Personal and professional anxieties, tensions and risk-taking: components in the construction of teacher-writer identity

As described in 5.3 above, five of the teachers in the case study identified that they had some experience of creative writing in their adult lives. However, they did not see their creative writing as relating to their teacher selves. They considered their writing practice to be private, carried out for their own pleasure, and unconnected to their teacher identities, as noted above. Only one teacher had made any previous attempt to bring her own writing practice into the classroom – reading a poem she had written to her class - but had found this unsuccessful, feeling that it had ‘stalled them’ (T1, Seminar 1).

A second teacher said that she had begun writing ‘out of necessity’, largely for therapeutic reasons during a period of unhappiness (T4, Interview 4). Although this teacher had attended some creative writing workshops in the past, she again saw her writing as largely private, ‘I’m writing for myself…to let my feelings out’ (T4, Interview 4), distinguishing between the writer self and the teacher self.

Two teachers had written songs for some years. Of these, one had recently started to write fiction, again privately and for his own pleasure, describing writing as a ‘passion’. Again, he identified this as entirely separate from his teacher identity, and had never considered the link between his private creative writing experiences and his teaching of writing: ‘Until now it is something that has just never occurred to me’ (T11, Essay). This teacher’s comments echo Cremin and Myhill’s observation that generally there is little

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reflection on teachers’ ‘identities as writers and the connections between writing identities and teaching writing’ (Cremin and Myhill, 2011: p.126). It is significant to note that the teacher here prefaces his reflection with ‘Until now’, indicating that a change has taken place in his own conception of the relationship between his writing and teaching identities as a result of his participation in the Well Versed project.

All of the participants in the case study, including those who had some previous

experience of engaging in creative writing practice, demonstrated significant anxiety at the prospect of developing their creative writing practice. This was revealed in the first

creative writing seminar, when teachers were asked to introduce themselves and say why they had chosen to come on the course.

I teach English Language and Literature throughout the school, but I’d say that I’m really more of an English Literature person... I do like poetry – I love reading it – but writing it – I am quite petrified! (T9, Seminar 1)

I don’t write – I am pretty scared too, but I want to have a go at writing really. (T3, Seminar 1)

I am really quite nervous about this, it’s quite a challenge for me. .. I am looking forward to this – but with some trepidation. (T2, Seminar 1)

I’ve never done any writing. I’m scared, but I’m looking forward to my own development. (T12, Seminar 1)

New experiences often invoke feelings of anxiety, and it is therefore perhaps not surprising that the teachers expressed their fears at this early stage. Research has suggested, however, that their anxiety may reveal more than a personal sense of nervousness. In creative writing, teachers are ‘positioned more overtly than usual as learners’ and may therefore feel ‘vulnerable about this role shift in the domain of writing’ (Grainger, 2005: p.78). This may relate to the external/internal paradox of teachers who are positioned by others as ‘experts’ in writing, but who in reality may feel anxious and

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insecure about their own knowledge and ability. This creates a sense of professional tension, since embarking on creative writing practice may be seen as a route to exposing areas of vulnerability.

The teachers involved in this case study reflected on where their anxiety came from. For many, a major hurdle to overcome was the perception that the other teachers involved in Well Versed would be able to approach creative writing with greater confidence and skill than themselves. The case study involved teachers from primary, middle and secondary schools. Three of the teachers were English teachers. For those teachers who were not English specialists, there was an expectation that others would be able to approach creative writing confidently:

… it is fair to say that an overall air of vulnerability was expressed at the beginning of our creative writing seminars by primary and secondary teachers alike. Initially, I was surprised by the secondary teachers on the course reporting that they were ‘nervous’ about the group writing sessions. Part of me expected this feeling more from my fellow primary teachers as we were not necessarily subject specialists. Nevertheless, the anxiety involved in writing and sharing our work with an audience seemed to be universal. (T3, Essay)

As this teacher points out, those with some background in English Literature felt that their knowledge did not form the basis for confidence in creative writing; although English subject specialists, they felt that they had no specialism in the field of creative writing practice. They experienced the same trepidation as their colleagues.

My usual confidence with English faded quickly and I felt somewhat intimidated by others around the table; automatically assuming that they would be accomplished writers to various degrees. (T9, Essay)

The use of the words ‘confidence’ and ‘vulnerability’ may go some way to coming to an understanding teachers’ initial apprehension. The English word ‘confidence’ has its roots

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in the Latin ‘fidere’, to trust; and ‘vulnerable’ comes from the Latin ‘vulnerare’, to wound. This perhaps implies that teachers are concerned that the process of creative writing in some ways lowers their defences, and that in order to address this they must build confidence, or trust. This begs the question trust in what, or in whom? As the teachers examined their own sense of vulnerability, potential answers to these questions began to emerge.

