The Self as Inauthentic

All participants convey that they choose to keep their depression hidden from others and that they try to reveal a happy and sociable self to people in their social world, and that this is an effort. All participants communicate a sense of their depression as being misunderstood by others in their social world.

Most participants tell us that they experience their social self as inauthentic: false or fake or an act. Here we see what Patrick has to say as he emphatically tells us that he chooses to keep his depression hidden:

You can't relate to people that don't have it as in like I don't think that somebody that doesn’t suffer from depression would understand. So if they can't understand something how can they help so you try and hide it from them. I don’t want to share how I feel with other students ’cause they wouldn’t understand. (…) It's like a stigma put on people. So it's that fear you don't want to be different from anybody else. You just want to fit in. Being at college is hard with all those people and then being different too ( R70).

In this detailed quote it is suggested that there is a strong sense that being perceived as being ‘different’ from other students is really worrying for Patrick so he chooses not to reveal his depression: you can’t relate to people that don’t have it [depression] so you try and hide it because they wouldn’t understand. This suggests the difficulty that Patrick has in being with

144 | P a g e others who he perceives do not understand the ‘true’ him. Patrick tells us earlier in his

interview:Well you know you are doing your job well if no-one knows you’re trying to hide it in the first place (R.9) so he conveys that he experiences his social self as something he is choosing to work at and display.

All participants movingly describe presenting a ‘public face’, which is interpreted as being acceptable and what they perceive is expected of a student. Here are some of the ways in which participants describe their inauthentic social appearance:

For my friends I always have a smile on my face. I always come in and I'm looking happy(...) like a false face. So that’s a pressure in itself. Just to try and hide it. Even though they wouldn’t know that I would be crippled inside (Michael, R21)

I think most of it that I put on is a mask like a coping kind of thing: I’m fine (…) I’m great (…) I’m perfect(...) Don’t notice that I’m not (Niamh, R.7).

It might not be the real you but you were selling yourself basically. It’s what the public want to see but it’s not what I’m feeling. So I suppose that would be my face for I am the depressed nervous wreck behind it the false face (Mary, R2).

These extracts highlight the inauthentic image of themselves that participants interpret as being required of them in the college environment. It seems to be important that they are observed as being able to cope or to act ‘normal’. There are indications from these quotations that managing their ‘public image’ requires a lot of effort, but it is interpreted as being

necessary and can help them to manage their depression. It is like the real Michael is incapacitated and struggling. The powerful image of crippled on the inside and acting ‘normal’, which is perceived as being happy and smiley, suggests a stark contrast between public image and private experience. The image of a false face or a mask suggests having a

145 | P a g e barrier between the individual and others as the authentic or real Michael, Niamh or Mary may not be accepted. Also, it suggests that being behind a ‘cover’ can conceal them from the gaze of others.

The inauthentic image, which the participants convey to others, is interpreted as being

especially hard work for the participants involved on the sports and leisure degree as they are engaged in a lot of group work. Ailish explains:

I kind of feel like I have to be like that [ happy and lively]. I don’t know really. I can’t show I have depression ’cause they don’t understand. I have to be happy the whole time and maybe some people see it [her depression]. I don't know. I have to pretend I’m ok and ’cause my course is very practical. I gotta work with other students (R33).

Her interpretation is that if she presents her private, true feelings: the depressed Ailish, she will not be accepted by others in her group. It suggests that presenting her inauthentic social self is an effort worth making, as she needs to work with others. There seems to be the worry that if the other students ‘see’ her, she will be isolated.

Participants seem to convey a ‘matter-of-fact’ approach to hiding their emotions and presenting what they consider to be the ‘acceptable’ or normal face of a student. Orla, however, conveys the most discomfort of all participants in not being able to let others know how she is feeling, and this bothers her as she says:

And then you are hiding who you are as you’ve got this fake thing and eventually you just lose ‘Who am I?’ This is a question I go through in my head quite a lot. ‘Who am I?’ I don't know because am I the person who acts like this so nobody knows what it's like or am I the depressed horrible person that I think I am so you don't know really know who you are? It's like I'm lost (...) I don't know (R.22)

In this quote Orla’s questioning of her identity suggests that she is confused: Who am I? and I am lost. This suggests that she cannot find her way. Part of her journey and coping with depression requires presenting a public face: happy, smiley, but it seems that this external image, which is fake, is being internalised. This suggests that the boundary between her authentic and inauthentic self is getting less clear. She indicates that she can stand outside

146 | P a g e herself and there is a dissociative element to her experience: Am I the person who acts like this? and am I the horrible depressed person? If Orla does not recognise herself, then who can tell her who she really is?

Participants seem to be concerned by others labelling or characterising them by their illness and are choosing not to reveal their authentic self for fear of being seen as different, which they see as having a negative impact on their social and academic experiences. As part of their concern they all present a public face that they perceived is acceptable to others in their social world.