List one or more of your safety behaviors (if any) for each of your top three feared social situations, along with any costs of using the behaviors.
Situation 1: Speaking up at work meetings; I get by with saying as little as possible. As a result, my team misses out on my expertise and I feel like I’m letting them down.
Situation 2: Presentations at work; I spend weeks preparing for (and perfecting) even short presentations. It takes precious time away from my family.
Situation 3: Speeches at family events; I try to avoid them, but if it isn’t possible, I keep them ultra short. I’m not setting a very good example for my nieces and nephews.
Now, it’s your turn.
Exercise 2.2 What Are You Giving Up for Safety?
List one or more of your safety behaviors (if any) for each of your top three feared social situations, along with any costs of using the behaviors.
Situation 1:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
Situation 2:
Taken together, your responses to the previous two exercises may reflect a costly toll: the toll that pursuing safety is taking on your life.
Next, we move on to explore the remaining three components of safety mode: paying attention to social danger, resisting anxious feelings, and fusing with anxious thoughts. We will describe them individually, and show you how they interact as a “team” and feed into your safety behaviors. As we introduce you to the first team member, imagine that you are entering one of your top three feared social situations.
Paying Attention to Social Danger
As you picture yourself in your feared situation, what aspects of yourself are you paying attention to? It is likely that you are paying particular notice to signs that social danger may be lurking in the situation, that you are at risk of embarrassing yourself or making a bad impression. Your attention may be drawn to visible signs of your anxiety (for example, blushing, sweating, trembling), to what you’re saying (for example, something boring), or to what you’re doing (for example, moving awkwardly, spilling a drink). Now, if you are focused on some aspect or aspects of yourself (as you continue to imagine your feared situation), is your anxiety getting weaker or stronger? Most of our clients report that the more they focus on themselves, the more their anxious feelings intensify.
As you continue to imagine your feared situation, you may also notice that you are on “high alert”
for other signs of social danger, for signs that people are scrutinizing you or disapproving of you. For example, your focus may be drawn to the person who seems to be staring at you as you walk down the street; your attention may be hijacked by the yawns of audience members as you give your speech; or you may be quick to notice your neighbor frowning as you chat with her. Now, imagine that you do notice a frown (or other sign of potential danger in another person). Are you getting more anxious, looking away, or making a plan of escape? For the most part, focusing on social danger (in yourself and others) will tend to intensify your anxiety and feed into safety behaviors.
Resisting Anxious Feelings
Now, let’s examine how you are relating to your anxious feelings in your imagined social situation. By anxious feelings we mean the feeling (emotion) of fear and the physical sensations that go along with it, such as palpitations and muscle tension. Although we are focusing on anxious feelings, you may also notice other emotions such as anger and sadness. Are you okay with your
anxious feelings, or are you resisting them? Are you willing to fully experience your racing heart or other bodily sensations, or are you pushing them away, trying to control them? In all likelihood, like most people who are shy and socially anxious, you are struggling with your anxious and other feelings. And your mind isn’t helping matters, as you will see next.
Fusing with Anxious Thoughts
As you continue to imagine your feared situation, notice what your mind is doing. Is it jumping in with commentary (such as You’re sweating too much, You’re going to mess up, He thinks you’re stupid) and suggestions (such as Don’t say anything, Keep smiling, Cover your face ). How are you relating to your anxious thoughts? Are you fused with them? In other words, are you getting caught up in your thoughts, buying into them, and doing what they tell you to do? Fusing with anxious thoughts is a very common activity of the socially anxious mind (much more on this in chapter 6).
Now, let’s look a bit more at how your “team members” interact and feed into your safety behaviors, using examples from Emily and Jack. (Members of the “team” are indicated in brackets, as well as the costs of keeping safe.)
“Team” Interaction
Emily’s attention zooms in on her shaky voice the moment she utters a word during conversations [paying attention to social danger]; she realizes it’s “just nerves” but doesn’t find this
acceptable [resisting anxious feelings]; her mind jumps in (You sound nervous; they think you’re weird), and she buys into what it’s telling her [fusing with anxious thoughts]; she tries to steady her voice and hide it by speaking softly and slowly [using safety behaviors]; at times, she gets so wrapped up in struggling with her shaky voice that she loses track of conversations and feels even more embarrassed [costs of keeping safe].
Jack’s attention is captured by his loudly thumping heart whenever he considers speaking up in meetings [paying attention to social danger]; the more he focuses on his heart, the faster it beats;
he is not open to feeling this way [resisting anxious feelings]; his mind soon chimes in (You’re going to pass out and look like a fool; better to not say anything); he buys into what it’s saying [fusing with anxious thoughts] and chooses to stay quiet [using safety behaviors]; he always regrets not contributing to the discussion [cost of keeping safe].
On the few occasions that Jack has been brave enough to give a presentation at work, he
always seems to notice the yawns of his coworkers whenever he glances up from his notes [paying attention to social danger]. His judging mind is right there to interpret (You’re boring them) and tell him what to do (Keep your eyes on your notes; talk faster); he takes these words very
seriously [fusing with anxious thoughts] and hurries to finish his presentation [using safety behaviors]. Sometimes he talks so fast that he leaves out important points [cost of keeping safe].
Recently, a coworker pointed out to Jack that he had been so focused on reading his notes [using safety behaviors] that he had missed a “thumbs up” and nod of encouragement from the boss [cost of keeping safe].
From Emily’s and Jack’s examples, you can see how focusing on danger, struggling with anxious
feelings, and fusing with anxious thoughts all work together to feed your safety behaviors. Given the costs of keeping safe, this is not a team you want “helping” you!
If you felt somewhat disheartened by reading about safety mode, we are pleased to end this chapter with some good news, that there is a better, alternative mode of action on your social-anxiety playing field: vital-action mode.