This section explores a theme that was raised throughout the study: that of 'ability', though often expressed as 'inability'. Participants expressed anxiety about their ability to succeed at university, some discovered abilities they had not previously recognised, and others indicated that they felt that the university had dismissed them as of low ability. Throughout, participants drew upon discourses of older learner fragility but also resisted these through mobilising discourses of resilience and tenacity.
Performing the subjectivity of older people being slow, Lavinia (black, African 50-54) described herself as 'very slow in learning'. She said that lecturers had no time for her and were only interested 'in people that knows'. Lavinia said that she had only one friend at university who was also a mature student. She said that they were both 'not too brilliant' and, since both were unsure of what was expected or how to get there, studying together was not very productive. As Read et al. (2001:387) found, many students are not given 'clear guidance in the "rules of the game" of academic writing'.
The subjectivity of the slow older person was also performed by Sara (white, 55-59), who said she was studying because her manager had persuaded her to gain qualifications reflecting the expectations for employees at her grade:
'it takes time for the penny to drop sometimes.... the younger ones, they can snap back just like that whereas I have to sit back and think for a minute of what they're about. I don't grasp it. I think that's also to do with tiredness as well'.
Here Sara compares herself unfavourably to young people and their ability to 'snap back just like that', denoting a flexibility and adaptability that she indicated she lacked. In contrast to
87 this, she also told how she rapidly learned to use a computer, never even having used a keyboard before university, doing a full time job with young children, caring for a disabled husband and then going to classes in the evening. She now laughed at when she went crying to her manager to allow her to leave the course and sending multiple copies of an email to a tutor, thinking that it had not been sent. Sara seemed to have seriously underestimated herself. Positioned by, and positioning herself, through a discourse of older learner slowness Sara disguised and downplayed her strength and perseverance.
As with Sara, Carlos (South American, 50-54) compared himself to younger students. Similarly, performing the subjectivity of 'older learner slowness' he said: 'how can I keep the study level because they are very young, they are very fast thinking and I cannot do the same way. I need to think a little bit more to understand'. It was also clear that Carlos spoke English as a second language, though he did not mention this might be a potential barrier to studying a course which was delivered entirely in English. While elation and self-affirmation followed success in assignments, feelings of powerlessness and disillusionment came with failure. Carlos said that his feedback from lecturers 'put me in stress because I haven't been getting the results that I was expecting and in some way I am getting behind'. Failure also caused some to leave university or to have a near mental breakdown as happened with Samuel, (Black African, 45-49) who described how he became upset when a friend on his course failed some assessments and 'just walked away' [without explanation] 'after putting in so much effort'.
Disability
Although I had not set out to specifically look at issues of disability, these emerged as important throughout the study, not least because of the high proportion of participants with disabilities. People with disabilities are infantilised, as are older people (Malacrida 2009) and
88 some participants indicated that going to university was an attempt to gain dignity and respect.
Sirimavo (Asian 70+), the oldest person who discussed her disability, though not the oldest participant, said that her needs assessment report stated that she should have a special chair, and receive some technical and other support. However, none of this had happened. Sirimavo was also dyslexic but the study courses either clashed with her main classes or were in the evening when she would have had to wait around and travel after dark. It is perhaps the very individuals for whom support classes are set up who are nervous about travelling home after dark. Prowse (2009) illustrates the complexity of supporting disabled students in an equitable way and, as Leathwood (2006) observes, in many institutions classes are organised to suit the independent individual who is unencumbered by domestic responsibilities.
Frank (white European, 50-54), who suffered from debilitating arthritis, did not want people to be 'patronising'. In elaborating this message he dramatized a situation where someone talked to his helper instead of him. He then said 'It's like you're some senile old...' where he paused and we both acknowledged how 'old' was used as a term of abuse. Foucault (1998:123) describes the regulations concerning the body which led to 'a political ordering of life, not through an enslavement of others, but through an affirmation of self'. For Frank, higher education was the means by which he had the possibility of taking control or affirming the self. However, Frank observed, and was critical of, the regularity controls within the university with regard to disability. He recalled what he saw as the tokenistic way in which the university disability officer insisted on giving him additional time for exams even after he had explained that, if he had an attack, he would be unable to attend the exam and extra time would be pointless. Frank described this as 'tokenism' because he was not being listened to. A further area where Frank, and other participants, felt that their control was slipping was concerning time. Not only is being slow (and needing more time) often related to being old,
89 but many participants felt they were running out of time and were impatient with anything or anyone that wasted what time they had left.
