An’ so I held her tender hand in mine, Joy! What pleasure, human and divine.
’Til round once and more the circle turned, Deeply in our hearts the fire burned.
I lost myself to her like no other, And flew beyond such mortal sight.
Upon that darkened sacred night, Transformed within my lover.
It was a place where no-one else could come, A moment when the moon engulfed the sun, And in the forest’s deepest glade,
We reached beyond, we were remade.
An’ so I held her hand in mine, My lover, human and divine.
’Til the circle comes around again, With longing heart, I here remain.
Olvar Witchcraft does not seek equality between men and women by making the two sexes the same. Rather, Witchcraft celebrates the differences between men and women and explores the strengths and weaknesses of both. For example, in some Witchcraft traditions, the athame, or ritual knife, is typically seen as a masculine symbol, mirroring the penis. It represents the authority, in which masculine power is directed and focused. On the other hand, the cup is a feminine symbol, mirroring the womb. It represents the nurturing and embracing nature of femininity that leads to an openness and flow in life.
Yavanna writes: Although not a Witch, writer and teacher David Deida has some ideas about intimate communion between the masculine and feminine in a sexual relationship that fit very well with Witchcraft ideas about the difference between masculinity and femininity. Deida suggests that to be sexually and spiritually fulfilled, men and women must live true to their masculine or feminine sexual core. If they do not, they risk being spiritually handicapped, and unable to open fully in love. For passion to flow between the poles of masculine and feminine, the differences between the two must be magnified.
For the masculine person, the priority is the search for freedom, or the discovery of one’s deep purpose. The feminine person is more motivated by a desire for the full and free flow of love in intimacy.
The Witch knows that everyone and everything is really an expression of the same Divine love that flows through all. Our hearts yearn to open without limits to the boundless flow of the Divine.
The feminine person’s open longing for love invites and draws the masculine person into love’s depth. The masculine person’s direction and focus can be the spine of the feminine’s surrender and allow that person to relax further into love. Through the merging of heart and body during lovemaking, the two serve to open each other to that which lives and breathes through us all.
Males and females both have elements of masculine and feminine in us, although the feminine is more commonly found in females, and masculine in males. A woman may spend her day at work very much in a masculine mode, directed and focused on goals, and a man may slip into a feminine mode when comforting someone who is distressed. Deida’s point is not that women should be feminine all the time, and men masculine. His ideas also work quite well for homosexual relationships. His point is that, to maintain an intimate communion between two lovers, sexual polarity between masculinity and femininity needs to be heightened.
Olvar writes: The first time I was erotically attracted to another man was a profound moment for me. It opened up another side of me and changed the way I relate to men. I also became more aware of my own body. When Witches celebrate sexuality, they sometimes seem strongly heterosexual. However, the Craft is not heterosexist.
People in the Craft are typically very accepting of homosexuality, and a significant number of the Witches I know are bisexual or homosexual. Same sex relationships generate a different type of
‘energy’, and some people prefer to work magic in same sex circles for this reason. Dianic Witches usually have women-only circles that sometimes work with the sexual energy of lesbianism. Similarly, in one Faery tradition, male-only circles work with homosexual sexual energy. In this chapter we focus on the sexual energy of hetero-sexuality, because this is our own experience.
The celebration of sex in Witchcraft does not lead people to abandon themselves to sexual pleasure without any self control.
(Well, only sometimes!) What I mean is that celebrating the pleasure of sex is not the same as saying anything goes in sexual relations.
In fact, once sexual pleasure is seen as a spiritual act, it can lead to a greater sense of reverence and respect. As sex becomes a sacred moment, the act itself is treasured as a moment of Divine communion. Each person becomes an incarnation of the God or Goddess.
In Starhawk’s novel, The Fifth Sacred Thing, there are two contrasting sex scenes. The first sex scene occurs during a Pagan ritual. Several people are at the ritual and they all decide to have group sex. This is a consensual act that is suggested and then verbally assented to by everyone present. It becomes an act of pleasure and sacred worship. In the second sex scene, a woman makes love to a man when they are travelling together. The man does not reveal that his wife, at home and about to have a baby, would not consent to this. As a consequence the relationship between the man and wife,
and the other woman, break down. Starhawk’s point is that the important thing about sex is that it is done honestly, openly, and in an environment of trust. Witches view sex as sacred. Sex is not simply an act of physical pleasure, but a spiritual act that honours the God or Goddess in the person with whom you are having sex.
The erotic writings of Anaïs Nin, particularly Delta of Venus, taught me, as a male, a lot about sexuality. Nin reminds us of the importance of the social and emotional framing of sexual encounters.
Small acts of coldness, memories of bitterness, can make things empty. On the other hand, it is the gentleness, the sensitivity to time and anticipation, that arouses desire. Nin also emphasises reciprocity.
Sex is a deeply emotional engagement with the other person.
An unquestionably physical and emotional relationship in which body and soul are inextricably interwoven.
Witchcraft’s attitude towards sex teaches self-responsibility. Live with the consequences of your choices. Witchcraft does not encourage a view of the world in which some actions are always right and others are wrong. Sex before marriage, for example, is prohibited in some religious traditions. Witchcraft, on the other hand, encourages people to take responsibility for their sexual choices. If you choose to have sex with someone, do not regret this decision. Rather, take responsibility for the consequences of your decisions.
Yavanna writes: Yes, Witchcraft does celebrate sexual pleasure, however, the freedom to ‘go for it’ should be balanced with a sensitivity to the difficulties inherent in choosing an active sex life.
Sex is a spiritual act. As a consequence there is a sense in which, particularly for a woman, ‘giving it away’ can result in a sense of loss. Men sometimes use their power in sexual relationships to take advantage of women, and this, too, can be a source of profound pain and confusion. It is easy for men to ‘take’ from a sexual relationship without feeling, or without being concerned about the effects of their
actions. Sexual intimacy is powerful stuff and its consequences can cut deeply. Both parties must be honest with themselves about their motives.
Yavanna dreams: I am in an old Victorian mansion with a conservatory at the back. There’s lots of glass and a mature shady garden outside. I go out through French doors to a paved area shaded by tall trees. I walk along the side towards the front of the building, and Olvar comes out the front door. Next we’re on a bench in the front garden, kissing. Stroking his face and hair, drinking him in, I’m licking and sucking his tongue, pressed up against him. I can feel how hard he is. I start rubbing against him and moaning. It feels so good. I know we’re going to spend the whole day making love.
I wake up, wet and slide my hand down. Mmm, delicious throbbing, slip one finger inside. But no time! Work, deadlines, scheduling, the report, all due before the end of this week. The clock radio comes on. Time to get up and start the day—sigh.
Olvar writes: Life is full of compromise, of shortfalls. The freedom to discuss, to think about, to feel my sexual self was one of the main things that led me to Witchcraft. Witchcraft allowed me to be honest about my sexual desire, to express it and to celebrate my sexual self.
However, I often have to remind myself that Witchcraft also taught me to accept that many of my sexual dreams and fantasies are idealised. Sexual and romantic fantasies promise release and pleasure, but they do not point out that any new situation will have its own difficulties. There is no place where all is pleasure. We often long to escape from where we are now through dreams and fantasies of pleasure beyond. We live in a world where lovers may reside in other cities (as mine seem to), or where the demands of work, children, or mundane tasks leave little space for unrestrained pleasure seeking.
These can have very real impacts on people’s sex lives. A life is lived, adjusted for what must be done and things that cannot be changed.
Freedom is not to cut the chains, but to be at peace with the limitations. It is after all, what it means to be human!