Psychological Impacts: “In my heart and in my head”

In our conversation, I asked each participant how they experienced the impact of violence in their childhoods. Despite the horrific physical abuse endured, almost all participants expressed the psychological harm associated with that abuse as having a greater impact on them than the physical harm itself. For example, asked where he experienced the impacts of the violence in his body, Dan responded, “in my mind. In my mind, not my body” and Dave said, “in my heart and in my head.” Stanley explained that “broken bones and things like that - when you think about that, um, physical pain is not

42 _{Various centres in Canada address addictions, trauma and/or mental health issues. While many} residential treatment facilities address addictions, some treatment centers address underlying trauma and mental health issues, and some provide employment as well as transitional housing assistance.

that hard to deal with. It’s that emotional pain that kills you.” As children, the emotional pain was incomprehensible.

4.2.1. “Mental mindfuck”

Almost all men experienced confusion as they struggled to make meaning of their treatment while developing their own identity. The men articulated many

psychological impacts throughout our discussions, but confusion, or as Andrew referred to it, “the mental mindfuck,” emerged as an overarching theme. During the interviews, childhood confusion was expressed through participants’ verbal expressions, significant pauses, response tokens (e.g., um, uh, hmmm), fidgeting, and other body language. Peter, generally a very articulate man, commented of his own inability to express himself at times, “I’m not explaining it right…Um, I can’t figure out certain words to explain it better” and moments later, “I’m not getting the words that I want to share with you.” Some participants expressed confusion by repeating my question, often more than once, engaging in careful reflection, and through versions of “I don’t know” which scattered our conversations. Paul’s description of his “entire childhood [as] a ‘shit-show’” and Joey’s summary, “My whole childhood, I mean, a lot of the stuff really confused me,” represent the overall perspectives of the men.

Blame-assignment and Blame-worthiness: A Fuzzy Fault-line

When sharing their stories, all but one participant talked specifically about the violence or trauma and the perpetrator(s) of their CPT. However, most of the men (71%) also indicated that as children, they were confused as to who was responsible.

Three men communicated uncertainty as to blame assignment despite their childhood narratives indicating clear responsibility or blame-worthiness. For example, Martin described years of witnessing his father beating his mother and of his father shit- kicking him. He also described his ultimate protection of his mother by beating his father with “baseball bats and shit, [putting] him in the hospital a couple of times.” Yet he explained, “I don’t know who I blamed. I didn’t blame Dad. And I didn’t blame Mom either. I don’t know.”

Many of the men engaged in meaning-making and blame justification, which contributed to their confusion and conflict regarding blame-assignment and blame-

worthiness. Most men felt that the person(s) who physically and/or psychologically abused them was partially to blame, while they also assigned partial blame either to themselves (71%) and/or someone else (40%). For example, Stanley clearly blamed his foster parents for the abuse he endured in their care. However, referring to social

workers and teachers to whom he tried to turn for help, Stanley added, “but also sometimes hatred towards the people that were supposed to take care of you too.” He, and others, also alluded to assigning blame to the community, or society, saying, “I believe at the time that their hand[s] were tied. They couldn’t do nothing because their hands were tied or something” (Stanley). Joey extended this perspective, assigning blame and blame-worthiness to the community:

We were alone against the world was kind of our world view at the time, you know, because we weren’t - nobody was able to provide us with safety. Not as school, not at home, and you know, nobody seemed to care!

As children, almost three-quarters of the men assumed some blame for their physical and psychological abuse. A quarter of the men assigned blame-worthiness to themselves; they felt that they deserved the beatings. To illustrate, Dave insisted that he experienced CPT from witnessing his father’s violence and abuse towards his mother, but regarding his father’s violence towards himself, he insisted:

I did wrong, I got punished. Was it a little excessive? Sure. But you know what? I didn’t get hit for no reason…it wasn’t that he was taking out his aggression on us. When we were wrong we got punished.

Some men explained that they took some blame for the abuse but were confused as to the reason behind it. Alex said, “I thought I did something to bring it on.” Others, rather than remain confused, seemed to create a reason that justified or made meaning by assigning blame-worthiness to themselves. For example, Robert, unclear as to why he was physically abused by his father, made sense by assigning himself blame- worthiness, “The other kids didn’t get it. I got it and I, I don’t know why. Right? I, somehow, I think it was just ‘cause I was hyper. Right?”

In addition to assigning blame and blame-worthiness to themselves, some men also had blame assigned to them. For example, Tom explained that he always felt responsible and that he must be worthy of the blame, “I mean I just always thought I was

a terrible, bad kid and something was wrong with me because why else would this be happening?” He also shared the impact of his step-father assigning blame to him:

[My step-father] and my mom ended up arguing over the years, and you know, he would always blame me. You know, “Your mom and I are going to get divorced because of you.” Right? So, you know, stuff like that just sticks with me. Right? And you know this look of hatred. Right?

