A roleless relationship in a marriage does not mean that nobody does anything or that the couple takes a random or haphazard approach to their home life. On the contrary, it is important for a husband and wife to come to a clear and mutual understanding of how things will be done. A relation-ship without fixed roles does mean that each partner will respond according to need, ability, and opportunity. Who regularly cooks the meals? That may depend on who is the better cook. Some husbands can cook better than their wives can. In that case, why should the wife be saddled with the responsibil-ity to prepare the meals simply because that is her “traditional” role?
A role is a temporary responsibility that is based on the ability of the one who responds. As such, roles can change from one day to the next, from one minute to the next, and from one person to the other depending on the need of the moment. What needs to be done? Who can do it the best? Who is in the best position to do it right now? It is a matter of need, ability, and opportunity. That’s why it would probably be better to refer to marital tasks as responsibilities rather than roles. Whatever the need, whoever is able and available at the time is responsible.
Relating without fixed roles is a natural outgrowth of a marriage based on agape and in which the husband and wife truly are equal partners. Agape seeks to serve rather than to be served. Jesus demonstrated this principle in a powerful example recorded in John 13:3-17. On the night before He was crucified, Jesus gathered with His followers to celebrate the Passover. As the disciples entered, no one was present to wash their feet (a task normally
assigned to the most menial of servants) and none of them volunteered to do it. Their unspoken attitude was, “That’s not my job!” Jesus Himself got up from the table, took off His outer clothing, wrapped a towel around His waist as a servant would, and proceeded to wash His disciples’ feet. There was no question of roles. Jesus saw a need and responded to it. At the same time, He taught His followers a valuable lesson in humility and service.
Agape expresses itself in conscious response to recognized needs. It is not an automatic or unconscious reaction to stimuli based on conditioned habits or attitudes. A husband’s anger at his wife’s “failure” to wash the clothes may be simply a conditioned reaction to her violation of his role concept for her. An agape response would be to think before acting or speak-ing and evaluate the situation to see if there are mitigatspeak-ing circumstances—
a legitimate reason why the laundry has not been done. Perhaps she has been caught up all day caring for a sick child. She may be under tremen-dous stress on the job or up to her eyebrows in homework for her night class. Whatever the reason, agape seeks to help with a need, not criticize a failure. Even if this husband and wife have a mutual understanding that she will normally take care of the laundry, in this instance the agape response—
the roleless response—may be for him to wash the clothes and take some of the load off her. Agape doesn’t look for roles; agape responds to needs.
AGAPEexpresses itself in conscious response to recognized needs.
Husbands and wives who approach their marriage from a roleless per-spective assume full ownership of every aspect of their life together. There are no “his” and “her” roles, only “our” responsibilities. Who does what, and when, depends on the specific circumstances. Each couple should arrive at a mutual agreement as to which of them has the primary responsi-bility for each task or need, understanding as well that ultimately they share all responsibilities together.
Assignment of marital responsibilities may depend on each person’s training, abilities, or temperament. Who should prepare the meals (prima-rily)? Whoever is the best cook. Who should manage the family finances (primarily)? Whoever has the best head for figures and bookkeeping. Who should do the house cleaning? Whoever lives in the house. Who should wash the dishes? Whoever dirties them. Who should make the bed? Who-ever sleeps in it. Who should mow the lawn? WhoWho-ever has the time and the opportunity.
Clear assignment of primary authority and responsibility between a husband and wife establishes order and helps prevent chaos and confusion.
At the same time, rather than producing rigidity in the relationship, it allows for flexibility so that either partner can do what is needed at any given time. Whoever can, does; whoever sees, acts. It’s that simple.
Functioning in marital responsibilities also will be affected by whether or not both partners have jobs outside the home. A stay-at-home wife can reasonably be expected to regularly bear a larger share of the domestic responsibilities than can a wife who works a full-time job. Sharing respon-sibilities becomes even more important when both the husband and wife are away from home during the day. Each partner needs to take into account the schedule and obligations of the other, including those of work.
Mutual understanding and cooperation are essential.
Whoever can, does; whoever sees, acts. It’s that simple.
So then, what is the husband’s “role” in the marriage? He is the “head”
of the home, the spiritual leader responsible for the spiritual direction of the family. He is to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the Church, sacrificially and unconditionally. What is the wife’s “role”? She is to respect her husband and submit to his headship. In the practical matters of home life they both should respond according to the need, their abilities, and their availability.
P R I N C I P L E S
K
1. At the most basic level, a husband and wife should relate to each other through mutual love and submission rather than through a set of predefined roles.
2. Essentially, marriage is a roleless relationship.
3. The love of Christ is a roleless love based on responses rather than expectations.
4. If there are no expectations, there are no fixed roles. Marriage then becomes a relationship based on responding to needs rather than adhering to rigid preconceptions.
5. A relationship without fixed roles does mean that each partner will respond according to need, ability, and opportunity.
6. A role is a temporary responsibility that is based on the ability of the one who responds.
7. Agape doesn’t look for roles; agape responds to needs.
8. In a roleless marriage there are no “his” and “her” roles, only
“our” responsibilities.
9. Assignment of marital responsibilities may depend on each per-son’s training, abilities, or temperament.