I kept trying to get ahold of Trent in the days that followed, but he disappeared and stopped returning my calls. And he was never home when I went to visit. Amanda called me though and told she wanted me to meet her gay friend, Tim.
I agreed to do so and we set to meet the following Sunday. When he drove up, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. He was attractive, short black hair, well-dressed, and sporting sexy sunglasses that all but screamed “fabulous” as he pulled up in his convertible. My first impression of him was that he was what I would call a “super flamer.” But if I was gay too, could I use that term anymore?
I got into the passenger seat, trying not to act too awkward. He decided we should drive the Alpine Loop while getting to know each other. I told him about me, and how I knew
Amanda, and then he told me about himself.
“Oh, I figured it out when I was like twelve. You know? The boy across the classroom lookin’ mighty fine.” He winked at me, and I wanted to melt into the leather seat.
“I came out in high school.”
“In Utah?! What was that like?” I couldn’t even imagine the prejudice and discrimination he must’ve faced. How brave.
“Darlin’, when you come out in Mormon-town, you instantly become the most popular kid in school.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Every Mormon girl wants to have a gay best friend.” He laughed like it was nothing.
“So how did you end up at BYU?”
He looked at me over the rims of his sunglasses. “Oh, I didn’t want to go to BYU. No sirree. But my Bishop counseled me that it would be a safe place. So I gave in and decided to apply, but only because of my Bishop. I was just sacred that I was going to be alone.” He a hand up to his forehead, going completely over-the-top. “I didn’t want to be a lone sufferer, dying in self-made silence.”
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I almost snorted. “Are you alone?”
“Heavens, no. I’ve got all kinds of friends. And they’re all over the spectrum. Married to girls, dating guys, falling away from the Church, staying in the Church; everything in between.” I couldn’t really pay any attention to the forests and trees we were driving past because I was too interested in Tim and his experiences.
“So where do you stand on the whole thing?”
“Well, let me say that I know I can be with a woman. And I am glad for that knowledge, even if I paid dearly to obtain it.” He made a wry face. Again I asked myself if I would need to date a guy in order to learn what I wanted.
“So are you like out to everyone?”
“Well, I don’t really hide, if that’s what you’re asking. Guys come out to me all the time because they know I’m gay.” He was in Men’s Chorus, and orchestra, and did acting. “I just got done with a part that was pretty flamboyant, if I do say so myself. I had rhinestones and a feather boa even.” This time, I couldn’t help laughing. Somehow it just fit Tim so well. “I mean, I do have to be careful, especially now that I’m getting bigger parts and doing more prominent things with the school. People are starting to get wary. They are watching me.” I felt a tingle of fear go through me and remembered the guys in suits at the Soulforce rally.
I could tell that Tim wasn’t one to shy away from being the center of attention. “Are you dating?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t call it that. There is a boy that I cuddle with now and again, but ‘boyfriends’ is too strong of a term. And the gospel is important to me. I’m not some loose apostate. I know I could do more to be better. I could work harder at ‘standing in holy places’ – is that the Especially for Youth theme this year?”
I shook my head and shrugged. I had no idea.
“I’ve been thinking about experimenting. Trying to find someone to date.”
He held up a finger in caution. “Well, lemme just warn you honey that everyone I know – including me – that’s screwed somebody… that was before making temple covenants. You’re on a whole other level.”
I sighed and looked away, staring at the passing scenery. Again, no real solution for me. “Would it be worth it?” I asked myself aloud.
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I mentioned Trent and his analogy about the burner. Tim took off his sunglasses, so he could see me better. “Let me be serious for a second.”
“Yeah?”
“You be careful around that boy, Trent.” “Oh?”
“I don’t think he’s in a good spot just now.” “How so?”
“Well, I can’t really talk about it; it’s not my place.”
The conversation lulled after that, and we talked about more mundane things like our summer plans. Tim was off to Europe for a few weeks, and wouldn’t be back until the end of May. Still, I was glad to have met him; if only because it gave me a different perspective from Trent and John. There was more than one type of same-sex Mormon, and apparently, they didn’t all get along either; more food for thought about my own path.
