Whether it is an accidental touch in a crowded train, shaking hands, or giving a “simple” touch of appreciation, touch has a reciprocal influence on the person who initiates the touch as well as the persons who receives it. This specific double-sided characteristic makes it active and passive at the same time. By touching, we are letting ourselves be touched by what or whom we touch.
A touch can at times supersede spoken words. When used appropriately, it can create a more direct message than dozens of words. It can add ex-tended meaning to spoken communication and ensure continued atten-tion. But used inappropriately, it can build barriers and cause mistrust.
We experience the worst violation to our person when we are touched in-appropriately or with violence, because touch always brings us into close—and potentially unpleasant, hurtful, and dangerous—encounters.
Individuals who have had bad experiences of being touched in an inap-propriate manner may react to touch with distressing feelings and emo-tions such as anxiety, fear, or nausea. A touch may trigger old memories which are not related to the intention or style of the current toucher.
To touch and to be touched is essential to our physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being . . .
Touch is a primal need that we never outgrow, yet somehow we don’t touch each other often enough.
We live in a culture where there is great fear of the body, the fear of being interested in another person’s body, of being sexual and sensuous. The consequence of this neurotic fear of the sexual is that we sexualize almost all forms of physical contact. So often, the desire for physical closeness gets misinterpreted as a desire for sex. Even an innocent handshake, if too prolonged, can be misread as having sexual connotations. Since people aren’t accustomed to physical contact, even hugging feels awkward, with people sticking their butts out so as not to touch crotches. This awkward-ness has resulted in an exclusion of touch in many of our interpersonal ex-changes, even to the point where we now consider touch to be of minor importance.
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Many of us suffer from mild forms of “touch” deprivation. As children we were not provided with the physical contact that makes children more se-cure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own. “Touch” deprivation in our early years may also be affecting our ability to cope with stress, especially traumatic stress, causing us to be nervous and anxious.
Touching is not optional, it is mandatory . . .
Touch is important to our well-being because it helps us live at our high-est level of fulfillment. Touching and being touched can reassure us, relax us, heal us, comfort us, persuade us, and inflame us. Various studies have shown that people who have been stroked with a loving touch as children have tremendously better outcomes in life, are emotionally healthier, and well-adjusted. As adults they retain this need for body contact. They tend to stand or sit very close to others in such a way that physical contact is always possible. Arms are continually reaching out to make physical con-tact, to touch, to hold, to encircle, to caress, or to press against men, women, and children alike. They enjoy touching someone else’s body as well as touching their own bodies - such touch may or may not be of a sexual nature. These people score higher on the interpersonal scale, are better at understanding the needs of others, and are more trusting of other people’s motives and intentions. They are less anxious than most touch-deprived individuals, have less stress in their everyday lives and less ten-sion in their relationships. They also show more satisfaction with their bodies and physical appearance.
Touch significantly enhances our sense of being seen, heard, under-stood, and acknowledged . . .
Rather than something detached and separate, touch forms the permeable border between the physical body and its energy fields. This means that it is not just a physical event of flesh meeting flesh but also, and primarily, a transfer of subtle energies and sensitivities between bodies. When we di-rectly touch someone’s physical body we are in turn indidi-rectly penetrating beneath the skin and touching the energy aspect of the person with our presence, tone of voice, mood, appearance, body language, smell, and
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even our intent. These are all things that register in the other person’s sense of us. Through touch we let our senses discover what can only be found between truly destined souls.
Touch is, umm, touchy . . .
Touching is a highly personal experience. Not all individuals will neces-sarily respond to touch in the same way, even when it appears to be ap-propriate and supportive. Communication by touch is just as likely to be misinterpreted as spoken language. The intention and motivation of the person touching may not necessarily be similar or even identical with the message received by the person touched.
We, often independently of the intentions of the person initiating the touch, construct a meaning to touch and respond based on the symbolic meaning we individually assign to the touch. The meanings we assign to being touched determine whether a touch will increase the sense of con-nection and trust or not. For example, a simple hug may be experienced as supportive, warm, encouraging, affirming, and calming by one person and as overwhelming, disrespectful, intrusive, or sexual harassment by another person.
For some individuals, touching is a very integral form of non-verbal communication and a vital part of experiencing something or someone.
Every time I go to a museum or art gallery, a curator comes over to tell me
“not to touch” objects. It makes me feel silly and stupid because I seem to have enjoyed the object in a way that I was not supposed to. And you’d think that one or two “don’t touch” reprimands would freak the “touch and see” impulse out of me, but no, it’s so part of me that most of the time I do it subconsciously. I do not feel that I’ve really “seen” an object or per-son unless I’ve touched it or them. I often hug strangers, after asking them if it’s okay of course—which seems really weird in a culture where hug-ging strangers is not something everyone does—but it always ends up an incredibly positive experience. Most people love it.
Touch is to an extent, culture-dependent . . .
