Britney commenced her third story; she said (Br.17):
My sister is a little bit older than I; we have an elderly mother who is most cantankerous. My mother stayed on our family farm, and she remained on the farm a lot longer than she should have. My father, by that stage, had been dead for about ten years; however, she stayed on the farm because she was stubborn. My sister [nevertheless] bought a house and put my mother in it.
Britney has an older sister and an elderly mother who had become challenging to manage; their mother had stubbornly resisted attempts to move her. To break this impasse, Britney’s sister, independently, had bought a house for her mother and had arranged her placement there. Britney had disagreed with this rather drastic step (Br.18):
This was not a decision I agreed with. I felt that if she moved off the farm, she should’ve gone into supportive accommodation. My sister had organised everything. She got her off the farm, she put her in the house, and she visits her a lot.
Britney appreciated all that her sister was doing despite not having agreed with her sister’s actions: Britney believed that supportive accommodation would have provided a better option for her mother. On the other hand, Britney felt guilty that she had shown insufficient support for her sister; consequently, she apologised to her sister about not participating in the issue as much as she might have (Br.18):
I said, “Look, I’m very sorry that you’ve had to put in so much with mom and I’ll ‘pick up my socks’. I’ll help you out a bit more”.
I asked Britney why she had ‘said sorry’; she responded (Br.19):
I said sorry because I wanted to open a bridge, so that we could discuss how we were going to look after my mother. So, we could both look after her, but it ended up into a huge fight.
It ended up, however, as a significant disagreement for her sister, being the older, thought she should be the main carer; consequently, she wanted to make a schedule for everybody looking after their mother. Britney reflected (Br.20):
So, this was not a bridge; my sister still thinks she’s the primary carer—she’s the older sister—and she wants to timetable everybody. So, we’re not all equal; she’s still the senior surgeon.
As well, the sister complained to Britney about being forced to put too much work into her mother’s care; in response, Britney told her sister that she should not have bought the house. The apology had not been an ice breaker after all, nor was there any attempt by Britney to make a second apology: she believed that this would have made her appear ‘weaker’; Britney commented (Br.21):
It made it worse. I think it made me weaker in her eyes.
Britney pointed out that her sister would never say sorry; she explained (Br.24): She’ll never say sorry. She likes always to be the senior surgeon.
How did Britney feel? She responded (Br.25):
Probably devastated, I think, because already I had recognised that she was putting in a lot for my mother. But at the same time, she’s not open to sharing so, by saying to her, “I’m sorry”, it made me weaker. It allowed her then to vent and she wasn’t very helpful. When pressed on the matter, Britney felt regretful that she had said sorry; she admitted (Br.28):
Probably I did regret it, yes.
Britney had thought that they should have behaved as adults. She reported that, in future, she would be inclined to be stronger by setting a schedule of dates that suited her, so that she would be on an equal footing with her sister. By not doing this in the first place she had made herself vulnerable; she explained (Br.29):
Oh, dear, if I did it again perhaps I wouldn’t. I’d simply say, “Look, I’m going to come up on these particular days. You know, you don’t need to come on those days”, and then we would be equal. In this situation, I made myself vulnerable.
Britney ended by reflecting that she saw that by being easily positioned into saying sorry – to her son, to her partner, and to her older sister – she had made herself vulnerable to their control; she said (Br.30):
So, if we go back over the three situations, I made myself vulnerable to my son, okay, by saying I’m sorry but that worked, okay. And by saying I’m sorry to my partner, that allowed us to have a bridge, okay. But saying I was sorry to my sister, that was not a bridge, and that was not a good position in which to be.
It seemed that her inherent kindness led Britney always to expect helpful responses; in the ‘saying sorry’ situations addressed in this interview, she had misjudged each of the respondents; this occurred because of the private nature of the events, and the personal embarrassment she had felt. Britney reported that she had not shared her experience with any others; she said (Br.33):
With the other two situations, I wouldn’t tell because they ‘were resolved: I don’t want to talk about my partner’s grief; that would be very sad; I don’t want to talk about my son
just in case he gets cross at me again. So, about my sister, no; I feel it’s not an appropriate situation. Truly, I feel a bit foolish about this.
