Now that you understand how to set up automatic “attraction systems” you need to know what to say and do when they approach you.
For a long time I was really good about getting women to approach me, but really bad about continuing the interaction. I’d fall into “nice guy mode” or fail to set up a meeting, and they’d walk out of my life forever.
It is not enough to simply get them to approach you. You must deepen the attraction, collect their contact information, and set up a “private meeting.”
If she’s approached you, she’s attracted to you. If she wasn’t she wouldn’t approach you… it’s as simple as that.
However, you’re still a ways from closing the deal. You’ve completed the first step, but now you have to complete several more steps, depending on your desired outcome. Here are the steps you need to complete:
1. Testing her to make sure she’s the type of woman you want to spend time with
2. Setting up a private meeting, usually a coffee date
3. Getting her contact information (note that this step comes AFTER you get her to commit to a private meeting)
4. Taking the necessary steps to make sure she doesn’t “flake” AND she shows up on time.
Let’s start with Step #1. To me, this is the most important step of the entire process. I want to immediately start with the frame that I’m testing her, not the other way around. She needs to prove herself to me, not me to her. She needs to impress me, not the other way around.
It’s very important you get clear on what type of women you want to spend time with. Think about it—make a list of characteristics, both mental and physical that she must possess in order to spend time with you. That way you won’t waste even one second on a woman you won’t be happy with.
You want to be able to quickly disqualify those who don’t measure up to your standards so you can spend time with those who do. You want to spend time with
“Grade A” prospects, not “Grade F” suspects.
Here’s a list of what a woman must have before I’ll spend any significant amount of time with her. If even one thing on this list is missing, I’m on to someone who does have these qualities.
1. She must be in great physical shape, and actively take care of her body.
2. She must be intelligent enough to hold a conversation with me.
3. She must be a bright, fun cheerful woman with a positive outlook on life.
4. She must take responsibility for her own actions.
5. She must be sexually open and adventurous, and be able to separate sex from relationships. This to me, is very important.
6. She must be independent and want a man to complement her, not “complete her.”
7. She must not have any “baggage,” emotional hang-ups, or create drama in my life. I’ve got enough of my own problems to solve without trying to solve someone else’s.
I’m very adamant about any woman I spend time with having all these qualities.
Every time I’ve let one of these slide, I’ve had problems.
When do I start “testing” to see if she has these qualities? Immediately. I can’t find out all of them at once, but I can find out enough to know if she’s worth inviting for a cup of coffee. On the coffee date I pretty much find out the rest.
The first thing I do is look at her to see if she works out, if she carries herself well. When she approaches me, I smile at her to see if she reciprocates and smiles back.
Now, when I smile at her, it’s not with a big dopey grin. Rather it’s a playful, mischievous smile that makes her wonder what I’m thinking. I want her to think I’m a
“playful little boy” in a man’s body, thinking naughty thoughts. I do this with a playful, slightly seductive smile. If she returns it, then I know things are going well. Most of the time they smile right back.
When I see her smile back, I say, “Hi, I’m John as, you know. And you are…?”
If she pulls it away (and some do, it’s a reflex) I continue talking to her and smiling. I’ll usually start with “small talk” asking her questions about our current
environment. If she saw me speak, I’ll ask her “So did you enjoy my presentation? What did you enjoy most about it?” I always ask a question I know she’ll say “yes” to, and I always follow it up with an open-ended question that gets her talking about herself. And then I shut up and listen to her.
If I met her because she saw an article about me, I’ll ask her what she enjoyed most about the article. If an “authority figure” introduced us, I’ll ask her, “What do you enjoy most about working for so-and-so?”
The point is, I’m asking her questions that get her to open up and talk about herself. And I’m listening intently to what she says and how she says it. Does she continue to smile? Do the structures of her answers indicate she has something going on between her ears, or is she s a very “surfacey” person?
If she strikes me as an intelligent woman, I’ll start building real rapport with her.
One of my favorite questions is, “What’s your passion, what are you into?”
This, for me, is a make or break question. If she doesn’t understand the question, or isn’t passionate about anything, then I’m probably not interested. I like women who are passionate. If she says something like, “Oh, I really enjoy ‘adventure racing’ or ‘I love hockey’” then I’ll ask her, “Hey that’s pretty exciting. What about “X” excites you?”
See, what I want to do is get her talking about things she has emotional ties to, things she’s passionate about. Why? Because then she’ll begin to open up to me, and reveal things about herself that she only reveals to those who are very close to her.
Once she does this, I know she’s made the decision to trust me. Why? Because people only reveal personal things to those they trust. Once she tells me something personal, by definition she trusts me.
