REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU
In this chapter we are going to discuss removing the emotional issues and blocks that might be separating the two of you from each other
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These include the envy, jealousy, and resentments that may be festering in your mind.
The fact is this – your relationship is over for now
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You can either choose to reconcile or move on.
Both choices are the right choices in life.
There is nothing wrong or shameful in moving on
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You are not a loser.
It happens all the time.
You may need to search more in this lifetime for someone who is right for you.
However, if you are reading this book, you probably want to get back together with your ex
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If this is so then you need to pinpoint the issue or issues that are separating you two and deal with them.
What Went Wrong?
First of all you need to figure out where you went wrong
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It is time to take a step back and examine your relationship.
You need to remove your emotions from the facts and take some time to review the great times as well as the lowest times of your relationship.
Keep in mind that when we are hurt we all tend to think in black and white terms
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We either see only good or only bad.
In real life, everything is a mix and when it comes to human behavior and emotions there are many shades of gray.
It is critical to think about the way the two of you where in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship as that is what you must do in order to keep the romance alive
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First of all, it helps to figure out what it was that you found appealing about the person in the first place, and what was appealing about you to him or her
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This means reminiscing about the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship because that is the kind of behavior you have to return to in order to get the person back.
Looking At the Positives
Most of the time romances go stale because the two of you let the daily grind of life suck the romance out of the relationship
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Things probably got stale and dull.
The things that caused you to fall in love in the first place often get buried beneath a mess of chores and obligations.
You need to pull yourself up out of chaos that was created and decide to resurrect those qualities that made you part of a couple in the first place
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This is called “looking at the positives in your relationship
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”What do you think it was about yourself that first attracted your partner’s eye? Was it any of the things listed below?
Did you –
• Both love long walks in nature • Love to read
• Like to travel • Like to exercise
• Enjoy the same movies • Like sports
• Enjoy talking for hours
• Have the same taste in music
• Like the same restaurants and clubs
• Have the same ideas about building a future? • Want to get rich?
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• Like kinky sex
• Want to have or adopt children?
• Share the same moral and spiritual beliefs?
Was there anything besides what is on this list that made you enjoy spending item with one another?
In the beginning of a relationship you want to think about the other person constantly
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Then you became complacent, took the other person for granted and started abusing the very thing that you loved the most.
That is how you ended up splitting up in the first place.
What kinds of things were you thinking about when you first met your partner?
What was that helped build foundation in your relationship
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What is it that madeyou fall in love?
Write down ten things right now that you had in common that made the two of you fall in love
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1. _________________________ 2. _________________________ 3. _________________________ 4. _________________________ 5. _________________________ 6. _________________________ 7. _________________________ 8. _________________________
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9. _________________________
10. _________________________
Looking at the Negatives
Looking at the negative things in your relationship is going to help you create a strategy
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Like anything in life you should look at the pros and cons.
It is the cons in the relationship that built up to the point where the two of you actually had to split.
Sometimes a break up is caused by one large deal breaking issue
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Sometimes it is caused by a buildup of smaller issues that build up until one last straw breaks the camel’s back.
Either way, the two of you can be reunited
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However, before this can happen, you need to objectively look at what might be causing all of this.
What are the problems that you had in your relationship? Resist the urge to be insulting or bring your feelings into it
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For instance, saying that she was a bitch or that he was a man slut is not going to help you heal.
Take every negative thing that happened and rephrase it so it is more courteous
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This helps you be more objective
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Here are some examples:• We had different ideas about commitment • He was ready to settle down but I wasn’t • Our morals were different
• Our spiritual beliefs were different • We had nothing in common
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• We had different ideas about having children • Our values were not the same
• There was a lack of physical attraction • One of us was unfaithful
This is only a partial list of what can go wrong in a relationship and you can add to this list if you need to in order to make sure that you have listed all the cons
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About Infidelity
When it comes to infidelity there might be a few things that you need to think about
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First of all cheating does not happen overnight
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You need to be accountable and figure out if there was anything that you did to cause the problem.