When I had asked Britney if she recounted these episodes, I had suggested that this might hurt her personally; Britney laughed, and said ‘No’. She explained (Br.32):
Isn’t that interesting. Would it hurt me? I think I’d feel a bit embarrassed. Maybe I would, but it’s not something I would readily share because I think I feel stupid, you know, because I made the wrong judgment call.
At this point, Britney ended her interview.
Types of Harré positioning that emerged
Deliberative self-positioning: deliberative intent
In her three narratives, Britney had engaged in deliberative self-positioning as she made herself ‘vulnerable’ by saying sorry to her son, her partner and her sister. Saying sorry to her son and partner helped her solve the problems with them; however, it had not helped her with issues relating to her sister.
Britney appreciated all that her sister was doing but, despite that, she did not agree with her sister’s decision and believed that a supportive accommodation was better for her mother; so, she apologised to her sister that she was not participating in the issue as much as she might have. Britney had engaged in deliberative self- positioning by apologising to her sister for misunderstanding a sensitive situation. Britney said sorry to her sister to ‘open a bridge’ that would enable them to discuss, openly, how they would look after their mother. Britney had deliberative intent in apologising to her sister: she wished to share responsibility for her mother’s care.
On reflection, Britney saw that by being easily positioned into saying sorry – to her son, her partner and her older sister – she had made herself vulnerable to their control. In the first two instances, nevertheless, her deliberative intent had
been successful. In the third episode, however, it had been unsuccessful ; as a result, she felt even more vulnerable to being under the power control of an ‘other’ – her older sister.
Forced Positioning: Forced intent
Britney said sorry to her sister to open a bridge, so they could discuss how they would care for their mother; however, it had ended up in a dispute. Britney’s sister, being older, took the role of carer’ without any discussion; as a consequence, for instance, she attempted the drawing up of a schedule for everybody regarding looking after their mother.
Unwittingly, Britney had been subject to pernicious forced other-positioning: her sister’s response to her apology had confirmed her older sister’s power position. Britney realised that the apology to her older sister had not worked; unfortunately, it had made her appear ‘weaker’.
Deliberative other-positioning: Parity
Britney had realised that her elderly mother was ‘cantankerous’. Her mother stayed on their farm even after the death of her father of 10 years, as she was stubborn. So, Britney’s sister bought a house and moved her mother there.
Britney had intended to engage in deliberative other-positioning: recognising, on the one hand – with her sister – that her mother was ‘stubborn’; seeking recognition, on the other hand, that her sister had made a unilateral decision. The latter strategy had backfired: Britney came to the realisation that her sister would never say sorry as she liked to be the senior surgeon. Thus, an attempt at parity had flipped into a display of power: Britney had failed in this positioning exercise.
Self- and other-positioning: deliberative intent and power
After the apology, Britney’s sister told Britney that she put too much effort into her mother’s care; in reply, Britney told her that she should not have bought the house (Br.22):
She said, “Oh, that’s all very well, but you don’t realise how much work I’ve put into this, and I’ve had to buy the house,” and I said, “Well, you shouldn’t have bought the house in the first place”.
Britney had attempted to engage in both self- and other-positioning: she had taken a position of deliberative intent when she had disagreed with her sister ’s decision to move her mother to a new house – she and her sister had shown different perceptions of their mother’s situation. An aggressive response from her sister, however, meant that Britney was subject to forced other-positioning in a show of power from the sister. An attempt at parity had failed. Britney felt both devastated and after saying sorry to her sister: it made her appear weaker. This scenario shows just how much Britney’s good intention had backfired on her.
Britney believed that her ageing sister had become more challenging to work with: ‘I think she’s gotten worse as she’s gotten older’ (Br.26). She had acted with deliberative intent to achieve parity. Britney had hoped for a positive response from her sister: ‘We’re older now. We should be able to talk like adults’. (Br.27). When the approach failed, Britney realised that, despite their being siblings, her ageing sister had become more difficult to deal with.