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The meaning we individually assign to a touch is only one challenge in the ambiguous subjectivity of touch. In some cultures, touching is a com-mon, accepted, and expected behaviour in social interactions and the ex-pression of emotion. Some cultures—like the one I was raised in—hold the belief that like-minded people will hold hands, sit and walk with their arms round each other’s shoulders, and continue physical contact throughout an encounter or conversation. The more people touch each other, the more like-minded they are presumed to be. In other cultures, touch is tolerated but not something sought out. Forms of touch are mainly procedural, task related, controlled, and ritualized. If you’re going to go beyond a handshake or want to hug someone, you must first ask permission. Being referred to as “touchy” is seen as a reference to some kind of emotional weakness and people do not want to be around a
“touchy” person.
The rules in regards to when, with whom, which part of the body to touch, the duration of the touch, the amount of pressure to apply, and in what manner it’s okay to touch, are tacitly understood in each culture, with the interpretation of meaning dependant on what each culture con-siders polite. Across cultures, the boundaries may be completely different, and touching may result in misinterpretations of what is intended by the touch. Touching in the “wrong place” when one does not understand the touching behaviour of a particular culture can quickly undermine a rela-tionship, and even cause irritation. Many of the interracial couples I work with and many of the emails on interracial dating and relationships I re-ceive include a reference to touching. They range from white males asking why they can’t touch their black fiancée’s hair—“I am not allowed to touch or smell her hair. Not even look at it”; to black men complaining about their white girlfriends patting them on the head—“I don’t care how far we’ve come, it’s just too loaded.” Many other requests for advice mostly concern intimate touching—how much to touch, where to touch, what it means when one is touched a certain way, public displays of affec-tion, etc.
The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching has made many men and women so scared of touching . . .
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Many of us keep our hands to ourselves. Usually we don’t want to give the wrong impression, or to open ourselves to pain, or rejection. Some of us are aware of our own behaviours and reactions which oscillate between embarrassment and desire, the wish for closeness and the wish for dis-tance, a majority are not. A majority of us rarely even think about touch-ing someone else, let alone touchtouch-ing our own bodies. The more authoritarian, fanatically-religious, and rigid a person is, the more uncom-fortable and suspicious he or she is with even brief physical contact with another person. In any encounter, touch-aversive people tend to keep at a distance in order to avoid any unintentional, involuntary, chance, or un-expected touching. Their sex lives, in general, are unsatisfactory. And when they try to use touch to increase intimacy, they either start by being way too intimate or go overboard so much that they come across as
“creeps” if they’re men or “easy” if they are women.
It is important to develop the habit of sharing physical contact as an end in itself . . .
Both men and women have difficulty conceptualizing touch as something that nourishes human-to-human contact without it being erotic. Generally, any kind of touch is often seen as the first step on the slippery slope to-wards sexual intercourse. So men and women who are not specifically in-terested in sexual contact or sexual intercourse at the time or with that person, tend to avoid touching to minimize the risk of having their inten-tions misunderstood.
Flowing directly from this fear of being misunderstood, and as part of a risk management strategy, both genders tend to rigidly focus on and ad-here to spoken word, verbally communicating their feelings and sensa-tions by manipulating words where touch or some other non-verbal (more primitive) forms of communication, would have been more effective in creating intimacy. Many times, they don’t recognize when someone is try-ing to connect ustry-ing other forms of communication and are not aware when they are ignoring or blocking another person’s attempt to connect with them.
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The other side of lack of experience in healthy body contact is the pleas-ure-seeking and self-indulgent attitudes rampant in our society. If some-thing like touch is pleasurable, then the person becomes completely
“attached” to it, depends on it for his or her happiness—seeks it, gorges on it, and even becomes addicted to it. Many of us just can’t enjoy touch as an end to itself, it is almost a given that if the touching experience is pleasurable, we must have sexual intercourse.
The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching is not helped by our lack of understanding of what the other wants and the meanings that people assign to different kinds of touching behaviour. Unaware of what is expected and what is intended, we sneak around each other for hours and hours hoping for “something” to happen. Often times nothing hap-pens because the agenda is unclear.
The way someone touches can tell us a lot about them . . .
When working with couples planning to get married, I always watch to see how many times, where, and how they touch each other. Over the years, I’ve found out that struggling couples merely talk, while thriving couples touch. Without regular touching, it is not a matter of if, but when, all physical intimacy peters out altogether. It is inevitable.
Touching not only sends a message to our minds and bodies that some-thing or someone is in close physical proximity, it also gives us a good
“sense” of how close the person wants to be and their willingness to share themselves at a level that is appropriate to the relationship. Our physical presence, including our tone of voice, mood, body language, smell, and even our intent, all register in the other person’s sense of us. This is probably why touching or allowing touch creates a state of trust and re-ceptivity. The other person’s willingness to share him or herself provides valuable information for assessing and predicting the outcome of the en-counter. Take for example the handshake which is the most common form of touch. A man or woman uneasy with physical intimacy will use an ex-aggerated up-and-down motion, someone who is keen to avoid it all to-gether will use a fingertip shake where hands don’t actually interlock or will offer a wimpy handshake.