I found another book called In Quiet Desperation, by a gay Mormon named Ty
Mansfield, that also had a section by the Matis’. Reading it was a powerful experience for me, especially learning more about Stuart and his dedication to the gospel and sole desire to have his same-sex attraction taken away from him. He wore holes in his carpet from spending so much time on his knees praying that God would fix him and take away the longings he had. And when they didn’t go away, he blew his brains out. Ty’s part was a different tone. It was super gospel- heavy. Faith this and faith that, atonement, Christ, and joy in the journey. I understood that he was trying to be sincere, but I couldn’t stomach all that rhetoric and preachy patronization. I ended up putting the book down and not going back to it.
My cousin was getting married so I skipped out on a Mission Reunion to go to that. My cousin Danielle picked me up. She was a few years older than me and good friends with Alex. As soon as I got in the car, I knew that before the day was over, I would come out to her. After a few minutes into the drive, I asked, “Where’s your husband? He couldn’t come?”
An awkward silence followed. Then she decided to tell me the truth. “We… we got divorced, Daniel.”
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“Oh.” How could I not have known that? I felt so embarrassed. Divorce, like being gay, was generally a taboo subject in Mormonism, so our families likely pretended it hadn’t
happened. That was always easier. Like my parents wanted me to do: just sweep it back under the rug and press onward.
So she had baggage too. We chatted about my family members. I told her about Alex and Lindsay, and even some about Carter. She caught me up on her family dealings as well.
Eventually she got around to the subject I knew she would. “So, how’s dating?” I looked out the window and took a deep breath. “It’s…” I moved my head around, dancing around the answer. “It’s difficult.”
She smiled, but didn’t say anything.
Suddenly, I punched the dashboard, and Dani jumped. “This is so stupid! Why can’t I just say it? Why can’t I just talk?”
“Daniel, it’s okay. Whatever it is. Trust me.”
“It’s just so frustrating. Why can’t I just say the words. It’s three stupid words.” “What are they?” she prompted.
Finally, I got it out. “I’m same-sex attracted.” I breathed out and briefly closed my eyes, then turned to look at her to see how she responded.
Dani pursed her lips and thought for a moment before replying. “That sounds so hard, Daniel.”
I laughed and smiled and relaxed a little more into my seat. “It is.” “So do you go to the temple?” She connected the dots pretty quickly. “About that…”
“Mhmmm?”
“I don’t think I’m gonna go inside. I’m not willing to sacrifice my personal honesty to save face with the relatives.”
“Well, do you still have a testimony?”
Her question stung for some reason, and I wasn’t expecting that. The car felt too small, the same way it had when Vicki was grilling me.
“I don’t know anymore,” I said, not shying away from the way that I felt. “I haven’t for a while now.”
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Our conversation was cut short because we arrived at Dani’s sister’s house. We got out and greeted everyone, then drove with them to some soccer fields, where one of my first cousins once removed had a game. We left the kids with her husband’s mother, who I’d never met before. I sat in the back and pondered while the two of them chatted away and we drove up to Logan.
Once we arrived, I ended up going inside. I’d weighed it again in my mind and decided that attending the ceremony would be okay. I wasn’t actively participating, or making promises I wouldn’t keep. I was just watching.
Waiting for the ceremony to begin, I thought about where I was with everything, especially Dani’s question: Where is your testimony?
I felt okay and the chapel we were sitting in was peaceful. The Spirit, or something I didn’t think I fully understood, was there, and I felt calmed. I felt something. And that
something, even if I couldn’t name it outright, reconfirmed in my mind why I was there and that I wouldn’t abandon the Church. I couldn’t.
The sealing itself made me cry. I watched them smiling and happy, reveling in one another’s presence. They were now married for time and all eternity, so long as they remained faithful. I was jealous. Something in my head said, Hey, that’s what you’ll be missing if you
leave. Keep the faith. But at the exact same time I wondered why my desire to have a strong boy
take care of me was so powerful. These two polar opposites pushed at one another with enough force to give me a never-ending headache. Bishop seemed to think there was a way to have both and so did Trent. I just had to figure out how to find it, too.
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