Parenting-style caring

Expectations of a supportive role of the family may seem to come to nothing when the elderly are placed in a facility (Kellett, 1999). But families having adapted to having become a parenting figure in caring for the elderly in Parkview characterised the family-driven triad in this study. Families become the emotional anchor and a source of support and guidance for their ageing kin. Just like the attributes that characterise parents, there are some attributes that are characteristic of a parenting style of care giving in the triad. Such a style of care giving was realised through the acceptance of filial responsibility and a sense of reciprocal obligation. Families often believed or stated that they had a special obligation to take care of their elderly family members‟ basic needs. They had to ensure that their elderly family members were fed and clothed and that their other needs were met, so they had to check if they were cared for properly, that they were clean and got a bath. These families expressed the view that it was the children‟s responsibility and obligation to care for their elderly family members. However, such an obligation is not simply the product of family ties, affection, feelings of closeness and interconnectedness but is also explained by kinship reciprocity:

that has just been instilled in me since childhood. I should care out of compassion. I have always been responsible for her. (Barbara, Wai Woon‟s

granddaughter)

I may not keep her here if she is not happy. I have to feel good about the place. I can‟t just leave her with anyone, just like you wouldn‟t leave your kids with any babysitter. (Beth, Kam Chi‟s daughter)

When my mum was told that she had Parkinson and breast cancer and would only live six months, I hired a series of domestic helpers to come in and help care for my mum at home. Some turned out not to be well trained, or not very sensitive, and the good ones moved on. So it was not just expensive, it was so unreliable. There was the constant aggravation of looking and interviewing, and the hiring, the firing and the quitting. My son and I moved into her place to live with her. I also made adjustments to my work schedule in order to maintain

my role as the primary family member… Moving mum here was something that was against all my principles. It was a very difficult decision for me. I decided to search out the best nursing home that I could find, knowing full well that it wouldn‟t be as good as it was supposed to be. And then I made sure that I would go each and every day and supervise what was being done to mum… If I don‟t get some answers and feel she is getting good care, I may just move her to find the “best place”. (Man, Po Chun‟s daughter)

The concept of role reversal has been employed extensively in the family relations literature and describes a situation in which a child assumes parental responsibilities, effectively to parent the parent (Mayseless, Bartholomew, Henderson & Trinke, 2004). Adult children are called upon to provide the elderly with protection, support and care.

Mum‟s situation calls out to me to maintain recognition of her dignity as the person I have known, now grown frail in old age. Where her wilful ability seems reduced, I am called upon to compensate for and supply support to her process of being a person through my own personhood. (Man, Po Chun‟s daughter))

She described herself as her mother‟s “right hand”, saying she “never left her side”, and “I was more her mum than she was mine”.

Families tended to become more protective of their parents, as if they were taking care of children. They had a duty to protect the elderly from all manner of injuries, including psychic injury, and “take care not to inflict themselves by abuse or denying affection” (Jackson-Newsom, Buchanan & McDonald, 2008).

Immediately after the surgery, Po Chun‟s self-image was hurt. She didn‟t really want to look into the mirror. It‟s Man, her daughter who helped her how to work at getting back a positive view of herself. (Helen, Po Chun‟s nurse)

In parenting-style caring, it was not uncommon for families to make decisions for the elderly. They appeared to be controlling areas related to the older people‟s sense of wellbeing, learning skills to deal with people in Parkview and developing serviceable habits for enriching their lives and making life meaningful in Parkview. Barbara (Wai

Woon‟s granddaughter) serves as an advocate for Wai Woon to find something interesting:

Participating in the activities can help Mama to develop a sense of being part of Parkview, and being able to communicate with other residents and with staff keeps her busy and enjoying the group atmosphere. (Barbara, Wai Woon‟s

granddaughter)

According to Brock (1996), parents may become controlling when motivated by parental affection and concerns for a child‟s successful adjustment and development. This also resembled the parenting behaviour in the family-driven triad. The families maintaining a parental figure tended to uphold authority and control by using explanation in the family-driven triad.