All women described experiencing some form of behaviour that undermined, destabilised or invalidated them. Six sub-categories are described below.
Lie, deceive, contradict or mislead. All women indicated that their partners contradicted themselves or lied, deceived or misled them. Violet’s ex-husband would argue with her about something that she had apparently said. These arguments annoyed and frustrated her because there was no winning in them. He then used to contradict himself by stating things like: “‘I don’t expect my wife to work’, but then he’d drill me about money and not doing my bit as far as the business was concerned”. Nina’s ex-partner was “very good at painting pictures” and making promises regarding their future together. He promised her things he knew she wanted and, during the relationship, she thought she had something that actually was not there. Only later she realised that there was no solid base for his promises and fantasies. Murphy (2010) described similar behaviour which fell under mind games, where a man questions a woman’s judgment and conducts actions that do not match his words.
Make a woman question herself or her sanity. Almost all women identified situations where their partners made them question themselves or their sanity. They caused women to be confused about themselves, by describing them as someone they were not, or messing with their mind. The behaviours I am about to describe are similar to the theme described by Tolman (1992) as ‘psychological destabilisation’. The literature indicates that men can deceive their partners by deliberately confusing them (Tolman, 1992), not clarifying mixed messages (Murphy, 2010), or minimising, denying or justifying behaviours, causing women to be distressed (James & MacKinnon, 2010). MacKinnon (2008) said that women who experience psychological abuse may become troubled or confused about their
perceptions. The following examples were provided by my participants.
Nicky, who is in her late 20s and re-partnered, said that her ex-partner made her feel powerless and stupid, or as if she was going to do the wrong thing all the time, which had a negative effect on her. Some of my participants described how their ex-partners called them either “overly sensitive”, “emotional”, “dramatic”, “hysterical”, “unpredictable”, “needy”,
“crazy” or “insecure”, consequently making them believe these things about themselves. In
some public occasions Nina’s ex-partner would tell her that she apparently made people feel uncomfortable, or she had said or done something wrong, even though she was just nervous or shy when interacting with others. This behaviour caused her to be confused:
I was very, very confused for a long time about being told I was a whole variety of problems, which I couldn’t really see myself. But they were actually, I think, the things he was worried about in himself. But I believed it for a long time so that was quite subtle, he did it in a very believable kind of way and so therefore all problems in the relationship were sort of put on me, I guess offloading all the problems on to me
… even though it feels really obvious now, it was subtle at the time. (Nina)
Thirty-year old Samantha described her ex-partner’s behaviour as “very twisted”. He discredited the psychologist she was seeing during their relationship, because this professional pointed out that the relationship was problematic. This form of discrediting led her back to the relationship and to the same frame of mind she had before, even though she felt that
psychologist had a certain amount of credibility.
Blame a woman for his violent behaviours and/or his problems. Most women stated that their partner either blamed them for the issues and their behaviours, or transferred or offloaded the problems onto them. Burks (2006), Murphy (2011) and Tolman (1992) pointed out that the perpetrator may deny his actions, or blame the partner for his behaviour and angry mood or accuse her of overacting. This type of behaviour may cause women to self-blame and personalise the abuser’s accusations (MacKinnon, 2008). About 12% of 1836 women reported that their partners blamed them for causing their violent behaviour in
Hegarty and Bush’s (2002) research. Stark (2007) points out that perpetrators lie to others about the abuse, transfer responsibility to their partner or acknowledge the abuse but minimise how serious it is.
Both Adele (a mother in her early 30s) and Simona (a mother of two children, in her early 40s) described how their ex-husbands blamed them for their marriage failure and breaking up the family. Rachel’s ex-husband made her “accountable for everything that went wrong in his life” by blaming her for his personal life and his gambling problems, which according to him she did not handle correctly, even though she sought support and suggestions from ‘Gamblers Anonymous’.
Make a woman feel bad and guilty. Most women stated that their partners made them feel bad or guilty about something. Elizabeth, a postgraduate student in her early 30s, experienced guilt trips from her ex-boyfriend, who would question her trust or respect
towards him when she would enquire about his life. He would blame and make her feel guilty about offending other people when she gave suggestions or tried to be helpful. Guilt tripping or guilt-induction is one of the common behaviours used to describe EPA (Follingstad et al.,
2005; Murphy, 2010). For Emily, a postgraduate student in her late 20s, her ex-boyfriend made her feel guilty when she asked him not to use her as material for a stand-up comedy routine by questioning her wish for his success. She is still worried that he might talk about her in negative ways and angry that he might be getting income at her expense.
Sometimes men might use children to make women feel bad about themselves or as mothers. Simona said that her ex-husband did not keep the promise he made in the Family Court about paying for their children’s extra curriculum activities. Instead, he baited her with
“that’s how much you love the children, and that’s how much you care for your children and you won’t even pay for school fees, you are a disgrace”.
Encourage the view that there is no one else but him. Almost three-quarters of the women described how their partners would try and destabilise them by stating that they were the only ones who would love and care for them. Men made comments stating that no one else would want the woman by consequently attacking her vulnerable areas, or that she would not manage or be able to take care of herself without him. According to Murphy (2010) this is a form of mind game, where a partner tells a woman that their relationship is the best she can hope for. Women may internalise these messages and come to feel and believe that the perpetrator is the only one who could ever love them (Burks, 2006).
In Maria’s instance, her ex-partner would taunt her about her disability and say that she would “never find anybody” because of it and her several pets. Tamara’s ex-partner used to point out that if it was not for him she would be a single mother, and after separation he told her that she would not have a new partner because she was now a single mother. In the same manner, Tina’s ex-husband would tell her “who would want to marry you?” if he had not come along. Due to these constant remarks, she felt that she could not say anything back and felt like nobody would want her. The ex-boyfriend of one of the youngest participants (Emily, early 20s) in my study used to subtly make her think that she “could never date anyone else: that he was it for [her]”. Hegarty and Bush (2002) found that 8% of their 1836 women stated that their partner told them that no one else would ever want them.
Encourage uncertainty around the relationship. Under a quarter of the women explained that their partners did not reassure them about their relationship status. For example, Rachel did not know whether she was coming or going. Her ex-husband made out that he was trying to fix their relationship and would ask to get back together, yet she would find out about his lies including getting someone pregnant. The following example
demonstrates how Emily had no affirmation of her relationship:
In the first three and a half months we had a couple of mutual friends just because of the way we’ve met and … they would automatically refer to me as his girlfriend and he would get really angry and he [would] almost yell at them and say – ‘she’s not my
F---ing Girlfriend, don’t say that, we’re just dating’, and it was an over the top reaction really. When I look back now, I think that’s really so disrespectful and hurtful. But at the time I just felt very awkward in this situation and was just like, yeah, we’re just dating, whatever, shut up, don’t say stuff like that. Cause I was like,
‘ohh God, don’t ruin it for me, you’re going to make him freak out and he won’t want to stay in the relationship anymore’. (Emily)
A similar experience was reported by Elizabeth, who could not receive a concrete response from her ex-boyfriend about confirming their relationship. Towards the end of the relationship she said that he started using a search engine for singles, so when she suggested that they become friends, he accused her of being over-emotional and that there was a serious misunderstanding between them.