TEACHING TOLERANCE

There is also much you can do to teach your children about tolerance.

Here are some excellent suggestions from one of America’s foremost advocates for teaching tolerance, the Southern Poverty Law Center:

Talk About Tolerance. This is an ongoing process; it cannot be captured in a single moment. Establish a high “comfort level”

for open dialogue about social issues. Let children know that no subject is taboo.

Identify Intolerance When Children Are Exposed to It. Point out stereotypes and cultural misinformation depicted in movies, TV shows, computer games, and other media. Challenge bias when it comes from friends and family members. Do not let the moment pass. Begin with a qualifi ed statement: “Andrew just called people of XYZ background ‘lunatics.’ What do you think about that, Zoe?” Let children do most of the talking.

Challenge Intolerance When It Comes from Your Children. When a child says or does something that refl ects biases or embraces stereotypes, point it out: “What makes that joke funny, Jerome?” Guide the conversation toward internalization of empathy and respect.

Support Your Children When They Are Victims of Intolerance.

Respect children’s troubles by acknowledging when they become targets of bias. Don’t minimize the experience.

Provide emotional support and then brainstorm constructive responses. Develop a set of “comebacks” for children who are victims of name-calling.

Foster a Healthy Understanding of Group Identity. For tweens and teens, group identity is critical. Remind them, however, of three things: First, pride in our own group does not mandate disrespect for others. Second, no group is entitled to special privileges. Third, we should avoid putting other groups down as a way to elevate the status of our own group.

Be Honest About Differences. Do not tell children that we are all the same; we’re not. We experience the world in different ways, and those experiences matter. Help your child understand the viewpoints of others.

Model the Behavior That You Would Like to See. As parents and as children’s primary role models, we must be consistent in how we treat others and in our commitment to tolerance. If we as parents treat people differently based on characteristics such as race, gender, or sexual orientation, our children are likely to do the same.

Further assistance on these important matters is easily available in the Parenting for Tolerance section of the Southern Poverty Law Center website (www.tolerance.org/parents/index.jsp). I urge you to make regular and seasonal visits to this extraordinary source. It provides insights and information about how to help you and your children become knowledgeable and sensitive members of your communities.

It provides insight into the subtle and often unconscious ways that prejudice and intolerance are conveyed. Everything is age-graded so that it orients you about the best way to sensitize and educate children at different points and ages in their development.

10. TEACH CHILDRENABOUT SUBSTANCE ABUSE

The main reason for teaching children about substances such as tobac-co, alcohol, and other drugs like marijuana and cocaine is to help them avoid becoming abusers of such substances. Helping to prevent chil-dren from becoming substance abusers is one of the most important goals you should have as a parent, given how destructive substance abuse is to the bodies, minds, and futures of our children.

As was indicated in Chapter 3, the research about how parents con-tribute to children becoming substance abusers indicates that there were several major parental contributors:

1. Parents being rejecting rather than being warm and accepting in their relationships with their children.

2. Parents being poor rule-enforcers and being harsh and unfair in their attempts to lead their families.

3. Parents being abusers of substances themselves, i.e., poor role models.²⁴

This implies that you can help prevent your children from using and abusing substances by being or becoming a warm, accepting, and respectful parent; by learning and being fair and fi rm in your family leadership; and by maintaining or beginning a healthy, drug-free life-style. These are, of course, three of the other effective parenting guide-lines that are described and discussed in this book. So, by already en-gaging in the actions indicated in these guidelines, or starting to do so right now, you will be doing a great deal to prevent your children from becoming substance abusers.

Possibly the most diffi cult thing for you to do, especially if you grew up during the time when nearly everyone was using or experimenting with one illegal substance or another, is to model a drug-free lifestyle.

If you previously abused substances, and don’t anymore, you can still be a good role model. Take comfort and courage in the saying, “If I tell you not to do what I am doing, I am a hypocrite. If I tell you not to do what I have done, I am a teacher.”

However, if you are still using and abusing tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs, you are not in a very good role model position. You can, of course, work to change this reality. You can stop using, if possible. It is really a fi ne reason to stop doing something you enjoy for the purpose of helping your children lead healthier lives. If you cannot stop on

your own and are addicted, get the treatment you require. Doing so is also a positive parenting action: helping children see that it is possible to change your behavior even if it is a self-destructive habit.

Regardless of your personal history and involvement with sub-stances, there are some very concrete things you can do to help prevent your children from becoming dependent on drugs.

LEARN ABOUT ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND OTHER DRUGS