SELECT YOUR GOALS FOR CHANGE

Goals are the desired outcomes or results that you want for yourself. Though goal-selection may seem relatively easy to do, there are a number of difficulties to watch out for. These include:

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Identifying a goal which is outside of your control, such as ‘I want my partner to stop taking me for granted’. In this example, you want someone else to change rather than yourself. You have given your partner the power to achieve your goal, and what happens if he is not interested in it? To bring the goal back within your control, you need to ask yourself what you can start doing (e.g. learning to be assertive) in order to bring to your partner’s attention your dissatisfactions. Your new approach may then influence him in making constructive changes in his own behaviour towards you.

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Selecting short-term or ‘quick fix’ goals which do not address the underlying problems. In the above example, you may decide to put up with his behaviour in order ‘to let sleeping dogs lie’ and thereby avoid rows and uncomfortable silences in the house. The real unarticulated problem might be your anxiety about antagonizing your partner and him eventually leaving you as you fear living alone. If you were able to imagine yourself coping resourcefully with living alone

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term goal) this might then encourage you to persist in trying to reform your present relationship. Also, if you remove the fear of living alone you will not bring this inhibiting and self-defeating attitude into your next relationship.

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Stating your goal in negative terms such as ‘I don’t want to keep on feeling unconfident’. How do you want to feel then? Getting rid of something means putting something else in its place otherwise you will be changing in a vacuum.

So you might say, ‘I want to feel more confident’, and then start discovering and implementing what is required of you to reach and maintain this positive goal.

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Selecting unrealistic goals which are outside of your capabilities such as ‘I must be competent at all times’. Such a perfectionistic goal denies your human fallibility, and it is likely to cause you considerable distress when not realised and confirm in your mind that you are incompetent. A more realistic goal may be to increase your level of

competency in specific areas and establish benchmarks to evaluate your progress.

Other unrealistic goals may be ones that are inconsequential or too low, established to avoid experiencing failure (Cormier and Cormier, 1985). For example, you may select just getting a ‘pass’ in your exam rather than striving for higher grades: ‘Unfortunately, the result is usually as inconsequential as the goal itself and often feels like a ‘‘hollow victory” with no sense of accomplishment’ (Cormier and Cormier, 1985:224). If you want to produce a good performance or even a personal best, then select difficult goals rather than easy ones: ‘this follows from the fact that people direct their behaviour towards goal achievement, so that difficult goals produce more effective behaviour than easy ones’ (Arnold et al., 1995:220–221).

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Feeling calm or unmoved in the face of negative life events. This stoical stance may seem initially desirable but presumably your real intention is to tackle constructively such negative events rather than let your world fall around your ears. Being stoical may be appropriate while facing the dentist’s drill, but not if you are unemployed and need to get a job to pay the mortgage.

• Stating your goals in general instead of specific terms, e.g. ‘I want to feel happier’ vs ‘I want to lose two stone in weight’.

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The general goal is based on vague yearnings while the specific goal is precise and focused and enables you to shape your behaviour (e.g. diet, exercise) to attain it. Also, achieving your target weight is one step closer to feeling happier;

adding more specific goals to your list (e.g. going on adventure weekends and singles’ holidays) may eventually bring you the general goal that several months earlier seemed just a pipe dream. Breaking a general goal into specific ones provides you with an action plan for change.

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Setting goals that may conflict with your ethical standards. For example, you may believe that trust is the basis of a loving and enduring relationship, but you decide to lie to your partner about the money you lost through gambling in order not to upset her. However, the guilt you feel ‘eats away’ at you because you are ‘living a lie’ and the

relationship suffers accordingly. In line with your ethical standards, you eventually decide to tell the truth (e.g. ‘I feel so much better now’), face the consequences (e.g. your partner feels let down and keeps her distance from you for several days) and promise to stop gambling.

Goals, once decided upon, are not set in concrete and may have to be altered in the light of information gathered from your goal-directed actions. For example, you may decide to reduce gradually to zero your cigarette intake over a month-long period; but after several days you realize you are just ‘torturing’ yourself with a slow withdrawal programme and decide to stop there and then and ‘tough it out’ until the cravings eventually disappear.

I now return to a discussion of Alison’s goals for change:

MICHAEL: You said that the problem was feeling uneasy, anxious around your husband’s friends in case you were revealed as uncultured. When we explored the meaning of being uncultured you came to the conclusion that you were inferior. Okay, so far?

ALISON: Yes, I’m following. So what do I do about it?

MICHAEL: Well, you could ask your husband’s friends or even your husband if they or he see you as uncultured.

ALISON: I’m sure they don’t. It’s just my insecurities.

MICHAEL: So if they didn’t see you like that, how would you feel in their company?

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ALISON: More relaxed.

MICHAEL: What would happen if you met new friends of your husband?

ALISON: (ponders) The anxiety would come back for the same reasons. Back to square one.

MICHAEL: So is asking others if they see you as uncultured the solution to your problems?

ALISON: No, that solution won’t last. I’m expecting them to solve my problem, to make me feel better about myself.

MICHAEL: So what solution has more chance of lasting and is within your control?

ALISON: Not seeing myself as inferior. I would like to leave that behind.

MICHAEL: In terms of a goal for change, it is better to be working towards something positive rather than simply saying what you don’t want or what you want to leave behind?

ALISON: I could learn to be cultured by going to the ballet, opera, art galleries, that sort of thing.

MICHAEL: Is that because you truly want to do that or gain the approval of others through doing it?

ALISON: (sighs deeply) Gain the approval of others—the wrong reasons.

MICHAEL: So how would you like to see yourself on your terms?

ALISON: That I can accept myself, warts and all.

MICHAEL: If you could believe that, how do you think your life would be?

ALISON: Well, I’d just be more relaxed generally, I wouldn’t make myself anxious around my husband’s friends, I’d feel more confident and not give myself such a hard time. Sounds so simple when I say it like that.

MICHAEL: Any drawbacks to being like that?

ALISON: (musing) Any drawbacks? I suppose what effect it might have on my marriage.

MICHAEL: Which might be what?

ALISON: Er…I’m not sure. My husband has always said that he married me for me, not whether I visit art galleries or go the opera. I don’t know really. Just a vague feeling I suppose.

MICHAEL: If the feeling becomes something more concrete then we can examine it. So do you want to pursue this goal of accepting yourself on your terms?

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ALISON: I do. It’s about time that I did.

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