There are four stages of the stop-start training. Practice each stage at least three times before moving on to the next stage. This is a thirty-minute exercise, including fifteen minutes of general
relaxation followed by fifteen minutes of pleasuring your penis. The approach varies according to the stage you are working on. First you pause, then you simply slow the stimulation. Then you will add fantasy (partner interaction arousal) to the mix.
The first half of the exercise is the same for all stages. Take a few moments to get comfortable on your bed, and then spend fifteen minutes gently and slowly touching and soothing your body all over with the exception of your genitals. Use this time to focus on your body’s sensations and calm yourself. From time to time during this self-pleasuring, turn your attention to your PM. Tighten and relax it several times to heighten your awareness of its level of relaxation.
Consciously direct your PM to relax.
1. Stimulation Pausing
In this stage, you practice using only self-entrancement arousal and preventing ejaculatory inevitability by stopping stimulation.
After the fifteen minutes of relaxing touch and PM relaxation, calmly shift your attention to your genitals. With a dry hand (no lotion or other lubrication), masturbate for fifteen minutes without ejaculation. Focus on your penis, attending to the pleasure, the sen-sation. The first time you do this exercise, touch very calmly, very slowly: a sensual fingering of your penis and testicles, groin, thighs.
At subsequent sessions, gradually increase your touching, stroking and allowing yourself to become more excited. Do not rush. Do not push it. Do not get carried away. Keep your attention only on the sensations in your penis (no fantasy or distractions).
Eventually you will become more excited and feel that you are approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability. When you sense this coming, stop the stimulation, hold your penis gently, and do nothing but focus on the sensation in your penis. The urge to ejacu-late will subside in fifteen seconds to three minutes. You may also experience a partial loss of erection; this is common and nothing to be concerned about. When the desire to ejaculate has passed, slowly resume your masturbation. You will probably have to stop a number of times to avoid ejaculation when you first do this exercise. Keep your PM relaxed. Over time, you will learn how to recognize approaching ejaculatory inevitability, how to anticipate the need to stop, when to stop, and how long to wait. The number of times you need to stop will gradually decrease.
Here are some problems you may have:
! You ejaculate with surprise. When this happens, usually you are not focusing carefully on the sensations in your penis, your PM is not as relaxed as you thought, or you are trying
too hard. Simply relax, play it safe (don’t go too close to the brink), and focus on the physical pleasure.
! You find you need to stop again as soon as you resume masturbat-ing. This means that you are not allowing sufficient time for the ejaculatory urge to diminish. Double the time you pause.
! You get discouraged and don’t think you are making any progress because you continue to ejaculate before you choose or the number of required pauses does not diminish. This may mean that you are too tense while doing the exercise. Calm your body while you pleasure yourself. Be sure to monitor your PM. Be patient.
When you feel confident of your ability to relax your body and feel in control, and when you need only two or three stops during the fifteen minutes, you can move on.
2. Stimulation Pacing
In this stage, you continue to use only self-entrancement arousal, and this time you prevent ejaculatory inevitability by pacing (slowing, not stopping) stimulation.
After the fifteen minutes of relaxing touch and PM relaxation, masturbate for fifteen minutes without ejaculating and without stop-ping or pausing. When you reach high levels of excitement, make changes in your stimulation to decrease the arousal. You can slow down the pace, change the pressure you are applying, vary the site of maximum stimulation (for example, by stimulating only the shaft of your penis rather than the tip), or change the type of stroking (for example, using longer strokes or circular motions). Focus only on your body; no fantasy! Remember to relax your PM and keep it relaxed.
Find what works best for you to pace your arousal. Explore and master this. With pacing rather than stopping, more subtle types of adjustment need to be made a bit sooner. Do not hesitate to slow early. If you make the change too late, you can always stop to pre-vent ejaculation.
When you feel that you are doing well enough with this stage, and you’re not having to stop or pause, move on to stage 3.
3. Fantasy and Stimulation Pausing
This stage begins to incorporate partner interaction arousal.
You back off from the point of ejaculatory inevitability by stopping stimulation.
During the fifteen minutes of self-pleasuring, begin to fantasize about having sex with your partner. The idea is to move the focus of your concentration back and forth from your own body (self-entrancement arousal) to a fantasy of your partner (partner interac-tion). Spend five to fifteen seconds on your sensations, then five to fifteen seconds on the fantasy, then five seconds relaxing your PM.
Start the fantasy with the first touch or kiss, and go through the stages that might occur in this imagined sexual event. You can use the sexual arousal continuum you outlined earlier.
Take your time with the imagery! You don’t have to get through an entire sexual event in one session. Go slowly, calmly. Use the stop-start technique, and when you stop, imagine pausing during your fantasy sexual interaction with your lover. Imagine she is strok-ing you, orally pleasurstrok-ing you, or havstrok-ing intercourse, and picture placing your hand on her hand to pause, wait, then resume. You are mentally rehearsing the stop-start technique in preparation for inter-course. Remember to keep your PM relaxed.
As you get better at this, try including in your fantasy compo-nent the erotic images you find most stimulating: imagine your penis entering her vagina, and imagine vigorous thrusting during intercourse.
Don’t get discouraged if your progress is slow. This is the more challenging stage. You’re learning to balance your focus on your own physical sensations, your PM, and your fantasy—all while mon-itoring how excited you are becoming. If you feel frustrated, simply stop or pause sooner.
When you are comfortable and in control while fantasizing erotic scenes, you are ready to move to stage 4.
4. Fantasy and Stimulation Pacing
This stage is identical to stage 3 except that now you pace (slow) rather than pause. As you make adjustments in your masturbation, imagine yourself making them in partner sex. Take it as slowly as you need to. When this stage is going well, use a lubricant on your penis to simulate the sensations of intercourse.
When you are comfortable with your individual ejaculatory control, blending self-entrancement, partner interaction fantasy, and PM relaxation, you are ready to learn couple stop-start pacing.