Trying new things

The participants said that they found themselves trying new things after their sibling’s death. In some cases this involved a level of recklessness and daring they had not engaged in before . Various studies have drawn attention to the problem of bereaved adolescents engaging in impulsive and risky

behaviours and these are normally undertaken with their peers. Ringler and Hayden (2000) who investigated the role of social support of adolescents grieving the loss of a peer assert that knowledge of how to support an adolescent who is grieving is important as epidemiological evidence points to a greater incidence of problems for adolescents who have experienced a significant loss. According to Horsley and Patterson (2006: 120) a sudden death leaves the survivor feeling out of control and this anger is often expressed through high-risk behaviors such as drug use and sexual activity in order to block out thoughts and feelings associated with the sibling death. In a South African study Garzouzie (2011: 3) identified high-risk behaviours like drug and alcohol abuse, unprotected sex, dangerous behaviours, and suicide in parent-bereaved adolescents who have not dealt with loss effectively, stressing the need to protect them by offering support.

While suicide ideation was not expressed in the present study, the participants did express concern about life events that could lead to a sense of hopelessness and suicidal feelings. I did not specifically probe for disclosures about high risk behaviour and what emerged spontaneously is that many of the participants adopted a fatalistic “I don’t care” attitude towards their personal safety in the early months. In the isiXhosa-speaking focus group this emerged less strongly but this should be qualified by the recognition that there was also less time to explore peripheral issues because discussion centered on the trauma of their siblings deaths and the time used to translate or clarify certain points ate into the allotted time. Hogan and DeSantis (1994) found that adolescents may undertake risky behaviors such as binge drinking to numb themselves from feelings of grief and loss. In the present study some participants spoke about taking more physical risks and some discussed using alcohol excessively after their sibling died.

Like I’ve gone out and got completely smashed, coz like I felt like I needed to do that (laughs) never again! The thing is I used to be so aware of what people think, like including my parents. Like before, I would never have gone out and got pissed without out, I mean without their permission. I don’t think, well I mean I didn’t think of the risks of things, you know what the consequences are, that’s probably a problem. (Lauren, aged 15)

Well um I partied and drank a lot more after my brother. A lot more than what I did before the accident, about double. I was fearless to the point of recklessness, especially the first year after. (Louise, aged 20)

I started drinking a lot. No one was really paying attention and a lot of things started shifting in my life. (Rob, aged 22)

None of the participants mentioned drug-taking or sexual activity but it is reasonable to assume that it would take repeated interactions to build a level of trust where participants would be comfortable raising these issues within a group discussion.

In the main, the new things the participants started doing since their sibling’s death involved activities led to them extending themselves rather than behaving recklessly. They talked about how they had learned to surf, or started other new sports or how they found release in creative pastimes.

I started surfing and I like practice tricks on bikes and skateboard and like bikes and, like well I do a lot more things now. Just to keep myself busy. (Clayton, aged 16)

After my brother passed away I started playing cricket and I play for a team now. (Themba, aged 16)

Doing art helps me. I love art and watching movies and reading ... usually reading. And I really want to get into motor cross but I’m not allowed coz of my brother dying like, but it just looks so fun and I love quad bikes just I wouldn’t be as reckless as I was before. (Lauren, aged 15)

Consistent with Demmer and Rothschild’s (2011: 21) study with a South African sample of sibling- bereaved adolescents, I found high levels of perseverance amongst the participants in the present study. This was expressed in their determination to do well at school or in sport. Achievement in these spheres was frequently linked to their sibling’s legacy and viewed as a way of honoring them / doing something they were no longer able to do.

So I pushed through and it was like I was doing it for me and for him you know. And what’s really cool the tournament was started in memory of another guy who died, like also a school kid and he a number one tennis player. I didn’t really think that I could win so when I got the trophy, well I’m the first guy in my school to win it and everyone was there like supporting me and it’s what I needed. (Hendri, aged 20)

I worked hard I was really determined. It was like ‘I’m going to do this for you.’ So I put a lot of effort into my work and into my sport. And then when I finished matric I took a year off and I travelled and saw the world and like that was amazing. I learnt a lot, by myself and Ja, it was like my release. (Jenna, aged 19)