Negotiating my role and positionality

I was born in a Newari farmer family. The only difference from other farmer families was my father had a high paying intermediate government job. Although my mother and father were both involved in farming, none of my generation had to work on our farmlands. I was raised in the suburban village of Kathmandu valley, which is about 6 miles southwest from the downtown New-road. Living in and growing up in a

suburban part of Kathmandu is an interesting place because one sees and visits "developed" areas every day and at the same time one will feel and live in an "under- developed" suburb of the city. People growing up in a suburban area need to constantly act as modern subjects when someone meets a friend from urban areas and feels sad for not having a paved blacktopped road, lots of vehicles and shops. I grew up with these mixed feelings. Although clear distinctions have been blurred in terms of modern facilities between urban and suburban within the last two decades, sub-urban areas are not a downtown or an urban area. Local residents still know each other and have some degree of self-sustenance. For instance, my family still grows about 50 percent of

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vegetables for our daily consumption. We used to grow 90 percent of the thing that we consume at home until at least 10 years ago. But markets have proliferated and are still expanding in every nook and corner of villages in Nepal, disrupting the self-

sustaining life of people.

I spent a few years of my childhood in a typical Newari settlement but later moved to a mixed tol (a settlement or a village) about a mile away. Most Newar households were of different jaats (caste), unlike mostly Maharjan (Dongol) and few Shrestha jaats in my previous tol (both Newari caste or jaat). Within a quarter mile radius from my current home, there are many Bahun, Chetri, Magar,

"untouchable” jaats (Biswokarma, Mijar) and other diverse Newari jaat’s households. I grew up with friends from all jaats and never knew about different jaats until I was in 7- 8th grade. I distinctly remember going with my younger brother for lunch in an

"untouchable" caste neighbor’s house during some festivals. It gradually changed when I became older. I stopped going after I found that they were "untouchable" jaat. In the later years, I grew up mostly with Chetri, Bahun and Newar friends. Many things drastically changed in the past 10-15 years. Behavior towards "untouchables" have changed. People cannot be forced to do something and behave badly or discriminatory based on their caste, although news of discrimination can be heard and seen in the media very often. At the same time when I thought that much has changed with time in Nepal many people still have a stronger opinion of "untouchables". For instance, some Bahun

- Chetri friends who are more educated and have advanced academic education have kept the discourses and practices of "untouchable" alive in my own place and also in my

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research sites, which are no different than the conversation of many Ph.D. students of Nepal who are currently studying in Miami.

After reflecting on fieldwork, I think that conducting successful fieldwork is about performing yourself sometimes as a staunch conservationist and sometimes as a social justice activist, sometimes as indigenous advocate and sometimes as rich or poor. Since I know that the majority of Nepali people think that if you are returning from the USA and are a Ph.D. student, you already are in the higher class. You have money and your life is secure. In addition, if you are from Kathmandu and a Newar, you are already considered as rich and in a higher class, although there are more nuances and complexity between caste groups and within the Newar caste. I strategically used or performed my diverse identities to make a connection with people to get authentic information and insider views.

When I tried to become clear about my identity as a returning Ph.D. student studying in the USA and doing conservation related research, Gokarna dai, who helped me to connect with people in the field, told me to be humble. He told me that if I use the word "Ph.D." to introduce myself then that is not considered humble

behavior. Karna dia's reading, however, is not incorrect. In Nepal, the level of academic qualification is considered as a marker of your social order. Most people do not want to know how much people know about a certain topic or whether certain people are fit for the job or not, but most people only care about literate or illiterate and what class they have passed. If someone boasts, then respondents might not think of that as humble. He told me that I need to perform or act as someone who is in a lower social order such as by saying ‘dai” - meaning you subscribe to a lower position, which means saying someone is

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an elder brother. In addition, PhD is an English word, which resembles big and better. Similar to the words "national parks" “buffer zone”, “demarcation line”, “tourists”, “guests”, these English words have powerful force just by being an English word. He instead suggested that I use the Nepali word "Bidhyabaradi", which I never used. I continued to use the word "PhD" with people who I think will understand. I rarely used the word with local people. I used to say that I am a student trying to learn about forest resources, livestock, and agriculture.

Sometimes I had to perform class identity- a rich person with modern sunglasses, nice deodorant, and nice clothing. With that performance, I got better responses from hoteliers, workers and other residents. If you look rich, you are powerful, you can invest, you can spend more money and there is always a potential of helping someone. Stories of rich foreign white people helping local are widespread in Sauraha. In addition, many Nepali people wanted to make connections with someone rich and powerful.

My non-Bahun identity also helped me to get more information about how indigenous or janajati or ethnic minority members think about social issues. When I asked any question related with Bahun-Chetri they used to ask me what jaat or jaati I am or they would make sure that I am not Bahun-Chetri before they start talking about Bahun-Chetri. Some people can easily guess that I am not Bahun-Chetri by my

phenotypic characteristics, but unlike many Newars of Kathmandu my command of the Nepali language is indistinguishable. Most Tamang people and Thaur people were very open with me when they talked or criticized about Bahun-Chetri leaders in Sauraha, and most Tamang people in Sunachuri rarely criticized Newar leaders because of my Newar identity.

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