As she talks about what she’s passionate about, I listen intently for themes and subjects she has an emotional attachment to. Maybe she’s a little more animated when she’s talking about one thing than she is when talking about something else.
As soon as she mentions something she obviously has a deep attachment to, I ask her an open ended question about that subject.
I’ll give you an example. I was at a seminar where I was briefly introduced from the stage. I didn’t speak, but the host let it be known I was somebody the audience should get to know. Sure enough a cute red-head I had my eye on came up and talked to me. I shook her hand and continued holding onto it. After a little bit of chit-chat we went to the hotel lounge to sit down and continue the conversation. (All I said to her to do this was, “Hey, I’m tired of standing, let’s go sit down somewhere.” And then I took her by the hand and led her to the lounge.)
She was pretty “into” her business, so I continued talking with her about that.
Although she was passionate, she didn’t really reveal anything personal. So… here’s what I said, “Wow you really sound like you’re passionate about business. Is there anything else in your life you are equally passionate about?”
Guys, this is a deadly question. If she’s excited about something, but you’re not learning much about her, you need to shift her excitement to a more useful subject.
She’ll still maintain the emotional state, but on a different subject.
When I asked her this question, she thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’m pretty passionate about my daughter.” Here’s what I said: “Hey every mother certainly is proud of their daughter, but I’m curious: what about your daughter do you most enjoy?”
She smiled and said, “Well, there’s lots of things, I guess, but she really has a great smile. Would you like to see a picture of her? I have one I’ve never shown to anyone else, but I’ll show it to you if you want to see it.”
Right then and there I knew I “had her.” She had just made the decision to “trust me” by saying she would show me something she’d never shown anyone else. This is an example of what I mean when I say to look for her to reveal things she only reveals to very close friends. When you hear that, you know she’s made the decision to trust you, sleep with you, hang out with you, whatever. This is the signal I’m looking for.
All I had to do with her was talk to her about her daughter for a few more minutes, and then say, “Hey, why don’t we go someplace a bit more private where we can talk without all these people around us.” Then without waiting for an answer I took her hand, and led her to the elevator. Hell, she led me.
OK, back to work. Once I’ve got her talking about something she is passionate about and I can tell she’s at least worth a coffee date to find out more about, I have a decision to make. Can I take her somewhere more private then and there, or do I need to meet up with her in the future?
If the opportunity exists for me to take her elsewhere right then, I take it. She’s in the moment, she’s just approached me, she’s talking about something she’s passionate about—she’s in a good emotional state. So I simply say, “Hey listen, this isn’t the best place in the world to talk… why don’t we continue this conversation elsewhere. I’m in the mood for coffee (or I’m thirsty, or I’m tired of standing… the reason doesn’t really
Now, you must lead her to a “safe place.” If you say, “let’s go to my bedroom”
she’ll probably put a stop to that. It’s too soon (usually, although there are occasionally exceptions!).
If there’s no way for us to continue the conversation somewhere else, then I get her to commit to a second meeting right there. I do NOT ask for her phone number.
Nice guys ask for phone numbers. Do this, and she’ll think you’re a nice guy.
What I say is this, “Hey listen. I’ve enjoyed speaking with you, but I’ve gotta go.
You strike me as a fun and intelligent woman and I’d enjoy continuing this conversation in the future. What’s the best way to make sure we can continue this conversation in the near future?”
Then I shut up and wait for her answer. Sometimes she’ll say, “I don’t know what do you suggest?” She’s looking for a powerful answer when she asks this. What I say is this: “Let’s get together for an hour or so over coffee and continue this
conversation then. What works for you, Time 1 or Time 2?” Almost always they’ll agree to a time, or suggest another time and place. Then I’ll say, that’s great, I’ll meet you at “Time and Place.”
However, this is not enough. You have to make sure she doesn’t change her mind or flake on you when the emotions of the moment wear off. Here’s what I say to prevent this: “I’ll be there at exactly X time. Now you should know I’ll be there exactly on time, maybe even a few minutes early. Being on time for others is important to me—it’s a sign of respect. Can I count on you to be at Time and Place at Time?” I say this with a grin, but there’s seriousness behind the grin. I can’t stand people who show up late and I let her know it.
Before I started doing this, I had problems with late-shows and flaking. After I started doing this, they started showing up on time. The words “can I count on you to do X” are deadly. People want to be known as someone others can count on. Once I started using these words, women started showing up when they said they would. Imagine that.
Before I let them go, I do one more thing: I get her contact information. And I call it that: contact information. Not a phone number, but contact information. Nice guys ask for phone numbers… bad boys exchange contact information.