Derek (white, 50-54) also expressed determination not to be patronised but encountered many regularity controls where people with reduced mobility are unconsidered in an individualist society. Derek explained that: 'the reason I'm at university is because I've a got a brain, it's my legs .. whatever, doesn't work'. He said that, before his illness, he had given disability issues little thought; that most people 'don't mean to be nasty' but able-bodied people are often unaware that, for example, leaving bags in the corridor could be hazardous. Since he did not always use the wheelchair, people would invite him to the pub 'only around the corner', but would forget the flight of stairs which, for him, would be 'Mount Everest'. Derek portrayed a seemingly robust attitude through phrases such as 'the world was not built to accommodate people in wheelchairs'. When approached by the administration regarding fire evacuation he told them: 'I'll be up out of this chair and I'll be running, just make sure you've got some oxygen at the bottom, just call the ambulance. I'll get out the building if I have to throw myself out of the window'.
Despite his severe physical disability, Derek had found a way for 'affirmation of self' through his study. Even though many of his statements were full of bravado and a need for independence, Derek was clearly concerned about what others thought of him. As Leathwood (2006:630) argues, 'In many ways, 'independence' is a masculinist myth; what suits (some) men is defined as the ideal that all should be striving for, whilst men's dependence on others remains hidden'. Coates (2004:116) draws on various studies from the 1970s showing that boys were more likely than girls to choose topics such as sports in conversations with each other. She also argues that 'sportstalk' is used by men to delineate self-reliance and strength and to marginalise 'personal experience' (Johnson and Finlay cited by Coates 2004:104). Derek made frequent references to watching football, being in the pub and, as with the
90 example in the previous paragraph, many of his analogies were of physical prowess. As argued by Coates, the use of 'sportstalk' delineates personal achievement and status. However, as seen in Chapter 6, Derek's friends outside of university did not always recognise his decision to embark on higher education as an achievement.
Joan (white, British 60-64) had developed arthritis in her 20s and was receiving disability allowance. Others in her focus group expressed surprise that she had not declared her disability to the university, particularly when she said that she had difficulty carrying heavy books. She initially said that she was not reporting it because she was much fitter than before and the pain was not as bad, but then explained that arthritis is normally considered an old person's disease and she was not declaring it 'in case they think it's age related'. When this was questioned by other focus group members, Joan provided no reasons for not wanting to appear old, indicating perhaps that this desire is taken-for-granted among her peers, and thus reproducing the deficit status of 'being old'. Instead, Joan said 'I don't feel old. I actually feel quite respected for my age'. Did 'respected for my age' imply respected despite of her age or because of her age? If she did feel old, would that mean that she would anticipate disrespect from, for example, younger students? Paradoxically, despite not wanting to appear old, Joan was performing a pastoral / parental role; thereby claiming power through the discourse that associates older age with wisdom. This discourse is also discussed in section 5.4.
Memory
A discourse of memory loss in older people, or old people 'losing it', was referenced throughout the study. Some participants said that they were studying to help preserve their memory, thus expressing the discourse of 'active ageing'. Others drew on discourses of fragility. For example, Lavinia said that her memory had deteriorated: 'something that happens to me as I get older. Even my husband always shout “How come you're so forgetful?” .. before when I was young, oh my God, (snaps fingers) quick, quick'. Linked to
91 this discourse of memory loss was concern expressed by several participants, for example Pam (white British, 60-64), that being older might mean reduced ability to learn. Pam, who had completed a higher degree when she was in her 30s, said that she was ' really beginning to get memory problems' which had reduced her confidence:
Pam: sometimes I'll start a sentence and I won't know where I'm going by the time I get to the end'.
[Others laughing]
Pam: So I went to the student support services to see what kind of support might be available'.
[Angela laughing and shaking head]
Pam: And he said “well maybe you're dyslectic”. So I said “well no I don't think I'm dyslectic because I haven't been dyslectic up till now.
The other women in the group laughed, acknowledging the stereotype of 'senior citizen' behaviour. However, would they have laughed had a young person told the same story? Pam was not joking for, in a subsequent interview, she explained that she was worried about 'a whole cognitive change'. She suspected early Alzheimer's and was considering seeing her GP. This surprised me as, since she had listed memory as a disability, I had assumed she had already done so. Pam said that she could now only study for 'just a couple of hours or so', whereas 'before' [she could work for] 'hours and hours and hours'. Elements of self- regulation, discussed by Foucault and others, are evident here. Furthermore, older people's memory has become a particular focus of what Foucault (2003:244-245) describes as 'biopolitics'. This can be seen in the campaign that has been running since 2013 to recruit one million 'Dementia Friends' to be trained to spot Dementia (reported on by Gallagher 2015). Although Dementia is clearly a serious issue for some individuals, as discussed in Chapter 2 there is a danger of assuming memory loss where there is none.
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