Content Standards: PS.S.9.9 Students will understand safety and survival skills and apply coping strategies.
Competencies: Students will…)
PS.C.9.9.05 Identify and apply positive relationship and safe dating practices. PSD.C.9.9.04 Identify appropriate resources available to young adults to help them
address stressors and conflicts common to young adults (e.g. parents, crisis hotlines, school counselors).
GOAL: Students will identify and apply positive relationship and safe dating practices and resources to get help when concerns arise.
Activity Statements:
Students will be able to tell the difference between a healthy relationship and one that could put them in jeopardy.
They will explore indicators of potential violence (physical, emotional and sexual) and develop strategies for dealing with a situation.
Materials:
1. Handout 1 – Violence Cycle 2. Handout 2 – Violence Wheel 3. Handout 3 – Personal Plan
4. Handout 4 – I think I may be abusive…what can I do? 5. Handout 5 – Dating Bill of Rights
Opening Statement:
Relational and dating violence is no laughing matter. If not stopped early, dating aggression can turn into a life time of domestic violence or even death. An average of two domestic homicides occurred in many states each month not to mention multiple cases of physical abuse that occurs daily. The intent of this lesson is to help both the potential abuser and victim recognize and stop the cycle of domestic violence. Procedures:
1. Present the ABC’s of a healthy relationship - http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/define/ - awareness, balance and conscious choices
2. Use Handouts 1 and 2 to identify the indicators of violence in a relationship. Students will develop a plan of action when concerns arise.
3. Distribute and have students complete Handout 3.
5. Divide students in groups and ask them to discuss what they learned from the handouts.
6. Following small group discussion, have group discussion using the following questions as a guide for a personal plan.
7. Instruct students to work independently on a personal plan for dating safely. 8. Instruct students to keep handouts for future reference.
Discussion:
1. What behaviors might indicate that you are engaged in an unhealthy relationship? 2. How would you know if the relationship has a problem?
3. If you notice one or more of these indicators in your relationship, what should you do?
4. Where could you go to get help in dealing with a problem? 5. Is possessiveness about control or love? Why or why not? 6. What is the major cause of domestic violence?
7. Name some of your personal rights in a dating relationship. 8. Name some of your responsibilities in a relationship.
9. What are some rights and responsibilities that weren’t listed or discussed? Additional Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline www.ndvh.org
Cycle of Abuse http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/ Turning Point Services
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20- 20Cycle%20of%20Violence.htm
Domestic Violence Help Guide :
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm
Dating Violence Guide http://www.acadv.org/dating.html Extension Activities:
Recommend to students: Duplicate handouts and share “privately” with friends or family you feel may benefit. Identify the agencies in your area that provide services to individuals who find themselves in an unhealthy or dangerous relationship such as domestic violence centers, family refuge centers, crisis centers and other local support agencies. The list could include school counselors, teachers, medical doctors, family members or other professionals as sources of help.
SAFE DATING/HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS - Handout 1: Violence Wheel The chart below is a way of looking at the behaviors that abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is used to gain power and control over another person. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors.
Abuse is never a one-time event.
This chart uses the wheel to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each part shows a way to control or gain power.
SAFE DATING/HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS - Handout 2
The Cycle of Violence includes 3 stages: 1. The Tension Building Stage 2. The Violent Episode
3. The Absence of Violence Stage
Domestic violence increases in frequency and severity. It is never an isolated incident or a one-time occurrence. Resource:
Safe Dating/Healthy Relationships Handout 3
Personal Plan for Dealing with Unhealthy Relationships
• How would I know if I am involved in an unhealthy relationship?
___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________
• If I have a concern with an action or behavior in a relationship, what would be the first step?
___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ • Where would I go for help with the problem?
___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ • What would I do to protect myself from unhealthy behaviors?
___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________
SAFE DATING/HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS - Handout 4 I think I may be abusive ... what can I do?
Am I abusive?
If you are not quite sure whether your actions could be considered abusive or not, read through the Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality and search your heart. Are any of those actions or attitudes ones you tend towards? You may also find it helpful to read the article by John Stibbs on healthy and unhealthy relationships: Emotional Boundaries. Does your relationship tend more towards a healthy or an unhealthy one?
Maybe you could ask yourself some of the following questions:
• Would you treat your boss, mate or next-door-neighbor the same way as you do your partner?
• If someone else were treating your daughter, son, brother, sister or friend the same way as you treat your partner, would you consider it okay or not?
• Has your partner told you that your behavior is unreasonable or abusive?
• Has your partner either left you or threatened to leave you if you don't stop being nasty to her/him?
• Have previous relationships gone ended due to your behavior?
If you have answered NO to either of the first questions, and YES to any of the last three, then the chances are pretty high that you are abusive towards your partner.
On taking Responsibility
First of all, if you have realized that some of your actions and attitudes towards your partner may be abusive, you have already made a very important step toward change and being able to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship. Well done! It is difficult and painful to realize that you may be hurting someone you love, but it is the first step towards change.
