to provide indirect, yet gradual direct counseling to
these women. These approaches are significant to these women, and they fill gaps
between spirituality, current research, and clinical MFT treatment intervention.
The next sets of quotations touch on benefits of direct counseling and group
support.
Kathy: 학교에서 선배로부터 도움을 받았어요. 그녀는 이혼을 경험을 하고 재혼을 했는데 당당하고 성공한 선배였어요. 그녀가 미국에서는 이혼이 한국과 같이 심각하게 생각하지 않는다고
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하였어요. 나에게 그녀의 도움과 상담이 제게 참 많은 도움을 주었어요. 저는 다시 자신감을 회복을 했고 다시 데이트를 하게 되었고 저의 두번째 커리어를 시작하게 되었어요.
Kathy: I got support from a classmate at school. She is divorced, and has remarried. She said that divorce here is not viewed as seriously as it is in Korea. She told me to live with confidence. She seemed to be successful, and had confidence about who she is. Her support and direct advice changed my views about divorce. Since then, I have regained my confidence. I started dating a man, and focused on my second career.
Mille: 디보스그룹웍샵을 저는 세번 반복해서 들었어요. 그룹에서 저의 어려움을 놔눌수 있었고 그들이 저를 이해해주었어요. Mille: I liked indirect support from other people prior to attending a divorce care group. I started attending a divorce care group, and I liked group’s support. I attended a divorce care group three times. I shared my pain with other divorced women there. They understood what I was going through.
Judith: 제 어려움을 제 룸메이트와 상의를 했어요. 그사람도 이혼을 했어요. 그녀는 저를 편견으로 대해주지 않았고 저를 저 나름대로 받아주셨어요. 일터나 다른 곳에서는 항상 무엇을 입고 있었어요. 또 그룹에서 제가 입은 메스크를 벗 을 수있었어요.
Judith: At work or other places, I did not share my divorce or marriage problems with others. Yet, there was an exception. I shared my difficulties with one of my roommates, who is also divorced. She understood and showed no judgment. In the beginning, I wore “masks” while I was at work and elsewhere. But whenever I went to the divorced women’s group, I took off these masks. I shared my problems and liked their feedback. They understood my situation and accepted me.
Sandra:내놓는사람은회복이되요. 나는상처없다하는사람은회복이안되지요. 그래서상처가안된사람은내놓치않아요. 이야기를하면서회복을해야하는데, 내가사람들에게이야기를하는것도회복이되는데,
내가내안의상처를회복해야합니다.저도교제를하면서회복이된다고생각이 됩니다.
Sandra: I began to share with others as we connected over the course of a divorce care group. If you share your pain, then you can heal. If one denies one’s wounds or injuries, then it will be difficult for one to heal. People who do not share their vulnerabilities cannot heal themselves. The healing process happens when we share with others.
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Kathy, Mille, Judith, and Mini reported the benefits of a graduating to a
more direct approach within the single women’s group and divorced friends.
Sandra, who is also a leader of a single-women’s group, believes that a gradual
transition from the indirect approach to the direct approach is helpful for these
women’s healing and recovery processes. Such a mixed approach balances different cultural approaches. In particular, multicultural feminism and Western
approaches emphasize the importance of voicing women’s needs and valuing their
concerns. From the view of Western feminism, the indirect approach does not
promote feminist goals. Yet, from the Korean-American perspective, indirect
approaches can be very compatible with strengthening a woman’s self-identity.
We need to better understand and bridge the gap between Korean-American
feminism and other multicultural feminism.