Pilot study reflexivity

The initial findings from the pilot interviews proved challenging as many of them were not expected or anticipated before starting this research. In addition, many of the initial themes were not representative of the outline literature review conducted as part of the research proposal. While this lack of correlation points towards validity of the research (see sections Research design, Validity and reflexivity and Discussion, Additional validity and

reflexivity), it arguably put me as researcher, as well as the interview framework, under scrutiny; there were no comparable studies or findings, the themes emerging were deemed as potentially ‘controversial’ and some damning insights into the views of the participants about their individual couples therapists were manifesting.

As a practising therapist as well as researcher, I was aware of the challenges and dilemmas such emerging material posed. The research was specifically into the experience of being a man in couples therapy and not about the efficacy, modality, gender, sexuality or ethnicity of the therapist. Enquiring about participant experience in the research interview was

relatively simple using the framework described in section ‘Research design, Interview format and approach’. That being said, it was also inevitable that asking questions about their experience could be argued to be leading. Thus, care was taken to move through the

87 whole framework outlines in section ‘Research design, Interview format and approach’ without overtly focussing on specific aspects. This was personally challenging if participants mentioned instances of where their couples therapist was reported to make interventions or comments that collided with my own perspective of couples therapy. Thus, it was decided not to ask any questions surrounding the participants opinion of the therapist but if, during the course of interview, participants volunteered something about their couples therapist it was acknowledged, followed up with how that had shaped their experience, before moving on. During analysis, however, when themes relating specifically to some of the therapists were collated together they felt dispiriting. Indeed, deciding how to deal with such material without it dominating the research project took up much time in research supervision, personal therapy and in my journaling.

Initially it was decided to describe such therapeutic interventions in the thesis without explicit quotations. This approach was adopted as it allowed the participant’s experience to be illuminated without fuelling a discussion focused on the therapist; it kept the findings participant-focused. This approach was changed following final VIVA as the external examiners made it a criteria that “every statement has clear reference and the strength of claim reflects evidence on which it is based”. To this end, and to allow the reader to assess, understand and question whether the themes presented are an accurate reflection of what the participant described, while maintaining the integrity and focus of the research,

extensive quotations are presented below that correlate to the findings presented in section ‘Findings, Awareness, Gender bias of some therapists’. These quotations are presented here as opposed to section ‘Findings, Awareness, Gender bias of some therapists’ to provide evidence of findings whilst maintaining focus on the experience of the participants, rather than on therapist.

The first participant is describing his experience of going to couples therapy: R: This is what was quite shocking on the first… Actually, on the first

88 saying, they used to say, when you get high energy, and this is the first time

I started looking at it thinking, actually, yes, this is probably… I hadn’t really looked at it like this, but [the therapist] was almost suggesting that it was almost bordering on domestic violence and that therefore we should be separating in the initial sessions because [the therapist] didn’t think it would be appropriate to raise things in the session that would potentially lead to me getting into those states. Honestly, I was looking at [the therapist] thinking, well, I know that’s not… I can tell you, that’s not going to happen because I get like that when I get really frustrated and I don’t feel like I can voice my opinions. But it’s not like I’m going to stand up here and start punching walls. But at the same time, I’m not going to argue with you, either. There’s no point in me arguing, so I just said, yes, that’s fine, let’s do that, then.

I: What was that like for you, then?

R: It was a bit of a shock, obviously.

I: Can you say more? What was shocking about it?

R: I had never looked at it in that way. I’d never considered that my actions could be even slightly, in any sense, related to any sort of domestic violence situation… I found it, I did find it shocking. But at the same time, I kind of thought, well, I can kind of understand why you’re doing that, and I’m not going to argue either, but what’s that going to serve? That’s just fanning the flames if I suddenly stand up and go, well, that’s ridiculous, I’m not going to do that.

I: Have you had experiences before in your life where you’ve been in similar situations?

89 I: Because you’ve talked quite heavily about the differences between the way

your partner reacts and you react. Where did you learn how to react as a man?

R: In that way?

I: In any way, how to behave as a man.

R: Where did I learn to act like… As a man? I don’t know. Well, I guess, watching your parents, to a certain extent. I guess I kind of live in the moment a lot of the time. You have a way a behaving or reacting to a certain circumstance. Now whether that is me… Whether I would say that is just me acting as a man. Well, I guess it is because I’m a man, so I don’t know. But, yes, I guess, you know, interactions with your parents, maybe, is…

I: You seem quite angry.

