Keep going
When it comes to changing behaviour, some people give up because they do not think that they have made any progress. This can happen even though their friends and family can see a change.
Take care not to underrate your achievements. Watch out for upsetting thoughts about your progress. Progress may seem slow at first but it will gradually become more substantial and more noticeable to you. If it was easy, you would have done it before.
You might also find it much easier to remember the things that went badly than those that went well, or those that just felt normal.
Perhaps the difficult times seem more important, as well as more distressing, than the easy ones, which then get forgotten.
Remember to keep a written record of what you are doing so that you can look back and check how far you’ve come. You’re bound to be pleasantly surprised at the improvement over time.
Acknowledge your achievements
If you learn how to praise yourself for your successes, your confidence will grow faster. Each time you achieve something it is a success. Small successes turn into larger successes. Give yourself credit for all of them. Make a habit of giving yourself a mental pat on the back, and see if you can get someone else to notice your achievements. If you have a colleague, friend or relative who knows about your difficulties, maybe you could tell them, as well as writing it all down in this workbook.
Most people underrate their achievements to start with. This is particularly likely to happen if the risks you decide to take involve doing things that most people seem to find easy, like ordering a meal, or saying no when someone asks you to do something.
Here are some examples of how people downgrade their successes. Below each of these upsetting thoughts you will find an example of the sort of answer that might be more helpful.
Thought: ‘Yes, but anyone could do that.’
Answer: ‘Not if they felt as anxious as you.’
Thought: ‘I should have done it better.’
Answer: ‘I will, in time. Now I will do what I can. No one could
do more than that.’
Thought: ‘No one else would think that was important.’
Answer: ‘Maybe not. But I know how important it is to me.’
Upsetting thoughts, as already mentioned, affect both your feelings and your behaviour. Make sure you know how to deal with them.
Encouragement works far better than criticism because it makes you feel better and helps you to keep trying.
Encourage yourself as you would encourage anyone who was learning how to do something new. Try not to criticize or undermine yourself. If doing new things makes you more anxious, then remember that this kind of anxiety is likely to be temporary. The gains you make will last if you keep on doing them.
Dealing with setbacks
Everyone has ‘ups and downs’, and what you did successfully yesterday may seem impossible today. It is important to realize that setbacks are a normal part of progress and that you need not be discouraged by them.
• If at any stage you seem to be stuck, or even to have slid backwards, it could be because you are trying to run before you
can walk. Recognize that you may have to take things slowly, and that breaking old patterns of thinking and of behaving takes time. Sometimes you will find the old ways of keeping yourself safe re-emerge, but what can change once can do so again.
Even a small change means that you are not stuck with the problem, but need to keep working on it.
• Watch out for feeling discouraged, and use your new thinking skills to keep the setback in perspective. Everyone should expect a few setbacks, so when they happen to you try to take them in your stride, and do not let them interfere with your plans.
If you do not give up you will overcome the problem in the end.
• Setbacks are often more apparent than real. You may have a bad day because you were tired or not very well. It is not that you have got worse, but rather that being tired or unwell makes everything you do a bit harder.
• Other people may unexpectedly plunge you into a situation that you were not yet ready for. For instance they might suggest that you come with them to a disco, or ask you to explain why you disagreed with a decision made at work. Remember that other people are far less aware of your anxiety than you are. They may not even notice it at all.
Try not to let a bad patch spread. If you need time to take stock, to muster your strength and your energy, then take that time before you continue making the changes that you find most difficult.
Adopting an ‘ever ready’ attitude
If keeping yourself safe keeps the problem going, then taking risks helps to overcome it. So take every opportunity that arises and, for instance, go to the pub or talk to someone in a bus queue if you have an unexpected chance to do so. You will find that you will improve faster and that ordinary everyday activities become less of a strain. You will no longer react to them as if they were really dangerous or frightening.
Try to stop keeping yourself safe even when doing everyday tasks. Instead of buying what you want without a word, deliberately talk to shop assistants or cashiers. Look at ordinary activities to see if you can find a way of turning them into useful ways of making progress.
Make a list here of some small, everyday things you could do to increase your level of interaction with other people.