The only person who can make a difference is YOU! One of the main problems with repeat abusers and perpetrators is denial of the abusive nature of their actions and attitudes, and denial of any 'real' effect on their victims. Acknowledging to ourselves that we have a problem, or that we are hurting someone we love is very, very difficult and painful, and many people can never quite admit it to themselves.
A lot of abusive behaviors are ingrained, they may have been part of your personality and coping mechanism since childhood, and they are difficult not just to recognize, but also to crack. Nobody else can do that for you, you have to take responsibility for your actions yourself - fully. This means recognizing when you are saying something hurtful or doing something harmful to your partner; learning to recognize your reactions within yourself, how you feel when you get wound up, how you feel after an abusive episode; the thoughts and excuses you make to yourself to allow you to deny you are really doing anything wrong. Ask yourself some of these questions:
• Do you regularly vent your frustration on your partner?
• Do you tell yourself that your partner is overreacting to 'being told off'?
• Do you tell your partner they are 'making a fuss about nothing' or 'making a mountain out of molehill'?
• Do you tell yourself what you do is not that bad and that so-and-so would be far worse? • Do you think that if your partner just didn't 'wind you up on purpose' then the abuse
would not happen?
• Do you tell yourself that your partner deserved the abuse, because they are not perfect either?
• Do you tell yourself that because you only get nasty when you are drunk it isn't really the same as if you were really abusive?
If you answered YES to any of the above, you may still not be taking full responsibility for your actions. It may be a good idea to discuss the abuse, your feelings about it and attitudes towards your partner with a third person, preferably someone not involved with either of you, such as a counselor or help line volunteer.
Where can I get help?
There are several Perpetrator Programs available and many of these accept self-referrals. To my knowledge, there are none at present that cater for female perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, but there are several counselors and other professionals who are qualified to do so. The local police and/or health department or women’s bureau can provide you with a full list of either programs or professionals in your area.
To find out what these Perpetrator Programs entail, please check out the title locally or on the web and also has some details and some personal stories and impressions from men and women who have been involved in such programs.
If you are facing prosecution for violence towards your partner, the Court has got the option of referring you to such programs, and there are further programs organized and run by the Probation service - though these do not usually take self-referrals. Attendance at one of these will often be included if you are on probation.
In a similar fashion, your local Social Services should have details of any perpetrator programs or related services in your area, and are also able to refer.
Things which are not recommended
If violence has been, and especially if it currently still is an issue in your relationship, then
Couples Counseling is not recommended nor is Mediation. Basically the abuse itself has to be dealt with BEFORE any form of joint counseling or mediation can be effective
In the past Anger Management courses have been recommended for abusers, especially men who have been violent towards their female partners. However, more and more research seems to be indicating that such courses are not effective in dealing with abusive behavior as such, as abuse is less about being able to control anger, and more about basic attitudes and control issues. In short, anger management may be part of the problem, but is usually not either the main problem or the root cause of Domestic Abuse.
Will getting help 'save' my relationship?
It may, or it may not. Often by the time the perpetrator realizes he or she has a problem, too much has already happened and the trust cannot be rebuilt. Sadly a lot of men will refer themselves to perpetrator programs in a bid to stop their partner from leaving or even in a bid to persuade her to come back and give it another try. If you are seeking help with the sole intention of keeping or regaining a partner who has decided to leave due to your abuse, then you are probably approaching it with the wrong motives - more as a tool to get or keep what you want than as a necessary change in yourself.
Perpetrator programs or counseling can really only help if YOU want to change. You may have to accept that due to your behavior you have lost the person you love, but at the very least you can try to ensure that you do not cause more pain and hurt to the next person you get involved in.
Resource: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/abusive_help.htm Resource: http://apps.leg.wa.gov/WAC/default.aspx?cite=388-60
Personal Plan
I have the following tendencies towards domestic violence. 1.
2. 3. 4. 5.
I will stop the following behaviors: 1.
2. 3. 4. 5.
I will use the following resources to help me. 1.
2. 3.
Who can I turn to for help when things aren’t going well? 1.
2. 3.
SAFE DATING/HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS - Handout 5 Dating Bill of Rights I have the right...
G To ask for or refuse a date
G To be treated with respect ALWAYS G To be in a healthy relationship G To be treated as an equal
G To keep my body, feelings, beliefs and property to myself G To set my own limits and stick to my values
G To suggest activities on a date
G To have my own friends and activities apart from my boyfriend or girlfriend G To have my own feelings and to be able to express them without fear
G To say I think my date's information is wrong or their actions are unfair or inappropriate.
G To ask someone not to interrupt me G To have my limits and values respected G To tell my date when I need affection G To refuse affection
G To be heard
G To refuse to lend money
G To refuse sex with anyone just because they took me out on an expensive date G To refuse sex at any time for any reason
G To say no for any reason G To leave a relationship
I have the responsibility...
G To communicate clearly and honestly G To ask for help when I need it
G To be considerate of others
G To check my actions & decisions and determine whether they are good for me or bad for me
G To set high goals
Resources: Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc. http://www.chooserespect.org/scripts/teens/rights.asp
GRADE 9 LESSON 28: SAFETY AND SURVIVAL SKILLS