If you can communicate with candor and honesty, you will find you can achieve an incredible closeness and unity with others, as well as enhanced communication from them in return. A USA Today article, “Keys to Keeping Your Mate,” reported the results of a survey about what people considered most important to maintaining a good relationship with their partner:
Honesty 96%
Discuss feelings 95% Being good friends 92% Fidelity to mate 91 % Support, encouragement 88% Keeping romance alive 78% Good sexual relationship 68% Sharing financial goals 65% Sharing religious values 52% Sharing career goals 42%
Notice that the most important values are honesty, being open about feelings, and being good friends.
One of the most serious problems in relationships is a lack of honest com- munication. Most of the time we fail to communicate about core issues openly and honestly. We err on the side of tact and diplomacy. Sometimes, in order to communicate effectively, you have to be candid—or even blunt. Since trust is the foundation of all close relationships, you can’t sacrifice honesty just because you can’t find a way to say whatever you have to say tactfully.
Sometimes you have to tell someone that they are behaving or doing something unacceptable—or that they have offended you in some way. Be open and honest, but show an increase of love and acceptance thereaf- ter. This is especially appropriate in marriages and with children but also applies to your business associates, extended family, and everyone with whom you interact.
Effective communication involves more than one person expressing a viewpoint, a thought, or a feeling and another person receiving and acknowl- edging the message. This is really only half of effec- tive communication. Communication should serve a greater purpose between people and create a satisfac- tory result or benefit.
For example, think about the last argument you had with someone. You certainly understood what that person was saying—you probably knew they were angry and why—and surely you expressed your feelings. If you both walked away angry with no resolution, then it is likely that only partial com- munication occurred.
Usually an open discussion with your spouse or child leads to something good. You gain a better understanding of them or arrive at a better level of activity, action, or solu- tion. Calling each other names, yelling, or giving someone the silent treat- ment isn’t proper or effective communication. To be open and honest at all times creates trust. People will say that they always know where you stand on things and that you can be trusted to speak up. People will cut you a lot of slack with regard to feelings if they can tell that your comments are sincere, coming from the heart, and have their best interests in mind. Try saying, ‘Tm afraid that what I have to say will hurt your feelings, and I don’t want to do that. Will you allow me to speak the truth?”
When you mix tact with honesty, you enhance your people skills. If you can conduct your relationship with your spouse, children, or anyone else in this manner, your relationships will be based on trust and appreciation.
Often the main problems in a marriage center around the selfishness of one or both of the people involved. To attain greater satisfaction in your family life, you must stop playing games, be willing to change, to be open and honest, to grow wiser, and to become better. You must always keep the other person’s best interests at heart and have reasonable expectations about what can and cannot be accomplished given the circumstances. If something makes you angry, say so. It’s not necessary to blow up, just state your problem, with the expectation—and trust—of finding a solu- tion. It’s normal to exhibit emotion when you state the problem—don’t pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. Learn to focus on the problem and put both minds to work on finding the solution.
“Reprove with sharpness, but then show an increase of love toward the person whom you have reproved; otherwise, he or she may esteem you to be an enemy.”
—The Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
You cannot solve problems within the family by ignoring them. When ignored, problems only grow. Be willing to both give and receive honest praise and honest feedback—both positive and negative—and let other family members know where they stand with you. Be honest and open at all times, and eliminate game-playing.
According to one divorce lawyer I know, the biggest reason couples split up is their inability to talk honestly, bare their souls, and treat each other as best friends. Often when couples are dating, they play games with one another—always trying to put their best foot forward—and talk mostly about superficial things in order to impress each other. After the wedding, these couples find it hard to talk, hard to layout a week’s plan—let alone a life’s plan. They fail to anticipate that their interests and ideas will change with age. They talk right through each other—rather than to each other— on important matters. This lack of communication often brings on drink- ing, infidelity, and physical and mental abuse.
I know a successful single father of two children. Being without a mate hasn’t stopped him from balancing a busy home life with serving as president of his own firm. His Core Desires are to make his family work and still be highly successful in each of life’s areas. He said to me one day, “I leave the company at the office. When I am home, I turn my attention to my two girls. You have to be able to talk—and listen—to your kids. They have their own views and opinions, and it’s important that you listen.”