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To someone not familiar with the sense of touch, the information about the person revealed by his or her handshake may go unnoticed until later in the relationship. This is also true for hugging. A simple hug can unwit-tingly let on more about an individual than the person hugging intends to.
For example, a warm and friendly hug with the head resting on the other’s neck can say, “I’d like to get close to you” or “I love you.” The same hug delivered with clinging haste, can communicate neediness—
“Please like me” or “Can you love me?”; and when great pressure is ap-plied, it can reveal a tendency to be controlling—“Love me, want me, now.” An upper body lean expresses a desire to keep the connection cas-ual at best or “Keep away from me” at worst. A full body embrace on the other hand, may speak of a desire for a deeper or more intimate relation-ship, perhaps even a commitment.
Different touches have different meanings . . .
The difference between touching that is acceptable and touching that is unacceptable is the effect it has on the person touched, not the toucher’s intention. Touching another on the notion that we all crave touch and so one may do what one wishes with another’s body without permission is a very insidious thing to do. If you’re the recipient of undesired touching it’s best to speak up in no uncertain terms when someone’s touch makes you uncomfortable.
Accidental touching
This touch is likely to be unpremeditated. Though completely uninten-tional, accidental touching on any neutral body part is important. If the other person pulls away, tenses up, shows no reaction, whether physical or emotional, or reluctantly smiles, it may be an indication that they don’t want physical contact, are not interested in you, or simply don’t appreci-ate being touched like that. If on the other hand the person responds posi-tively with a smile, gentle shoulder shrug, sideward head tilt or returns the touch, it is a signal he or she doesn’t mind getting acquainted, and or experiencing further touching depending on the type of relationship.
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Ritualistic touching
This kind of touching does not necessarily have a personal meaning, but instead is used to reflect cordiality and to regulate interpersonal interac-tions between acquaintances, business associates, as well as strangers.
Such forms of touch include handshakes, handclasps, and contractual handfasts.
There are many others ways of ritual touching that do not make you ap-pear to be coming on too strong, especially if you are not entirely sure about the other person’s feelings towards you or if you are still “testing the waters”. These include such touching as simply touching an arm to make a point or point out something, touching to guide someone to a ta-ble, sharing a victorious moment such as winning a game or finishing a project.
In a romantic setting, there will be opportunities to connect, to feel the other’s touch without a need for commitment, to see if the sparks will fly.
Ask him or her to give you “hi-five” by holding your palm up facing out.
With such a friendly and risk-free move, he or she will mostly oblige. If you take time to savour the experience, your intuition will speak to you—
whether there are sparks or not!
Task-related touching . . .
Task-related touching happens in a specific manner. The meaning of the touch is inherent to the action itself. Examples of task-related touches are a doctor examining a patient, a barber cutting a client’s hair, a masseur giv-ing a professional massage. This kind of touchgiv-ing is “touchy” because of the potential of violating professional/client boundaries. A doctor, barber, or masseur can intentionally or unintentionally cross the professional
“precincts” in some subtle way. The experience can be embarrassing, shocking, frightening, or traumatizing for either party. It is advisable to define and observe clear boundaries in a professional setting. Rumours of sexual inappropriateness in such contexts travel quickly and have more staying power than any other kind of rumour.
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In a romantic setting, task-related touching may include brushing dust from someone’s coat, adjusting a tie or clothing, giving a hair cut, offering a foot or scalp massage. The list is endless.
Nurturing or supportive touching . . .
The nurturing touch is a deliberate way of communicating safety, reassur-ance, and empathy. The opposite of a nurturing touch is a coercive or
“controlling” touch mainly used to obtain compliance and to communi-cate one’s dominance or status.
In a romantic setting, the opportunity to nurture another through touch can arise when the other person is about to do something that may require your support, approval, or admiration. For example, alighting from a ve-hicle or flight of stairs, leaping across a puddle of water, manoeuvring though movie theatre seats with popcorn and drinks in hand. Hold out your hand with the palms up and fingers slightly cupped. As your hands touch, cup your hands onto his or her palms as if securing yourself on him or her. Just be conscious not to grip too hard. If he or she is concentrating
In a romantic setting, the opportunity to nurture another through touch can arise when the other person is about to do something that may require your support, approval, or admiration. For example, alighting from a ve-hicle or flight of stairs, leaping across a puddle of water, manoeuvring though movie theatre seats with popcorn and drinks in hand. Hold out your hand with the palms up and fingers slightly cupped. As your hands touch, cup your hands onto his or her palms as if securing yourself on him or her. Just be conscious not to grip too hard. If he or she is concentrating