illness, a miscarriage,'^ at four oclock last Sunday morning, & o f five months date, says DI Cook,
or nearly so . . . all the pain o f it for just nothing, except this purchase o f experience. Everything, 1 did wrong, .. & he attributes the result to the heat within & w ith o u t.. sitting on the rug to bake m y self if I felt the least uneasy . . . taking hot coffee to boil m y se lf at other tim es .. choosing the worst positions possible, out o f an instinct o f contrariety . . . yes, and until the event, believing like a child or idiot that I had just “caught cold,” & nothing else was the m atter- Pray laugh at m e - A s for me, I could cry, out o f the sheerest rem orse- And dont think that ever I deceived you about my state, calling m y self w ell when I w as’nt— no, indeed- Until about six w eeks or seven weeks ago I was perfectly w ell in all respects .. & then, for a w eek or two or three, became subject to sudden violent pains which came on in the night, relieved by friction & a few spoonfuls o f brandy, & going o ff as suddenly as they came. W ilson told m e at last that she su sp ected my
condition, & that if it were so, the pains were “not right” & signified the possibility o f miscarriage;
& she had great fears about the influence o f the morphine &c. Robert o f course made a fuss
besides & entreated me to call in Dl Cook 1 was frightened out o f my w its by the suggestion
about the morphine, & out o f my w it by the entreaty about D! Cook . .. & being wrought upon on
all sides, I pacified Robert & my own apprehensions by agreeing to appeal to M! Jago .. just to
ask him whether in such a case the morphine w^ produce such another case. M y letter was no
sooner out o f the house however than I repented sending it- You know it would seem so ridiculous,
merely to im agine a case— & I had at best doubts! Oh, o f course, I did doubt— I have always had
such good general health that som e symptoms made me doubt- But then, I thought, if when Wilson was ill, I unconsciously caught cold by going out into the passage, I might be affected so & so & so. A s to W ilson, I fancied her determined to make a certain set o f deductions from any
sort o f prem ises- I f my finger ached, she w^ say ''This means th a f \ So I would not be convinced
by her .. & when m y poor dearest Robert besought me about D! Cook, I put him o f f with ever so many impertinent speeches, yes, & obstinate ones— meâ culpâ^ .. I repent in dust & ashes. In fact, by the time the event took place I was perfectly convinced, would have died for it at the stake, that I had just caught cold! M ost stupid, stupid!-
The night pains quite went away, & I had only one return after writing to N e lly Bordman. But last Friday I felt unwell & submitted to see D! Cook. He came .. declares that he found the room at seventy, a scandalous fire, a wrong posture, & my pulse very irritable— laid me down on the sofa— commanded cold tea .. & promised to com e again on Sunday. Though his opinion
went with the majority, the minority o f one remained obstinate .. mark that. Still I did what I was told, & on Saturday morning felt rather better. Towards evening however regular pains came on, every five minutes .. & these lasted for above four & twenty hours, much as in an ordinary confinem ent- Oh, not so very violent! I have had worse pain, I assure y o u - It did not continue long enough at once to exhaust one! and when my eyes were open to the truth, I was as little frightened or agitated as at this moment, & bore it all so w ell (I mean with so much bodily vigour) as to surprise W ilson .. & D[ Cook, too indeed-
< . . . /
Robert was rather worse than I, I think, on Sunday evening, when w e had our tea together, W ilson shaking her head behind the curtain. In the first moment o f his readmission into this room he threw h im self down on the bed in a passion o f tears, sobbing like a child, .. he w ho has not the eyes o f a ready-weeper. He had better have scolded me w ell, I say, for bringing all this agitation on him — for Dr Cook pronounces that if he had been called in six w eeks ago, everything would have gone as right as possible . .. he had only to lay me on the sofa for two months & to apply leeches to the back, keeping the temperature c o o l .. & he is said to be an experienced accoucheur. Well! A w ilful woman who has her way, must have her punishment— or rather, let it be God’s w ill, if my wilfulness. As Robert says .. “we are rebellious children, & He leads us where He can best teach us”. In the meanwhile I am getting strength fast, & everything o f this sort. Dr Cook