As children, two thirds of the men whose fathers or step-fathers physically abused them expressed confusion that arose from blaming their mother, at least

partially, for their father’s violence. Some of them blamed their mother’s weakness, and others experienced confusion arising from their own blame of their mother for permitting the violence to continue:

I know for a while we blamed our mom for staying with him. But other than that, I don’t remember blaming anybody … I had a lot of anger, hostility and hatred toward my dad at times. Um, but I don’t know if I ever blamed him or blamed myself. (Joey)

Some men blamed their mother for allowing the violence, but two said that if the violence was acceptable to their mother, then it must be okay, which presented

confusion for them insofar as attribution of blame or blameworthiness: “My dad must be right. I just felt bad for mom, but you know…if she gave in to it, then it is what it is. That’s how it worked” (Dave). For a few men, confusion arose because their mother, as a victim, seemed to encourage the violence: “I was really surprised at how Mom took the beatings. She would just fucking egg him on…And she was only that tall, right? [She would ask Dad] ‘Is that the best you got?’” (Martin)

As adults, a minority of participants made meaning of their confusion by justifying their mother’s decision, thus reducing her blameworthiness. For example, Tom felt that his mother’s young age when he was born explained her acceptance of violence in his life:

My mom was always good to me… [She would] make everything bearable with the stepdad situation. And my mom was pretty good too, you know, given the circumstances and, you know, of that day and age. Because she was very young when she had me…that was uh, you know, a lot of women in those days that was their only security was to be a housewife. Right? So, she was in that category. Right? So that’s probably why she had to put up with a lot. Because you know, he did make good money. You know, he [worked] so they’ve always made

pretty good money. So, we had a good…as far as a standard of living goes, we were uh, you know, solid middle class. Right?

I found that many men experienced difficulties regarding the meaning of blame- assignment and blameworthiness, with some men guarding against assigning blame either to the abuser or another adult that they needed or loved. For example, a third of the men (35%) equated assignment of responsibility for childhood violence with relinquishing responsibility for their own criminal behaviours. That is, as these men explained the violence that they experienced, they were quick to clarify that they were not assigning blame for their own criminal behaviours. Stanley explained, “I cannot blame the childhood [for] my [criminal] behaviour, because I heard so many people that went through similar things…and they turned out fine.” Stuart, whose parents both died by the time he was 11 years old, struggled with blame assignment and worthiness. He told me:

We got our ass reddened like anyone would back then, and it didn’t turn us into bad people. You know, my [siblings], they’ve never been in trouble with the law in their life, any of them. It’s only been me. So, yeah, you know, it’s not always about that [CPT].

This statement, together with the anger that he directed at his parents is evidence of his confusion:

I was mad at my family, my mom and dad for dying … If I would have had my dad and mom around my whole life through, in my younger years, maybe I would have been different.

Other men guarded their assignment of blame-worthiness through intonation, body language, or behaviour. To illustrate, Ed’s finger tapping43 _{told me that assigning}

blame to his mother rather than his father, and even to his brother as an instigator of his father’s abusive behaviour, may constitute a guarded decision for him, which he

cautiously protected against scrutiny. Dave’s intonation, eye contact and stiff posture also warned me against further discussion as he made clear his father’s blamelessness and his need for a change of topic, “It’s over and done with, but we knew when he got mad and when we were about to get hit, but he never hit us for something that we didn’t do wrong, you know, so… [silence].” Finally, Peter clearly and consistently assigned

43 _{I found finger tapping to be a significant non-verbal interaction for Ed. Ed’s facial expression,} shifting in body language and the certain points of time in our discussions that Ed engaged in finger tapping revealed discomfort, which I interpreted as guardedness.

blame and blameworthiness to his adoptive father for the violence he and his mother experienced, repeatedly expressing his deep love for his mother. However, at one point he also indicated a desire to apologize to his mother for blaming her for both bringing his adoptive father into the home and for the physical and emotional pain that he suffered because of her decision.

Confusion about blame-assignment or blame-worthiness contributed to the men’s perception of themselves as they developed their own identities as boys and men. In some cases, blame-assignment during childhood reduced confusion, while in other cases confusion seemed to be compounded by attempts to understand their circumstances through blame-assignment.

“Damaged goods”

Almost all of the men referred to themselves in terms of “damaged goods” (Stanley) because of their CPT. The men used a variety of terms to explain this

perception, describing themselves, for example, as “a mess” (Alex), or “broken” (Brian), and two considered their suicide attempts in childhood as indicative of themselves as damaged. The most common term, used by 30% of the men in describing themselves, was “crazy.”

For many men being damaged was reflected in their low sense of self-worth. Stanley’s sense of self-worth was demonstrated as he explained, “You feel like dirt all the time,” and as he more simply declared, “I didn’t matter.” Mike, who remembered being taken to psychologists as early as age nine, told me, “I was worried [that psychiatrists] would say that I was crazy.” He explained:

I experienced bed-wetting, and that might be, it might have had something to do with that. Um, that was part of why they were taking me to see the psychiatrist as well. And that was another thing that made me question whether I was sane or not…Like I didn’t want to wet my bed and I didn’t want to wet myself when I was at school, but them [sic] things happened and therefore I thought there must be something wrong with me. And they couldn’t fix it, right? The psychiatrists. And the more of them I seen, the more I thought there’s got to be something wrong because none of these guys can fix me, and they’re the experts!

