for acceptance.
The individual who has been in a state of mental and emotional resistance to the issues is now beginning to surrender to the reality that he is in a weak position. We don’t normally see this behavior occur during the discussion of something general or trivial in nature.
The conversation between these two people has been on a very per-sonal level. In criminal interrogations, I see this occur frequently right before the subject confesses. It appears that part of the reason that the head and eye turned skyward is also a physical attempt to keep tears from starting to flow. When I see a cluster like this dur-ing an investigative interview, it’s time for me to stop talkdur-ing and to start doing some listening. As one of the two parties who has been involved in what has probably been a very intense, in-depth conver-sation with this friend or family member, it’s time for you to do the same. Give this person the opportunity to express his thoughts and you may find that the conflict that had been going on between you has changed course. Be patient with this person and give him time to work out his feelings and thoughts with you.
If you see the blink rate slow significantly, the person is now involved in an extensive internal dialogue or is currently lost in his thoughts. The chance that he is paying strict attention to whatever is being said to him is highly unlikely. The person has focused on one specific part of your comments and is mulling over that point, or he is completely distracted with his thoughts. On the other hand, you may see the person start to blink rather slowly, and if you pay close attention you will notice that the blinking will appear to match the pace of your voice. For example, when you pause in your speech, you may see him blink. When you finish a sentence or comment, you may see him blink. He is now tuned into you and paying close attention to your comments. It’s almost as if his mental computer has now syn-chronized itself with yours; his computer is absorbing the bits and pieces of data, and he is carefully evaluating the data.
Congratulations! Your friend, co-worker, son, or daughter is now pay-ing attention to what you’re saypay-ing. The person dopay-ing this is in a
form of acceptance, which is a positive response, and he is likely to be agreeing with you, or at least agreeing with most of what you’re saying.
Dropping the shoulders and rolling the shoulders forward con-veys a primary meaning and is exhibited in periods of significant depression, denial, anger, or bargaining. Importantly, the rolling shoulders may be taken as a sign that the stage of acceptance has been reached. For example, you and I may have been engaged in a very intense conversation with each of us expressing strong points of view. We have both been defending our position on the issue with great exuberance, each believing the other is wrong or even with-holding information. Should you notice that I exhibit the shoulders collapsing and rolling forward, you can conclude that I may have reached the point where I am ready to surrender to your point of view. In criminal interrogations, this type of posture suggests that the person may very well be on the verge of confessing or at least cooperating with the interviewer. Once again, remember that no sin-gle action by itself proves anything. Look for other verbal and non-verbal signals that can confirm your diagnosis. Also remember that one signal does not mean the same thing for every person, nor will it be used by every person. You are going to have to establish the base-line or constant for each individual and look for changes from that constant of behavior.
Here is an example showing how a combination of verbal and nonverbal signals can indicate acceptance. I believe that the car salesperson has not been truthful about the history of the used car he sold to me. After I had the car for a couple of weeks, I noticed that when it rains, the windshield leaks. Attempts to repair the leak haven’t worked. I finally learn that the car had been damaged in shipment and poorly repaired. I confront the salesperson with my complaint. Throughout our conversation, the salesperson denies ever knowing that anything was wrong with the car; however, he had told me previously that he personally inspects every car and even had
said, “I won’t put you in any car that I wouldn’t sell to my own mother. I would never deliberately sell a damaged car.” When it appears as though our long discussion will end in stalemate, I pro-vide him with an out by suggesting that the
windshield leak could have been an oversight and that a good businessperson like him
would certainly take care of any such problems if he could. He leans forward in the chair, opens his arms, extends them forward with his palms turned upward, and says, “I’m sure we didn’t see any damage on that car, but we might be willing to take care of it for you. You’re going to get the windshield fully repaired.” Notice that the third-person statement is paired with a dropping of the shoulders.
The next four response states are the states you may have to move through before you get to acceptance. Keep in mind that when you are observing these response states, you are not necessarily star-ing in the face of deception. You are merely uncoverstar-ing the fact that there is stress for the other person in either the topic you are dis-cussing or in the way the conversation is going. You will want to be very careful not to exacerbate the stress and to handle the conver-sation in a way that will get the other person to acceptance and the two of you to an open and honest place from which to communicate.
Bargaining
Bargaining behavior is an attempt to disguise reality and is more or less a soft form of deception. We have taken a look at the reflection of the image of our actions or ourselves and have found that reflec-tion to be unpleasant or one that, if seen by others, would be a hin-drance in the furthering of our personal goals and objectives. After viewing this image, we may decide it is time for a makeover, and so we attempt to disguise the image and behaviors and put ourselves or our behavior in a better light. We attempt to find ways to have the other person draw personal parallels between himself and us. This