tells me, is excellent for my c h e s t . . . Indeed I have wondered lately where my chest had gone to,
it seemed so entirely clear & right . . . & it puzzled me rather to think how after all I could catch cold, & feel w ell in the chest. Dr Cook is o f opinion that I am likely to be wonderfully benefitted by what has happened- So, remember that you are to be glad upon the w hole, however you may
condole with me on my stupidity- For three days I kept q u ie t,.. & was up for an hour on the sofa
on the fourth, & on the fifth, for two hours- Today this sixth day, I am to go to the sofa in the next room— & by the time you get this letter, the convalescence, should it please God, will be complete. Dr Cook does not com e “for a few days” .. So you see! Robert wrote to dear Mr Kenyon on Sunday night, but by my especial desire, begged him to keep the news from you until I could write it m y self—& this, for the obvious probability’s sake o f your being m ost unnecessarily alarmed otherwise. I f Robert had written to you, you w^ have been frightened— now w ould’nt
you? .. N ot that w e ever keep from you anything- I w^ have told you long ago, had I known
myself. N ow I must not write anymore, because I am under a vow to Robert. He laid his commands on me not to write much (or 1 could, I assure you!) & just at present my mood inclines to be a more obedient w ife than I have been.
W ill my darling Arabel write for me to dear N elly Bordman & say that her kind letter arrived just too late, & that I shall write very soon a full account o f m yself. Thank her most affectionately in the meanwhile, & our kind good friend M" Jago & say that I admire his sagacity (with the few
data I gave him) as to the tim e— hwi it was farther o ff s t i l l .. beyond all calculation- Say too how
well I am, & in excellent spirits notwithstanding disappointments. G od’s w ill be done— &, we are happy enough here. How can I tell you what Robert has been & is to me throughout this
illness— so tender, past speaking of! Which reminds me, mind him more. M ay God bless you! my own dearest sisters-
Your Ba.
The morphine did no harm at a ll-
W ilson is much better, & a great comfort o f course. Love to all & T rippy- I w ill write again very soon. D o w rite-
[Continued by RB] Pisa,
March 26, ’47.
My dearest sisters: You may depen d upon the most satisfactory state o f Ba, as, I make no doubt,
she has described it to you in the enclosed letter. She w ill have told you that I wrote to Mr Kenyon on the 22"?, but,— being persuaded there was no danger,— could not help seeing the force o f her arguments against informing you o f the matter by any other hand than her own. She is at this moment on the sofa in our sitting-room, and wonderfully w ell and strong— beyond all reasonable hope, indeed. It is entirely thro’ my begging & praying that you have so short a letter— but that will be remedied in a few days. I shall not try to tell you how perfectly good and patient she has been. Be sure, quite sure, that w e w ill take every precaution. I have a very good opinion o f our Physician, and we abide im plicitly by his commands.
Let us congratulate each other on the safety o f this dearest o f creatures, and be thankful to God for his great goodness. God bless you.
RB. Ba was delighted to receive your joint letter with Mr B oyd ’s— and I shall write my own answer to my own kindest o f notes that came last week[.]
Address, in EBB's hand, on integral page: Miss Barrett / 50 Wimpole Street.
Publication: BC, 14, 154-157.
Source: Transcript in editor’s file.
1. Dated by the continuation in R B’s hand.
2. This was the first o f four miscarriages EBB would have; a second one occurred in March 1848, a year before the birth o f the Brownings’ son in March 1849, and two more thereafter (see letters 26, note 3; 48, note 3; and 53, note 1).
3. Literally, “my own fault,” from the Latin liturgical confession; used in conversation as an acknowledgement o f one’s own guilt.