Peter seemed to feel that he became damaged over time as a result of the abuse, and spoke of self-worth as something that was taken from him:

That’s another part - is the [self] worth part. Cause those were things that were few and far between. You didn’t feel that stuff too much, because you always had it taken from you. And all I could show was hostility towards it quietly, without showing it because then it’s got to be an all-out, I’m getting it.

Shame or humiliation was disclosed as a major contributor to low self-worth for the majority (65%) of men, as illustrated by Stanley:

The shame. The embarrassment. You know, sexual abuse is um, how can I say this? I think no matter what our age is we know that it is wrong. We know that there is something going on here that is wrong. You see? ...I could see how it was, um, a tool. In a sense that uh, maybe that’s the wrong expression, but it was uh, you felt like a tool…you’re basically you’re just a muppet.

For a few, like John, shame arose from “the shame and humiliation of what happened to me,” as well as a feeling that his body betrayed him: “in your mind you know it’s not right, but your body is betraying you. Very confusing.”

Helplessness and powerlessness also contributed to a low sense of self-worth and were pervasive throughout the narratives. For example, John came to believe that “the big people can do whatever they want to you, and there’s nothing you can do,” and Robert shared:

I remember what it was like to be a kid. Right? Looking at big giants … That’s all it was. Right? Is a bunch of big giants strapping me or hitting me … pulling my hair, locking me in closets, or cloakrooms.

In addition to low self-worth, all participants developed emotional confusion in their childhood. Peter explained, “It’s one that uh, it’s like having fear - emotions that you have no understanding of,” and “emotions - that’s one, that’s probably where I had difficulty with things.” For most, “guilt, shame and rage” (Joey) encapsulated their emotional repertoire, and almost all men revealed anger as their primary emotion. To illustrate, Paul described his childhood experience of being an “isolationalist,

purposefully” as providing emotional safety: “I just knew I didn’t like anything, and that I had no emotions other than anger. Different - calm then anger. No in between. And no recognition or understanding of why.” For some the emotional confusion was

overwhelming. Tom said, “I was always, very short fused anger. Right? So, um, I actually thought that I was crazy because, you know, I didn’t realize I was stuffing so much anger.”

A few men told me that they did not find anger or aggression to be prevalent in their childhood but contradicted this belief elsewhere in our discussions. For example, Robert initially said, “I don’t know about anger. I don’t remember anger…I don’t know about anger because if I was angry I would have been violent.” Despite this statement, he later explained:

When I was angry before, I always gave people warning. Like I said, ‘if you don’t got ears to listen, the only thing you understand is violence.’ Right? I guess that’s the way I was raised so I acted that way too.

Although Robert first indicated to me that he did not experience anger or aggression in childhood, his subsequent sharing revealed that anger did form part of his childhood experience.

A minority of the men described fear as their primary emotion. For example, Alex began his narrative:

I remember being afraid all the time, like my father (silence) (throat clearing) my mom occasionally, but uh, yeah. It was mostly based on being afraid and being hit or kicked or punched or thrown down the stairs or something. It’s hard to be a kid when you’re like that. Right? You can’t be a kid.

Some men found ways to release their emotional confusion and regain a sense of power. Peter, for example, found empowerment by “making fun of [his mother’s] victimization” with other kids from his neighbourhood who experienced similar abuse at home. He reflected:

It was something that we’d make jokes about because emotionally we weren’t thinking [about] the damage that was created, but it gave us an outlet there that allowed us not to be consumed by everything.

Many suppressed or were “able to hide those hurtful, those hurtful and harmful feelings” (Brian), describing themselves as quiet and shy “at least until I had a few beers” (Brian, Stuart). A third of the men experienced “black-out periods,” which meant significant portions of their childhoods were “blocked out” of their memory unconsciously. For example, Tom had no memories prior to age nine, and Joey explained:

When I think about it, for me when I think of trauma as a metaphor, when I look back on my life, if you look back on it as a timeline and say, ok these are all your days all lined up, and you try to look down on it from an aerial view? Each trauma comes up like a mushroom cloud. And

it just covers everything else before and after it. And it even makes it hard to recall some of the good stuff. You know what I mean? I know there was some there … Um, you know, times going to the lake and stuff, you know, playing around, but if the trauma doesn’t get resolved, that’s all I can remember. And probably because it’s so powerful, right? Such a heavy emotional charge that it doesn’t let me see anything beyond that.

Some found emotional relief in drugs, alcohol or parties, others through over- achievement in school, sports or work (see Section 4.3.1.), and one participant explained that at the age of 12, “for the first time I felt happy” (Tom) playing a hyperventilation/pass-out game. Ten of the men (60%) said they felt emotional discomfort in situations that were not the negative and violent environments that “had become normal.” John explained:

Like I used to go to my friend’s place for dinner and their dad would