Virginia devised four categories of behaviour that she identified as being responsible for many family conflicts, and one that can be used to resolve conflict and bring people together.
Distracter
Distracters seek attention to compensate for their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. The positive intention behind their behaviour is to protect them from facing up to things. Distracting behaviour includes removing a hair from your jacket lapel while you are talking, sabotaging a conversation by making a joke, interrupting a conversation, frequently changing the subject. There are many other types of distracting behaviour that people use to deflect attention from a subject that may be reminding them of their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. Distracter patterns are usually learned early in life when you are at your most vulnerable to what is happening around you. At the time, the pattern is like a coping strategy, but it can become a long-term habit. Luckily we know how to break habits.
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example
Derek was a forthright person with lots of confidence and intelligence. He was a senior director with a retail company and was getting squeezed out by other directors because they said that he was ‘far too arrogant’. He had
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developed a habit of kicking or throwing around any small items within his reach. It was as if he were releasing some negative energy as a response whenever he felt that he wasn’t being listened to or acknowledged, as if to say ‘Hey, I’m here, can you watch me now.’
Derek was astounded at the number of years he had been holding on to this pattern and, after coaching, realised that it was no longer required. He was then able to relax and respond in a more mature way without needing to be the centre of attention.
Placater
The placater is out to please – talking in an ingratiating way, never disagreeing and always seeking approval. Feelings of an inability to cope alone create a martyr or ‘yes man’ (or woman!) A placater is often the first person to accept the blame when things go wrong.
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example
Jenny just couldn’t stop herself from saying ‘Sorry’ at the beginning of almost everything she said. It was such a habit, that it just popped out all the time – ‘Sorry for asking, but . . .’ or ‘Sorry, did you want to use this?’ or ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn’t think to ask, I hope you’re not upset, I’m ever so sorry.’ Jenny would say sorry for entering a room, sorry for being in the way and sorry for watching the ‘wrong’ channel on television.
Blamer
Blamers find fault, never accepting responsibility themselves, always blaming someone or something else. They feel unsuc- cessful and lonely. They often suffer from high blood pressure and come across as aggressive and tyrannical. They will tell you what is wrong with things and whose fault it is and, in doing so, become powerless to do anything about it. By
blaming external factors, they have absolved themselves of responsibility.
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example
Damian had a set way of doing things. He appeared outspoken and stubborn to those who knew him. The combination of away from and procedural metaprogrammes caused him to ‘know’ the right way to do things and he would blame those who disagreed when things didn’t go his way.
Computer
Computer-like behaviour is that which is very correct and proper, but displays no feeling. The voice is dry and monotone and the body often very still and precise in its movements, which are minimal, masking a feeling of vulnerability.
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example
Jo had worked with computers for a long time. Her main means of communication was via e-mail and she became awkward when in the company of others. Consequently, she remained as still as possible, speaking only when spoken to and her movements were controlled and deliberate.
Leveller
This is the category to be in. Levellers have few threats to their self-esteem. Words, voice tone, body movements and facial expressions all give the same message. Levellers apologise for an action, not for existing. They have no need to blame, be sub- servient, retreat into computer behaviour or be constantly on the move.They are great communicators and have the ability to build bridges in relationships, heal impasses and build self-esteem.
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The leveller’s response is a real-time, congruent response. All the other responses are the result of negative internal feelings causing words and actions to be incongruent. It is very easy, under pressure, to respond to a situation with, ‘It’s not my fault’ or ‘I’m sorry, it’s my fault again’ or laugh inappropriately or show no emotion at all.These behaviours don’t allow you to seek out rational solutions. The leveller’s response is the most effec- tive behaviour for solving problems creatively.
Levellers:
G look for solutions
G have a conscious, positive intention behind everything they do
G hold strong positive beliefs about themselves and others
G operate from strong personal values
G store positive mind images
G are flexible in their behaviour when communicating with others
G establish rapport before trying to influence.
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example
Kieran was the chief executive of a pharmaceutical company. His team had a high level of respect for him due to his ability to be straight and honest with them. He was able to drive the business, admit when he made a mistake, recognise ideas and ability in others and have fun while keeping a cool head.
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tip
Be careful what you think – it can so easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
All these attributes can be learnt via NLP using the techniques in this book.