R: I don’t know if I was angry at myself.

I: Now, here with me, you seem quite angry. You’ve got a rash on your neck.

R: Maybe it’s embarrassing. I don’t know, maybe I find it a bit embarrassing that that’s how… That that was the suggestion.

I: Okay. What’s embarrassing about it?

R: Just because I’d never considered myself… I would never, ever physically look to… I’ve never even considered a thought of hurting my partner physically and so I find that quite difficult that there was a suggestion that that might be a possibility

90 The following excerpt is taken from the second interview conducted with a participant:

I: Tell me about the first session, how you think it went, what it was like for you to be there.

R: I cried, because I think like the possibility was real then, it was real that the outcome might be that my partner would leave. And they asked us

questions, they asked us why we were there, like what, you know, what was the point basically. It was kind of like [the therapist] was asking us

questions to see if we were gonna have any further sessions. And yeah, they asked us why we wanted to have it, why we wanted to keep, to stay in the relationship, or if we wanted to. And I’d said, I remember like choking up, and my partner was there, it was quite embarrassing. But I said ‘It’d be such a shame because we’d been through a lot’ and yeah, it’d just be a waste, not just about time, but of what, just the relationship and how things could have been. And yeah, I guess it kind of brought that home to me, actually how valuable it was, and how much I wanted it. My partner didn’t cry, and actually she was more negative about it than I was. Not negative, but I’d said that I absolutely wanted to stay together, and I want the relationship to work, and we should, and you know, be because of like what I said and, it’d be such a waste. And she’d said that, something more along on the lines that she doesn’t want to stay in it as much as I did. You know, I think that, just the fact that she was really open to the idea that we, you know, that the relationship would end. I think that really brought things home a bit as well.

I: How did the therapist interact with you both?

91 I: Generally is fine…

R: [The therapist was] nice, really softly spoken, which I didn’t mind. My partner had remarked that she didn’t like it, it was almost condescending. But I didn’t think it was, but they reminded me of [a relative] actually, the therapist. I don’t know if it was something to do with their accent, or just the rhythm of their voice, or something. So, I don’t know, maybe I identified with that, so I liked them a bit. [They were] quite conversational, like, informal, chatty, [the therapist] related things back to their son, and ex- partners, and they sort of, you know, dropped in some swear words. I don’t know if that was to put us at ease, or if it was something else

I: OK, can you say more?

R: Well, actually, because when they mentioned their son, it was in relation to some of my behaviour, and they mentioned their teenage son, and that kind of annoyed me initially, because I felt like they was saying I was behaving like a teenager. But again, after reflection on that, I was behaving in a way that, you know, I shouldn’t have been. But when they mentioned their previous partner, it was because they’d had a difficult relationship and they’d separated. And it was about their differences in sort of [their

partner] would get up in a morning and then [the therapists partner] would be negative towards [the therapist] because [the therapist] had stayed in bed longer… To be honest it wasn’t too… I didn’t see that much relevance in it, at the time.

I: And now?

R: Hmm, I’m not sure because when they mentioned it, it was almost like role reversal when [the therapist] applied it to mine and my partner’s

92 the roles were reversed, so I assumed [the therapist] wouldn’t have

negatively sort of referred to themself, and then projected that on me, does that make sense?

Participant two

Further into the interview, participant two said:

“There was one incident, because, you know, to shout and scream at someone, you never should do it, you know, it’s abusive, you shouldn’t do it. But I remember saying to [the therapist] that I don’t shout, it doesn’t come out of the blue, there’s some sort of trigger or stimulus that has made me angry, and then they said something about… I think they mentioned another couple, obviously not names and things, but they mentioned another couple and it was a couple, he was an abusive partner, but like physically abusive like, you know, he didn’t sort of just shout, and the therapist talked about his excuses. And you know, they didn’t say to me, there’s no excuse for your reaction, but with the story, that’s sort of what I took from it. Well I feel like that’s exactly what [the therapist] was saying, and [the therapist] kind of shut me down before I got any further, and I kind of felt afterwards I was like embarrassed that I’d started to justify that behaviour.