• The title—is it catchy? (“Sir Barks Alot Ruffs It Up” works better than “The School
Guard Dog.”)
• Is your idea original or at least an original twist on an old idea?
• Did your main story idea develop directly from the personality of your main hero (or
out of the personality of one of the other lead characters)?
• If this series contains a theme, did this character learn something from what
happened?
• In the first paragraph of your premise did you set up your hero, your villain, your
hero’s problem/goal, and what will happen if the goal isn’t reached? Did you hook your reader (the story editor and the other executives) right away?
• Is there exciting action right away? Conflict all the way through the story? • If this is a story idea for children, is it kid-relatable?
• Do we care what happens to the hero?
• Are your characters true to what they are—“in character”? Is your story true to the
show that you’re pitching?
• Is your basic idea visual?
• Is it funny, with a few gags included in the premise? (Even most action shows contain
a few gags.)
• Have you given us enough motivations so that the story seems believable?
• Is the basic structure there: the catalyst, a game plan, major twist/turning point, new
information, another major twist, a major crisis, a critical choice for the hero, the big battle, a build to a climax, resolution of the problem, and hopefully a surprising twist at the end? Is it short enough?
• Did you make your premise fun to read? Does it have style? Is it clear? • Did you use strong verbs? Colorful language?
• Is everything spelled correctly? Is language usage correct? Is it typo-free?
What follows is a premise from Sony’s Jackie Chan Adventures. (Premises are normally double spaced so that editors can add notes.Most companies do not expect entire words to
be capitalized in the premise as Sony does.)
Jackie Chan Adventures © 2003 Sony Pictures Television Inc. Written by David Slack. Story Editor: Duane Capizzi.
JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES “Queen of the Shadowkhan”
(Premise #206)
When JADE’s friend/rival MAYNARD shows up at school sport- ing a cool new TATTOO, Jade deals with the peer pressure by resolving to get a cooler tattoo than HIS. So what if she’s gonna “fake” it: they’ll never know. She picks a GNARLY- LOOKING CHINESE SYMBOL out of one of Uncle’s magic books (e.g., a DRAGON SKULL with crossbones—something real “Harley” looking), and carefully “inks” it onto some rice paper before wetting and pressing it to her arm herself. While Jade thinks her method will create a temporary tattoo, we, however, see that the ink magically “etches” into her skin.
But the kids at school aren’t too impressed, and Maynard reveals his own was a FAKE. Jade storms away, but is a little disturbed to find that she can’t wash it off. Knowing she’d be in trouble, Jade goes through ridiculous pains to hide it from Jackie and Uncle. But that night, Jackie dis- covers Jade’s tattoo and freaks out. Uncle steps in to calm things down, telling Jackie that “in many cultures, tattoos are—AIYAAA!” Uncle sees the SYMBOL that is Jade’s tattoo and freaks worse than Jackie. This is a symbol of great
The Premise 123
evil; who knows what catastrophic effects this tattoo could bring?
These “catastrophic effects” quickly become apparent when Jade is endangered in a SET PIECE BATTLE with the DARK HAND, and the SHADOWKHAN rush to her aid! Afterwards, she tries to tell Jackie about her “rescue,” but he doesn’t believe her.
As Jade gradually figures out, the tattoo has given her control over the Shadowkhan (much to Shendu’s frustration when he attempts to summon them and finds that they’re “busy”). Under her command, they seem innocent enough: i.e., when Jade accidentally summons ninjas at various times, they might follow her to school like lost puppies, in the pure and charming interest of protecting her. But she decides to keep this to herself as well, knowing full well that Uncle and Jackie would freak (Uncle, in the meantime, is still trying to find a potion that will remove the tattoo from Jade’s arm).
Besides, Jade’s using her control over the ninjas for the cause of good; the Enforcers are annoyed/panicked when Jade
sends the ninjas in to kick Enforcer butt. They criticize Shendu/Valmont for losing control over his private army: what will they do now that the Shadowkhan are their enemy? Shendu/Valmont knowingly, mysteriously, and obtusely suggests that they should simply “let things take course. . . .”
When Jackie finds out the truth, he indeed freaks; Jade tries to convince him the ninjas are harmless—clearly, it all depends on the nature of who’s controlling them. But before long, Jade seems to get carried away with being “Queen of the Shadowkhan” as she has them comically waiting on her hand and foot, attending to her comfort. Ultimately, at about the time Uncle devises an “antidote” that should wipe the tattoo from her arm, it becomes clear that Jade is begin- ning to undergo an odd transformation: she has taken to wearing black, and hisses at Uncle and summons Shadowkhan to prevent him from applying the antidote.
Before long, Jade begins to physically resemble the Shad- owkhan—skin turning ninja blue! Jade and her “army of ninjas” run all the agents out of Section 13 and take over the facil- ity as her “palace” (Captain Black tries to prove to his superiors in Washington that “dark forces” have taken control
of Section 13, indicating their surveillance monitors; but Shadowkhan, like vampires, do not photograph). Shendu/Valmont (having learned the location of S13 in ep. #113) comes to pay his respects to the “queen” and persuade her into joining his dark fight: it is good to have a strong ally for one’s cause (Valmont’s presence in Section 13 gives us some Shendu/Valmont character comedy, as Valmont keeps trying to persuade Shendu to “swing by the talisman vault” on the way out; Shendu himself, of course, is focused on his new quest and no longer desires the talismans).
While Shendu makes his pitch, Jackie has to figure out a way to get close enough to Jade to splash Uncle’s antidote/potion on her, and with an army of Shadowkhan guarding her, that ain’t gonna be easy. So Jackie has to go undercover—as a Shadowkhan. After some fun comedy beats as nice-guy Jackie tries to blend in with the sinister Shadowkhan, our hero gets within splashing distance of Queen Jade. But Shendu spots him at the last moment, alerts Jade, and now, things look grim for Jackie: the Shadowkhan grab him, the potion gets spilled. But as Shendu encourages Jade to destroy Jackie, our hero makes a final plea . . . and it gets past all that evil to the goodness that is still in Jade’s heart.
The Shadowkhan release Jackie and attack Shendu/Valmont, who tries to counter-control the ninjas in a battle of wills with Jade; but he loses and flees, just as Tohru comes up and splashes the potion on Jade’s tattoo, which melts it away. Turns out, Uncle gave Jackie a PLACEBO, knowing he’d never make it through the throng successfully. Jade and Jackie have a happy reunion; she gets down on herself about having succumbed to dumb peer pressure at school; Jackie gives her more credit than that, though—if only she had seen herself NOT succumbing to Shendu’s peer pressure.
Exercises
1. Watch at least five episodes of an animated series that you would like to use for your sample script. Take notes on characters, kinds of stories, gags, and so on. Try to find a script from that series on the Internet or from a bookstore that sells scripts. Then write a premise for the series.
2. If you live outside the United States, discuss in class how animated series and the writing process in your country may differ from what is described here.
3. Create a premise for your favorite gag-oriented cartoon.
4. Think of a premise for your favorite on-air action/adventure series. 5. Develop a premise for your favorite animated sitcom.
6. Using the characters and basic idea you developed, write a detailed premise for your student film or Internet short.
7. As a class, create a concept for a group project.
8. Taking those characters that you developed earlier, write one complete premise and several springboards (a short paragraph each). Use these for your original television series bible.
9. Write a logline for your project.
10. Continue work on the concept proposal for your wireless or video game.
11. From your original characters and a theme, take the feature concept you were devel- oping earlier and write a detailed premise.
C H A P T E R