Was there a reason that your partner was dissatisfied and chose to look elsewhere to meet his or her sexual and emotional needs?Were you too busy to have sex? Did you let yourself go? Were you critical of the other person’s appearance? Be honest and accurate in your assessment of what went wrong
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Determine what role you had to play in driving him or her away and accept that it might have been your fault
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Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Instead resolve these things to do better the second time around.
Infidelity is not always about some deficit in your ability to meet the partner’s needs
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Some people are out of control.
The world is full of alcoholics, coke addicts, sex addicts, obsessive compulsives and manic depressives.
It is notalways your fault, but these disorders do mean that you will never be able to trust the individual, ever, in your life
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In that event do you have enough unconditional love within you in order to
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be unfaithful because he or she can’t help it? Is this type of uncertainty, shame and neglect going to suit you for the rest of your life?
These are big questions that you need to ask yourself
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Over the next month while you reassess your relationship, you might want to take a second look at this list to see if you still want to get back together with your ex, or if you want to remove or add any things to help maintain a balance and
objective view of what really happened
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Why Do You Want Your Ex Back?
Now that you’ve looked at some of the pros and cons about your breakup as objectively as possible, take some time to review your list
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When reviewing it, what do you feel? Are you getting in touch with why you may or may not want your ex back
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This list should help you make a wise anddiscerning decision
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It is time to get some perspective
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We all have initial feelings of regret after a break up, but are your reasons solid enough to justify returning to the same person?You are about to put a lot of time and energy into a reunion so make sure it is what you want
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Rationalizations about Break Ups
When we break up with people we tend to rationalize events and tell ourselves lies
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It is because we regret the break up.
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• I can’t go on without him • He was my everything • Without her I have no life • I will never find anyone better
• She was the best thing that ever happened to me • I can’t stand to be alone
• I can change him!
These types of statements are often false
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First of all people do go on and thrive after a break up and often they do meet someone better
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They learn to stand on their own two feet and be happy alone.
They learn that they do not need to be codependent to feel fulfilled
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It is normal to feel any of the statements above, but it is also good to realize that they are also false
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The truth is that you have to make sure that you are okay with yourself before you can be with anyone, including your ex
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You don’t need anybody to be happy.
If you keep thinking that you are incomplete unless you are in a relationship then you will have problems with your ex or any new romances that you might have in the future.
You will not die if you do not get together with your ex
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If your partner was your whole life, then you need to get your own life.
It is okay to move on and have more experiences with other people if you need to.
Good Reasons to Reunite
Now that we have gone over some of the fantasies that people have about getting back together with their exes, it is time to look at some of the good reasons to get back together
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For example, was the decision to break up a rash decision? You might have
decided to break up as the result of a specific problem
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Maybe you haven’t really tried to solve the entire problem.
If you were happy most of the time you were together it might be a good idea not to throw it all away
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All relationships have ups and downs.
Are your expectations realistic? Did you break up because you expected your partner to be perfect? Don’t throw away your relationship because he or she could not live up to some ideal
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If you’re seeking perfection in your partner, you may end up alone and bitter – because we all have faults.
Do you and your ex generally want the same things? Is it possible that you can accept some of his or her negative qualities in order to have the big picture of what you want? Sometimes relationship success is about compromise
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Will Things Ever Be the Same?
“Will things ever be the same” if you do get back together? The point is that you
do not want them to be the same as that is what broke you up in the first place
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A lot of times, a breakup will cause a person to change their entire character (the way they act and behave in a relationship) to something completely different in order to get their lover to come back
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For instance, a person who was previously a book worm might become a sex bomb
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This is all in an effort to play up to what they think the partner wants to see and hear.
But what almost always happens is the second they get the relationship back; they will quickly revert back to their old character again
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People get accustomed to playing certain roles and find it hard to deviate from their original one for long.
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This kind of behavior change usually causes uneasiness and an eventual break up
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The point is that change is good but don’t try to be somebody that you are not.
Sticking to a solid plan (like the one I’ve laid out for you) will help ensure that your ex returns with even more love and respect for you than before.
Making Effective Changes
The most effective changes are usually big changes
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It would be wonderful if it was just a matter of snapping your fingers and suddenly your relationship was loving instead of hateful.