Here’s what I say, “My on time rate is pretty dang good, but every now and then something happens and I might be a bit late. If on the extremely rare chance something does happen, I need to let you know so I you don’t think I’m rude or a flake. So let’s do this, let’s exchange contact information, and on the off chance something happens, I’ll let you know. Here’s my cell and email.”
Then I pull out a piece of paper and a pen (which I always carry), and write my first and last name, cell phone number, and email address on a the top half of the paper. I tear the paper in half, give her what I just wrote, plus the bottom half of the paper AND
the pen. What do you think she does in return? She writes her first and last name on the piece of paper along with her cell phone and email address. Then she hands it back to me. It happens every time. If you’ve ever read Cialdini’s book, “Influence, the
Pyschology of Persuasion” you’ll recognize this as “reciprocity” and “commitment and consistency.”
Then what I do is this: I read what she’s written back to her, and ask her if it’s correct. I ask her if I pronounced her last name correctly and I verify that her phone number and email address are correct. Then I have her do the same. This insures that we both have the correct contact information, and gets her to mentally validate her interest.
Then I say one last thing before I turn and walk away. “Hey, it’s been great talking to you… I’ll see you at X O’clock sharp, at time and place, correct?”
Once she verifies this, I’m out of there. The only other thing I do is show up at the time and place we agreed upon. I always try to set this meeting for as soon as
possible, usually in the next day or two. The further out it gets the more likely they are to forget about it.
Here’s what I never do. I never call them to confirm. This gives her an out. If during the initial conversation she says to call her to confirm, I tell her absolutely, no way. “My time is very valuable, and I only spend it with those who can be sure they will keep their commitments. If you aren’t sure of that time, then tell me one you are sure of.
If you’re not sure of any, then perhaps you and I shouldn’t get together.” If she won’t commit, I take it away from her. Usually this gets her to commit. Oftentimes she’s just testing me to see if she can get away with any bullshit. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I do not put up with that type of behavior… save it for the nice guys.
Never, ever, get yourself into a situation where you agree to call and confirm with her. This is nice guy behavior. Don’t set your schedule around her, she should set hers around yours. Bad boys don’t call to confirm… they expect a woman to keep her word, or they’ll find one that will. Never, ever call to confirm. Either get a firm yes, or a firm no. That way you’ll spend your time with high quality prospects, not a bunch of women who think you’re a “nice guy.”
I also always ask them to join me for coffee. Never for dinner, rarely for lunch.
Dinner is like a date, and I absolutely, positively don’t want them to think we’re on a date. Nice guys go on dates. Bad boys start someplace safe, but who knows where they’ll end up.
Coffee’s cheap as well—here in Austin I pay $1.84 for a 20 oz cup of coffee at Starbucks.
I don’t like to meet at bars or for happy hour, but occasionally I’ll make an exception. The reason I don’t like bars is, they are loud, smoky, and there’s a chance we may run into some of her friends. That’s not something I want to happen… I want it to be me and her in a quiet place where we can both talk.
Here’s when I make an exception: if we get to talking during the initial meeting, and she tells me that she’s “had fun” after she goes to a particular bar, then I’ll take her there. She associates going to that particular place with going home with a guy… who am I to argue with that?
I very vividly remember an instance where I met an attractive girl over the internet. She read my profile (the one in the Free Bonus Report) and emailed me. We talked, and agreed to go to the Humane Society together… she wanted to see about getting a dog.
She met me at my place, and we drove the animal shelter. It was awkward at first, but things lightened up as we went along. We started telling “party stories” (I’ll tell you how to do this in a later chapter) and I noticed she mentioned a local bar in each of them.
She’d also follow it up with, “I can’t tell you what happened after that!” What I picked up on was, every time she went to this bar, she went home with the guy she went with.
So, we went back to my apartment, had a little bit of wine (her stories always started with her having wine—that’s why I offered some), and then I said, “Hey, let’s go to this bar… it’ll be fun!” So we went to the bar, and replayed what always happened when she went to that bar.
Whenever they tell me a story like that, I just duplicate the events of that story.
This is called “utilizing her strategy”—all that means is, if she did it once, she’ll do it again.
This is the only time I’ll go to a bar or have alcohol on the first meeting. If they don’t give you a compelling reason why you should meet at a bar, then meet for coffee.
It’s the safest, cheapest thing you can do. If you’re having a great time at coffee, yeah, then you can go for drinks IF she reveals alcohol brings out the bad girl in her… if not, I don’t introduce alcohol into the equation. It’s too expensive anyways. Why spend money on booze when a coffee meeting will do.
So… I always recommend meeting her for coffee if you can’t get her to go
So… I always recommend meeting her for coffee if you can’t get her to go