4. EBB has cancelled about one line, including an interpolation o f several words.
12
P i s a -
D irect- Poste Restante, Firenze, Toscana, Italy. April 1 2- [1847]*
N ow my own dearest Arabel it is your turn- I have expected to hear from you with or without a reason. Perhaps I am unreasonable. Certainly you are, when you persist in telling atrocious things about postage^ . . . oh Arabel— is it not too bad? Judge yourself! W ould you, do you, can you
calculate postages in your own case? A s for ours, w hy Robert observes constantly that he would rather find a letter from som e indifferent person at the office than none at all .. a stupid letter from an indifferent person. Think then, what it is to us to have letters from the dearest people,
every word o f which is full o f interest. It is our one luxury— and you grudge it, you unkind
naughty Arabel! A ll this about such an obvious matter! I drop the subject for ever, entreating you to put away the thought o f it for as long. Only think that by writing to m e you give m e the greatest jo y you can give me, & that the oftener you give it the more generous a giver o f gifts you are! There’s an end!— or here’s a beginning, rather. The next thing to say is that though going on w ell, I have not done being an invalid yet— not quite. I look w ell, sleep w ell, eat w ell & am in good spirits— but still to lie on the sofa is a necessary inconvenience because o f a persisting symptom which does not suffer one to be o n eself altogether. Dl Cook says that it is a “slow & sure” affair . . . satisfactory in every respect except as to our Florentine schem es! There seem s little hope o f a journey to Florence as soon as the seventeenth, and very vexatious it is to be kept here .. “a w eek” says D! Cook, .. “a month” says Robert when he is out o f spirits .. “a few days” say 1 when inclined to laugh doctors & prophets to scorn. M!® Jameson w ill be at Florence on the twenty second on purpose to meet us (by the way), and if w e cant go on time w e shall have no opportunity o f apprizing her o f the fact. And then these cheating signori o f ours have ceased to be agreeable “padroni”^— altogether it is vexatious. D! C. affirms that if anyone except m y self were in question, he could set all to rights by a few doses o f quinine, but that he is h alf afraid o f giving it to me, .. awed by the nervous instability o f which he read the signs .. & would rather trust to nature’s own resources, taking a little more time. He assured m e the other day that w hile
he has attended me, he has seen nothing morbid about me except the state o f the n erves— neither
disease nor the tendency to disease— & that the lungs from first to last have been perfectly unembarrassed.
<. >4
— & there is no wonder that at the end o f these weeks, a woman not originally strong, should be still w eak— is there? Oh, I wish you could answer that question as quickly as it goes, to you! Robert’s goodness & tenderness are past speaking of, even if you could answer m e. He reads to me, talks & jests to make me laugh, tells me stories, improvises verses in all sorts o f languages (did I ever tell you that he was an improvisatore? indeed he is, & a surprising one! What is there that he cannot do & know?) sings songs, explains the difference between M endels[s]ohn & Spohr^ by playing on the table, & when he has thoroughly amused me, accepts it as a triumph, a pleasure o f his own .. the only pleasure he w ill have for him self. O f course I am spoilt to the uttermost! Who could escape? I think som etim es o f your opinion on the demoralizing effects o f “a long courtship” .. & then I admit that “the courtship,” with me, was by no means the m ost dangerous
thing. There has been a hundred tim es as much attention, tenderness, nay, fla tte r y even, ever
since— and is not this the close o f the seventh month, Arabel? .. is ’nt it? You w ill be disap pointed if I dont continue my calculations .. you know you w ill. Our parcel has left London only
ten days by a sailin g packet, & I despair to calculate in that direction. Sarian[n]a Browning waited
for the steamers in vain, & so the time passed. M!® Browning’s health is better, I am glad to say.^ Did 1 ever tell you that the Brownings were fierce & strong Puritans in the old years? A lw ays,
since I knew it I meant to tell you, feeling sure that you would care more for th at than for our