The plain fact is that you cannot change yourself overnight
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You can have dynamic moments that assist you in adjusting your behaviors.
However overall it isimpossible to change yourself to please another
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It is also impossible for your ex to change overnight.
Nobody goes from being the Wicked Witch of the West to the Good Fairy just because you imagine it so or because it is your ideal
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In fact if you want your ex back, the key words to making it work might be unconditional love and compromise not idealism and noble retribution
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Change takes patience.
Do you have it?The other big rule of relationships is that you cannot change the other person
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You can only change yourself.
Are you willing to make those changes to your own character so that you can live up to someone else’s ideals?
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Reassessing Your Goals
You need to look at your goals in life and those that you’re ex holds dear, and ask if they are synchronous
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If not, a reunion with your ex might just take you down a long road of misery and unhappiness in which what you really want is always sacrificed for someone else’s needs.
You need to look at your relationship with a super sharp critical eye and decide if it’s what you really want and need for your future
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Is your ex the person of your dreams or is this all about “not losing” in life?You have probably heard that phrase “it is better to stay with the Devil You Know, rather than go with The Devil You Don’t
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” Sometimes fear of the unknown is what makes you want to stay with your ex.
Are you mourning the loss of a person or the fleshy equivalent of a security blanket
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It does not hurt to see other people when you are breaking up with your ex
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It will give you more of a cooling off time so you can determine if you really want to get back together or if you are actually ready to see each other.
Love and Hate Have Equal Weight
There is a fine line between love and hate and in relationships they have equal weight
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They are not opposites.
The opposite of love is complete indifference.
This distinction can really help you accurately assess where you stand and how hard it might be to get your ex back into your life.
The same ex that was telling you how they could not live without you is telling you one week later that they hate you
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That is how thin that line is.
That is evidence of passion and evidence that you might still be able to get back together.
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Indifference means the person is just not there for you emotionally any more
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The passion is gone and it might be harder to get together.
If you’ve decided that your relationship is worth fighting for, then please continue to read this book
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In the following chapters, you’ll learn how to take care ofyourself, formulate a plan, open the lines of communication with your ex, and get back together
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Once you’ve been able to achieve reconciliation, you’ll also learn some strategies for protecting your relationship from further breakups
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Taking care of yourself is the first step to taking care of your relationship
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It’s also the first step toward getting back into love.
Twelve Ways to Blow It
When you break up you are in mental pain which means it is easy to blow your attempts to reconcile by doing ANY of the things below
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1. Failing to stay away
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While it may seem wrong, distance from your ex is absolutely required or everything else you do will fail.
Stop calling, stop talking to mutual friends and avoid seeing him or her in person.
2. Being too understanding
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Never tell your ex things like “I will wait for you.
” Reward only those behaviors you want more of and ignore those that you want to go way.
Obviously, the very act of breaking up with you is faulty conduct and by being kind you are showing that you approve of it.
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3. Bending over backwards to get your lover back
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Being sweet as pie oftengets you eaten alive! If he or she takes you back you will have no power in the relationship and be taken for granted
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4. Acting too needy
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Showing neediness is one of the biggest killers of attraction and must be avoided at all costs.
5. Losing your temper
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Not being in control of your emotions, including your anger, is another major mistake.
If someone knows how to push yourbuttons they also know how to manipulate you
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To get your ex back you must be in control of your emotional state and be the one who chooses which emotions you display and at which times.
6. Refusing to date other people
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Never underestimate the power ofjealousy
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Your ex will feel more jealous of you if you are dating.
The best case scenario is if you keep it a secret and she finds out through other sources.
If you don’t flaunt it, it makes you really powerful.
The only time you should bring up your exploits in conversation is if you are asked directly by your ex.
7. Not having a detailed plan
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Without a detailed plan for getting your ex back other people and your emotions can cloud your judgment.
A plan helps you stay consistent with your original intent.
8. Not having a strategy to deal with emotional pain
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When you are in pain your self-esteem is low and you don to feel well.
You make emotional mistakes and risk presenting yourself to your ex in a light that is not quite accurate.
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9. Allowing yourself to stay “stuck”