The big mistake many guys make is trying to make other people like them. We self-censor what we say and do to avoid offending other people because we want them to think that we are a nice guy, and mistakenly think this will make us appealing to women. But the truth is that the more you try to make other people like you, the less they do.
Approval-seeking behavior comes across as insincere, fake, needy and desperate. Nothing repels a woman sexually like desperation and needi- ness. The survival of the species de- pends on you getting your end in, so I know how powerful this craving can be, but keep it in your pants until the time is right if you want to enjoy the feeling of having a bevy of gorgeous women around you. You will blow your chances with women every time if you come across as desperate.
Women are much more skilled than us men are at discerning a person's emotions and motives. Sure, all us guys have cravings for sex at times. Women get them too. But put that desperate craving out there for all to see, and the ladies will run a mile when they see you approaching.
What To Do
•Relax! •Learn to meditate •Chill out •Be yourself •Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert A. GloverSTEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 33
A big part of the problem is that as children we got invalidated and criticized when we simply relaxed and acted naturally. At the same time, we learned ineffective ways of relating to other people and then assumed that we needed to try harder when what we were doing didn't seem to work work.
The way we learn to relate to women has its roots in the child- hood lessons we learned from our parents. Although they most likely loved you and wanted you to be happy, your parents had their own reasons for being uncomfortable with you being free to really be yourself.
To your father, your burgeoning sexuality was a threat. Each gen- eration grows stronger than the previous one as evolution pro- gresses, and unless your father was particularly insightful and confident in his own position as the man of the house he may have subconsciously encouraged you to hold back on being who you really are lest it be a threat to him. I'll talk more about your connection with him in Step 7.
Your mother probably wasn't so keen on you expressing the real you either, because in truth you are an incredibly powerful sexu- al being. When you turned from a boy into a man, the love that she felt for you all started to become a bit weird to her in a Freu- dian sort of way. So chances are she encouraged you to suppress, rather than to express, the sexual side of your masculinity. She also probably taught you to treat women with respect, and to be nice to them. She was right in a way, but you may well have taken it too far. Just being “nice” all the time gets boring to wo- men pretty quickly because it's neither very much fun nor very exciting.
STEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 34
The more attractive a woman is to us, the nicer we often try to be around her, thinking it will get her to like us. Problem is, being nice all the time diffuses attraction and kills sexual tension.
If you've lived your whole life so far without attracting the wo- men you're interested in, there's a good chance that you've come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with you. You may well have resorted to all sorts of strategies to present a fake persona to women; one which you think will be more favorable to them than the real you. But women love guys who are real. They want the real you.
Your existing inhibitions get in the way of attracting women be- cause they prevent you from being free to be the person that you really are. When people talk about guys who have lots of “con- fidence”, what they really mean is guys who are simply comfort- able being themselves. They don't have anything you don't have; they're just not racked with inhibition and worried about what other people think of them all the time.
You may be reluctant to really speak your mind or be playful and fun around attractive women because you're afraid that you might lose or offend them. And you're right: you will probably offend and end up losing some women. But you would have lost those particular women anyway, and there are plenty more fish in the sea. When you are prepared to let go of your attachment to getting what you want from a woman and are willing to lose her, you will find yourself much more able to relax and relate to her in a way which is more fun and playful for both of you.
Trying too hard to avoid offending people just limits you to safe, boring territory where you're not particularly interesting or at- tractive; you're just like every other guy. Avoiding offending
STEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 35
people is a defense mechanism we use to avoid having to deal with the possible pain of rejection, which I'll talk more about in Step 17
Take a long hard look at how much of the time and mental en- ergy you expend during your conversations with other people is really just focused on trying to get them to like you. Consider how often the statements you make are defensive ones intended to ensure that they don't think you're a bad person. Any time you feel the need to be defensive, stop yourself. Try throwing a fun, playful tease back at the other person or just smile mischievously instead.
Trying to make other people like us not only backfires in our re- lationships with everyone else, it also sends our brains a constant reminder that we need other people's approval all the time. We end up caught in a viscous cycle of self-reinforcing low self- esteem. The keys to breaking the cycle are to decide to stop rein- forcing this need by no longer seeking other people's approval, and to Learn to Love Yourself as I'll describe in Step 17.
Persistent cases of approval-seeking behavior are often indica- tions of Nice Guy Syndrome. As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I know this condition all too well. It is characterized by:
• Constantly seeking approval and validation from other people.
• Trying to make other people like you.
• Worrying too much what other people think. • Avoiding conflict.
STEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 36
• Trying really hard not to upset people.
• Taking responsibility for other people's feelings. • Apologizing for other people's feelings of upset. • Not allowing yourself to feel or express anger. • Not asking for what you really want.
• Not speaking up for yourself. • Avoiding rejection.
• Feeling like you are never good enough.
• Believing that if you just try harder to please people, they will give you what you want without you having to ask.
• Telling people what you think they want to hear.
• Avoiding feelings of shame by not exposing thoughts, feelings or desires you think are morally unacceptable.
• Pandering to the lowest common conservative denominator. If this list resonates with you, and in particular if the thought of rejection chills you to the core, there's a good chance that you're suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome.
The bitter irony here is that many of the beliefs of the Nice Guy mindset turn out to be the complete opposite of the truth. For ex- ample, women are attracted to men who are interesting; even if they are sometimes offensive. Girls hang out with bad guys be- cause they are exciting, even if though they don't always approve of their behavior. You are much more likely to lose a woman by boring her with your fake blandness than you are by offending her.
STEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 37
Underlying Nice Guy Syndrome is generally a web of anxiety about being your true self. Liberating yourself from this anxiety will yield massive benefits to your confidence. Anxiety is often associated with unprocessed emotional baggage, which we'll deal with in Step 12.
You don't have to be Mr Perfect to attract women; in fact, to even try is counter-productive. There is nothing wrong with the real you. Trying to get women to like you will get you slayed, it will not get you laid. So stop trying to
get people to like you, and start learning how to have fun and enjoy life without rating your success in life by whether you managed to pick up that hot blond you saw last night.
Attracting women isn't about what
you do, it's about who you are being. Who you are inside right now is just fine; you don't have to change that one iota. What you do need to do is unlearn some of the things you've been taught about the way to relate to women, and remove the inhibitions that prevent the real you from shining your light to the world. It may take some time for you to chill out to the point where your desperation is not showing. I know the goal of hooking wo- men is important to you and all, but calm down, take a deep breath and plunge into the activities I recommend in Parts 3 & 4 of this book for their own sake. Do them primarily because they are good fun, rather than because you're desperate to hook up this Saturday night. When women notice your easy-going de- meanor and feel comfortable around you, you'll start attracting
What To Avoid
•Being desperate •Trying too hard •Trying to get people
STEP 3: STOP TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU 38
more women and then others will also want to get to know you so they can find out what all the fuss is about for themselves. Love yourself and your life, develop some interests that women find appealing too and they will start flowing your way. That's what the rest of this book is all about.
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