Britney regretted her apology to her older sister. Her failure to exercise both deliberative intent and to achieve parity had left her feeling weak and embarrassed; she would be more assertive in the future. Britney realised that to be more faithful to herself and stronger in positioning she needed to establish a schedule of dates that suited her, so that she would be on an equal footing with her sister; by not doing this she had made herself vulnerable.
In seeking a kind reaction to her saying sorry, she had misjudged both her deliberative intent and the power exerted by sister in expecting a reciprocal response; she reflected (Br.31): ‘I’d expected a kind reaction in that stage, but I misjudged it’.
Britney realised that while it had not hurt her, she had made a ‘wrong judgement call’; she had not shared her experience with others. While attempting to engage in a complex deliberative positioning exercise with her sister, Britney had avoided recounting this particular story. She felt diminished as she had made a wrong judgement; fear of failure and embarrassment had reduced her capacity to share ‘saying sorry’ incidents.
New Socio-cultural positionings
Reflective positioning
Britney did not apologise another time to her older sister as it would make her ‘weaker’; she said (Br.23): ‘No, I think it makes me weaker’. Britney had engaged in reflective positioning as she avoided apologising again to her older sister, as she would appear vulnerable.
Harré & New Socio-cultural positionings
Throughout her narrative, Britney used the four types of Harré positioning: self, other, forced and deliberative; some were independent of each other; others were paired; she had, on occasions, combined both Harré self- and other-positionings. She had employed some New Socio-cultural positionings through her narrative: relief, concern, and reflective positioning; I have provided a summary of these in Table 5.2. In the first episode, Britney had experienced stress and tension due to forced self-positioning linked to the ‘forced’ intent of her son; she apologised to maintain her link with her granddaughter, Anna; it also reduced the possibility of Anna encountering subsequent problems with her parents.
In the second episode involving her partner’s sadness, Britney had shown deliberative intent to relieve some of her partner’s distress and to express to him her concern at the passing of his friend.
For Britney, the third episode represented the most difficult and complex experience of positioning: deliberative self-positioning when apologising to her sister to open a bridge that morphed into forced other-positioning in a show of sisterly power which dramatically ended up in reflective positioning in which she realised that the apology made her weaker; as a result, she decided not to apologise again in an act of forced self-positioning taken with the intent to make herself feel stronger and personally more in charge. Finally, the narrative showed that, in an act of deliberative self-positioning, Britney had taken a step forward to ensure that she would be less prone to make herself vulnerable in interpersonal interactions with her close family members.
Metaphors and selves for Britney
The dominant metaphor that I had noticed in Britney’s narrative was the
Disempowered Woman, apparent when Britney was forced to apologise to her son for teaching her granddaughter some swearing words. It was also evident when Britney had to apologise to her ‘senior surgeon’ older sister and that she had felt weaker and vulnerable after the apology.
Britney also displayed different selves represented in the positionings to which she was subject. The first of these selves, the Sympathetic Woman was seen when she said sorry to her partner for the loss of his friend – she supported him in a time of need; also, this self was evident when she apologised to her son for the greater good of her granddaughter.
Another self that had emerged is Britney the Grateful Woman. This self was evident when Britney told her older sister that she appreciated all that she had done to support their mother despite that her sister was acting in a ‘senior surgeon’ manner.
Kara’s Narrative
I conducted this interview with Kara who lives in Melbourne. Kara has a mother and a younger sister, Eva; they all were born in Melbourne; first, they lived in the country when Kara was a teenager; after that, they moved back to Melbourne where Kara now lives with her partner. Kara has a Laboratory Medicine degree from RMIT; before completing the degree, she worked as a researcher in the private sector for about ten years; she also did a master’s in statistics; her first degree was an honours degree in Behavioral Science; she is currently a PhD candidate. Kara recounted three episodes, as follows:
1. A man tripped over her chair 2. Left alone at a wedding
3. Kara’s ill mother and selfish sister, Eva