1. There is only room in a relationship for two people
I should have realised that my friendship with Ben wasn't fair on Jake. Jake had many female friends, but he only saw them when I was around. Because Jake was very trusting, he wasn’t threatened by my friendship with Ben. The problem though was that I hadn’t realised how close Ben was becoming to me and how my feelings were changing. The lesson I learnt from this is that personally, I don’t believe a girl should spend so much time with a guy friend when she has a boyfriend. I should have stopped to think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed. In hindsight that would have hurt. Although you can be happy with someone, spending so much time with someone else is tempting fate.
2. ‘Mr. Nice’ is not necessarily ‘Mr. Right’
Jake was one of the best people I had ever met. But a lesson I’ve learnt is not to doubt my instinct, and to know to trust my heart. I realised that ‘Mr. Nice’ is not necessarily going to be your ‘Mr. Right.’ Just because someone is seemingly perfect, doesn’t mean that they are perfect for you. You can’t decide to be with someone just because they treat you well, because choosing to have a life with someone is so much more than that. I’m not saying Jake was only nice and nothing else, because that would be the biggest injustice to him. But I realised that if I had my doubts, maybe they were there for a reason.
3. Sometimes you have to be Cruel to be Kind
When I broke up with Jake I was kind to him because I wanted him to know that I still really cared about him. That was why I didn’t tell him about Ben for a very long time. I should have been more honest with Jake from the start and told him that I started dating someone else. I thought I was protecting him but instead keeping Jake in my life and not telling him about Ben made it harder for him to heal and move on. I only realised this later, because when I finally did tell him he seemed to move on and start a proper life without me.
It also hurt Ben. Even though we both agreed on not telling Jake that we were dating yet, I saw how the situation took a toll on our relationship and contributed to our eventual breakup. I believe all your energy should go to the person you are with.
Actions speak louder than words and I think, even though Ben knew I loved him, sometimes the time spent seeing Jake was very scary for him.
I tried to find a balance between not hurting Jake’s feelings and keeping my new boyfriend happy, but Jake was constantly sad and Ben was hurting. It was a difficult time in my life. Feeling stressed, sad, confused and guilty is not a good combination. I learnt that sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind.
Ben
They say there’s a thing called ‘love at first sight.’ I don’t know if I had that with Ben, because I was dating someone else when I met him for the first time. But, I do believe in the spark. From the first moment I talked to Ben, I knew he was different. Instantaneously there was magic, a spark, a deep connection that words just can’t do justice. Something that I loved about Ben was how he loved me. He seemed to love me for all the things I loved about myself. He seemed to know me better than anyone ever had.
Ben was a fiery and lively redhead, with boyish charm and good looks. He always wore a black t-shirt and jeans, a little like a young Bryan Adams. He hair colour was one I had not seen before - a mixture of ginger and auburn with curls that did not seem to want to be tamed. I loved his chiselled, manly jawline and perfectly high cheekbones. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen – green, with a few flecks of brown- soft eyes, the kind of eyes that steal your heart (or stole mine). The kind of eyes you’ll never forget. He lived a few houses away from me and he was sporty like me and could run like the wind. He had the innate ability to pick up any sport and master it almost immediately. His dad used to be a triathlete, so Ben must have inherited his good genes. His sport of choice was cycling: he was passionate about it and loved every minute of training. I remember him telling me his favourite song was one from Empire of the Sun. It had some bit about doing it for the “thrill of it.” He said he always played that song before cycling up this huge hill because it motivated him to get to the top. That was something I really admired about Ben. He was very ambitious. He had dreams and worked very hard to achieve them. Ben had similar values to me and we had deep and meaningful conversations all the time. He studied engineering at the same university as me and worked at the local video store. He loved Cold Play and The Great Gatsby and was sentimental like me. Ben talked a lot and was great at expressing his feelings. I think that’s one of the reasons I fell for him so fast. Something I would learn in time though, was that there was much more to Ben than met the eye.