Superordinate theme 3: a future self

The participants described a changed sense of self which enabled them to demarcate the person they are ‘now’, from the person they ‘were’; ‘A changed sense of self – pulling the person out of the past’. This was fundamental to a further stage of considering the direction of the future, and. I refer here to ‘Turning points and looking forward’.

5.6.1

Subtheme 1: A changed sense of self – pulling the person out

of the past

All of the women discussed differences they had noticed about themselves, as a result of effective interventions and approaches. During the interviews the majority of the women referred to experiences of violence and adversity, but they did not consider that their self-view was related to the context of adversity at that time – and neither did they account for their behaviour as being related to the adverse contexts of their lives at that time. In other words they did not clearly demarcate the person from the context of the past.

The women saw themselves as being ‘normal’ now, while they viewed themselves negatively in the past. This change of self-perception over time involved ‘pulling the person out of the past’, a process of separating the person they used to be, from the person they became... In the following extract, after detailing some of the support she received, including prison-based interventions, family and probation support, DD outlines how she noticed changes in herself:

DD 43: ‘I have changed and people have noticed the change as well, do you know what I mean, well actually before - I was disgusting me, really disgusting –’

Despite having described experiences of interpersonal violence DD does not refer to the adverse context of her past when describing how she had changed over time, but she does refer to how she was ‘before’. This focus on the process of change in self, without emphasis on adversity, was common among participants. For example, EL explained how, in the context of a women-only programme, she was able to ‘constructively’ question her past behaviour and the person she was. She felt that the programme had enabled her to explore her former self:

EL49: ‘there was nothing there to kind of constructively make me feel erm kind of - ‘why did I do this? Why did I open that door?’ you know? - Just to make myself feel bad - because there’s no good answer, you know? - and

142

I’m trying to get around the fact that I was a nasty person so, you know, why did I do that?’

EL described how she was a ‘nasty person’ in the past and questioned her actions. Indeed, all participants made sense of past contexts in terms of having been a ‘bad’ person. The person and the context were considered as one. This seemed to create a demarcation from the past, a way of ‘pulling’ the person out of past adverse contexts.

5.6.2

Subtheme 2: turning points and looking forward

Throughout, the majority of the women described particular points of ‘realisation’ which caused them to consider their life worlds from a new perspective. These were mainly described as retrospective points in time and circumstance, whereby they hit their ‘worst’ point, or had to ‘push through’ particularly adverse experiences. These seemed to be points of culmination in terms of personal loss and the emotional and mental health ‘fallout’ from loss, which included suicide. These points of change described by the participants were recounted as the worst possible situations. There were examples whereby the participants outlined the continuous need to keep facing the realities of their lives, going forward. Some of the women highlighted points in time which seemed to determine their future direction. This included hitting rock bottom and still managing to be alive. This is outlined by DH in the starkest terms:

DH13: ‘I lost my last girl to social services, she would be 6 in June, that’s what made me turn my life around, I was suicidal. I didn’t use at all when I was pregnant or breast feeding. I waited 18 months before smoking again. I have 4 kids’.

DH29: ‘I had a crack binge for days after my daughter was taken away, I was going to die. My system shut down and I couldn’t breathe, when I realised I was alive I started crying’.

The ability to ‘turn my life around’ relates to the absolute lowest point reached and described here by DH. The previous crack binge as a way of coping, was described in such a way that it seemed to be a projection of death. As DH survived the lowest point and the resulting crack binge, the turning point came as a realisation of a near miss. DH described herself as suicidal and it was after a near overdose that DH described how she had managed to turn her life around.

An awareness of an alternative path is also conveyed through associations with others in similar circumstances. One of the women described the influence of the

143

death of an individual she knew. At a deeper level of meaning making, this individual was someone she may have felt connected to, as there was a sense of responsibility and support for others going through similar circumstances. This level of understanding and meaning making, through relationships, understandings and connections with others is one of the ways in which an alternative future is projected and described. The following extract is taken from accounts from TR:

TR 16 ‘What has influenced me isn’t falling in love, it was the people I knew in rehab that died. They messed up, really messed up, kids, inside and everything - and she was a twig and she did 3 weeks and then she died’. TR2/2 – ‘My roommate – I went through it with someone, she took me under her wing. Then someone else came in and I did the same to her – she’s dead now. Me and that main lady are still in contact’.

The stark reality of an alternative is described here in reference to how SR makes sense of the death of someone who she had felt connected to; someone she had taken ‘under her wing’ in the same way that someone had looked after her. What was influential in this instance was not the positive aspect of moving on, but rather, the stark reality of an alternative. TR had described how the woman had ‘really messed up’. The meaning which underpinned this account relates to an alternative path, through comparisons with others’ who she had shared experiences with, and a path which TR did not take.

MG outlines below how she hit rock bottom when she attended the Drug and Alcohol Service and it was the support which was received there which turned things around for her. In the following account, MG outlines a ‘point’ in which a future is considered:

MG 35: ‘And you have to sort of get to that point and see what the consequences will be, and what they can be if you was to go, carry on, do you know what I mean? - And then you just look at the situation and you’d think, ‘no there’s no point in life anymore’.

MG highlighted during the interview that she had reached a stage when she had considered her future. This involved a projection of the future and what it could be and through this she had reached a point of despair, not seeing the ‘point in life’ anymore. It presented a stark picture of the future and one which MG subsequently reconsidered, as a point of transition.

144