Teachers’ sense that their peers would be ‘better’ than them at creative writing seems to imply that they each considered themselves to have a low level of competence, and that this would be discovered by others through the writing activities that took place in

seminars. The awareness that their writing would be shared with their peers and with their poet tutors and mentors, contributed to this anxiety:

Trying to be creative, in the seminars, that intimidating feeling of having those poets, so skilled, that feeling that this is something that I can’t connect with

because maybe I don’t have that creative side in me, that doubt. (T2, Interview 3)

The anxiety that is described here relates not only to what others will think but to a fear that ‘I don’t have that creative side in me’. The participant here, positioned as a learner, recognises that the knowledge that she seeks about creative writing cannot be transferred from teacher to learner; it is not ‘a telling by one to the other’ (Bruner, 1996: p.56). This participant’s doubts rest on her capacity to ‘be creative’. However, later in the interview she goes on to say:

I do think that everyone has the potential to unlock something that they didn’t know was there and produce something they can be proud of...One of the things it’s shown me, and brought to the fore, I’m prepared to look at things a little bit differently, as uncomfortable as that is at times...But that’s been about as well working with my poet mentor, and when she has said, that’s what you need to work with…and maybe it will emerge as something completely different. (T2, Interview 3)

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The idea of ‘unlocking’ something can be seen in relation to Bruner’s concept of learners as thinkers: knowledge may exist internally as well as externally, and internal, personal knowledge can be revealed and developed through intersubjective exchange (Bruner, 1996: p.56). However, in considering themselves as learners exploring and constructing their personal knowledge of creative writing, participants’ sometimes revealed that the anxiety that accompanied the process was inhibiting:

I frequently felt the blind panic of a lack of ideas and the pressure to be genuine but interesting, honest while also engaging my audience (T9, Essay)

The anxiety expressed here may relate to a kind of performance anxiety, unconnected to creative writing. However, it is worth reflecting here that some of the vulnerabilities and anxieties may have been magnified because the course focussed on the writing of poetry. As discussed in Chapter Two, Romantic ideas about self-expression, catharsis, and the inspirational Muse permeate conceptions of poetry. The poem itself, in this conception, is brought about not by deliberate practice but by ‘a sudden burst of creative energy – charged by a powerful emotion, vision or image’ (Davidson and Fraser, 2006: p.29). It is an outpouring of the inner self.

Dymoke’s research (2001) found that conceptions of poetry as an emotional and personal form of self-expression influenced teachers’ attitudes to teaching poetry writing.

Teachers’ views that ‘if poetry is creative and individual who am I to assess it?. ..Because it’s so personal it seems almost intrusive’ reveal a sense that poetry, in comparison to other forms of creative writing is ‘somehow precious and unassailable’ (Dymoke, 2001: p.34). The lyricism associated with Romantic conceptions of poetry is evident here: poetry is viewed as ‘an intense expression of subjective experience’ (Wellek, cited in Culler, 2009: p.884). In this conception, ideas about poetry are concerned with intense personal

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feelings, an inward gaze, and the exposure of personal feelings may thus add to

participants’ anxiety and apprehension at the prospect of writing poetry, and sharing their poetry with peers.

In the data, the perceptions of poetry as self-revelatory are evident in the way that participants described their ideas about poetry as a site of personal disclosure:

I was nervous about revealing too much of myself (T12, Poetry Portfolio)

Any initial concerns were not based on whether I was going to be able to write a poem of an acceptable standard. Despite not coming from a poetry background, I had had enough experience of creative writing to know that I would be able to have a decent stab at it at least. For me, it was simply a case of how much of myself I would be prepared to reveal. (T11, Essay)

In this context, then, trust emerges as a concept that, may relate to the self (trust in one’s own capacity to behave creatively, and to have ideas, as well as one’s fears about self- revelation), to the processes involved in writing poetry, and to those involved in those processes with you (both ‘those poets, so skilled’ and the ‘audience’ who must be ‘engaged’). In early seminars, the ‘pressure’ to ‘be creative’ provoked, at times, intense self-doubt.

And I’ll be honest after the first session – and it was great – and the tutor was lovely, it wasn’t anything to do with that – I came away thinking, oh no no no, what’s this all about? I can’t do this…I can’t write poems. It’s very emotive, I was thinking, what am I doing? But then, no, I am going to do this, I’m going to face these uncomfortable situations, I don’t want to be comfortable, I need to keep going. (T2, Interview 3)

At the heart of this teacher’s fears then, is the risk of failure: ‘I can’t do this…I can’t write poems’. The internal dialogue reported here, with the reply ‘I don’t want to be

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taking is an element of developing creative writing practice, and of emerging teacher- writer identity. This is developed further in the teacher’s essay, where she describes sharing work as ‘an area of inner conflict… with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness battling with the rational voice of the lifelong learner I am’ (T2, Essay). The ‘lifelong learner’ seems to be closely connected to her identity as a teacher. As a teacher, she identifies self-doubt as a positive aspect of teacher reflection, and it is here that she attempts to reconcile the lack of confidence that she feels about creative writing.

Crisis of confidence was the recurrent theme for the entire length of the course, which, if I am entirely honest, is a position I professionally find myself in at times, with no bearing to the writing module. When you are responsible for engaging young minds, trying to foster a passion for learning and ensuring the children are fully equipped to tackle future study, it would be disastrous not to question personal practice, your colleagues and also incorporating the wider picture at policy level. I believe self-doubt is vital to ensure evaluation and reflection which is an essential component to continuing development. (T2, Essay)

Here, concepts of ‘confidence’ and ‘self-doubt’ are drawn on as elements that contribute to this teachers’ reflective practice. The process of reflection is identified as a central aspect of both the practice and pedagogy of creative writing. In the next section of this chapter, I explore how the sharing of creative writing practice supports the process of reflection, and investigate how the sharing of practice contributes to the construction of teacher-writer identities.

5.5 The sharing of creative writing practice: a co-constructive process that