were attuned to their own socialization and that of cisgender men, and the impact of socialization for better or worse. Observation of cis masculine social cues served as important data points for participants. Moreover, many participants felt they must reject all that was considered feminine to reaffirm their masculinity, sometimes being held accountable to more stringent expectations to do so compared to cisgender men. Included in this subtheme was a sense of loss regarding expectations around interpersonal connections with others, as well as loss when rejecting facets of the self. Participant 1 shared observations of cisgender masculinity, accompanied by some critical thinking:
Well I know that femininity and masculinity is all relative to society and what history … what era you're in. In today's era of masculinity is definitely… it's basically being buff, but not crying... have no emotions … feeling shame if you do feel emotions … not opening up to other people. And I know as a... efforts to feel more of a man myself, sometimes I feed into that even though I know that's not what makes a man a man or masculine because a woman can be masculine a man can be feminine. It’s not necessarily only for men and not necessarily… yeah, yeah … so …
Participant 3 demonstrated meaning derived from cisgender socialization, the rejection of anything considered feminine to reaffirm masculinity, and having to remind himself to do the things he has observed in cisgender masculinity:
I kind of avoid feminine stuff to, kind of, reaffirm my own identity and not to hurt my masculinity.... So, I guess I'll avoid wearing anything pink… I guess masculinity is almost... not feminine. But that’s not really what it is.
I guess… honestly, I try my best to try and sit... I try to man spread, but I forget. I don't usually cross my legs or anything. If anything, it will be at the ankles. I guess I'm not very confident when I talk; it's a little bit different right now, but I feel like being confident is more a masculine trait. Not confident, but like … assertive is like more masculine. I don't really have an assertive bone in my body unless my cat is standing on my food. Then I'm like, “Hey get down from there!” But even that is kind of weak. Participant 7 added aspects of learning a new code, a kind of rule book of how cisgender men must conduct themselves in certain contexts:
I have to know all of the cues that exist in masculinity, which is actually really difficult for me and part of the reason why I reject masculinity so much, is because there are so many unspoken rules about how to interact. Like, if you're in a bathroom, you're not supposed to look at people and stuff like that… I don't think much about femininity because I've tried so hard to reject it and not be identified with it. So I think that I don't know. I think femininity is like an old pair of shoes that I can't wear anymore.
As a trans masculine person, I think identifying in a super binary way really enforces those rifts between masculinity and femininity, and between men and women. It is weird how me, as a trans person, wants to deconstruct binaries and deconstruct gender and all that stuff… but still I feed into those stereotypes to alleviate a feeling that society has given me. It's all confusing.
Participant 11 began sharing a reflection on feelings of loss associated with a perceived change in interpersonal connection, which prompted him to share another reflection from childhood. The connection here seems to be a feeling of sadness in thinking he must reject sensitivity, nurturing and interpersonal connectedness to identify as trans masculine. Of note is how that assumption was coming to him from an outside source:
I did have a period of time in my life where I mourned the fact that I could never have the same relationship with a woman if I wanted to be a guy, just because I really appreciate girls and women. I like them. They are nice…
It was something that ... one of my teachers, like, took me out of class and sat me down because she knew this kid who is a year older than me who transitioned. She told me that I had a beautiful, nurturing spirit, and I shouldn't throw it away by transitioning. At the time, I was shocked to hear that, but after that I just was really sad because it meant that she didn't think that men were capable of having any emotional capacity.
Participant 10 described great satisfaction with their body when starting testosterone, but echoed Participant 11 in feeling loss in the expectation to reject aspects of his identity:
I would identify as trans man, but it seemed like I was losing more of me than I was gaining at a certain point. I was really happy about it up until a point, but I was going too far into the masculine that I was losing a part of me that maybe I still identified with. So then I went back and I told people that I would go with they/them, and at least try to explain it to people I was very close with, thinking they might understand. But it just didn't seem to fit perfectly.
Lastly, Participant 5 spoke to a progression toward self-actualization that they have observed in others; a sort of oscillation in expression when moving toward authenticity:
A lot of my friends who, you know, have spent several years being out and trans are now kind of saying that, like, you know, “I was pushing really far one way…” and are now are feeling more comfortable … centering, I guess?