One of the best ways to analyse what makes a good business letter is to look at some examples. This section gives both good and bad examples to illustrate good practice and some of the common pitfalls of business letter writing.
Because of the one-way and asynchronous nature of the business letter, receivers have to interpret the message based on the words used and the image the letter presents. Chapter 12 has already looked at style and how the use of grammar, vocabulary and presentation contribute to how a message is communicated. Where possible, the style should be tailored to the receiver and what the letter is trying to achieve. However, where the receiver of a letter is not known to the sender, or where a standard letter is used unthinkingly, the potential for miscommunication is great.
Sample 13.2 shows an example of a letter which is less than clear in its objectives and leaves much to be desired in terms of style.
Write a brief business letter incorporating all the key elements outlined above.
Test yourself 13.1
Intention
It is unclear what the main intention of the letter is. Is it to:
● simply remind people to pay the bill?
● make check-out quicker or easier?
● sell a transport service to the airport?
● persuade people to come and stay again (and thus presumably give an impression of efficiency and good service)?
● just say ‘Thank you’?
Because of this lack of clarity, the message itself is confused and unclear. For example, nothing about the check-out procedure is explained, nor are reasons given as to why someone should stay again.
Style
The language used in the letter is old-fashioned, with rather pompous-sounding phrases such as: ‘we wish to point out that’ and ‘in order to facilitate’, when something shorter, more straightforward and businesslike would surely be better. The choice of words such as irregularities almost suggests that something will be wrong with the account and everything is expressed from an introspective point of view: ‘we’, ‘we’ and
‘we’ again leading in to every point. Sentences are neither clear nor concise.
Even where the recipient is not known personally to the sender, it is important to think about any general characteristics which the receiver might have. For example, a hotel offering luxury transport to an airport must have a high percentage of customers whose first language is not English. When sending a letter chasing payment, it may be important to think about the nature of the relationship with the recipient (is it long-standing? how important is their business to your organisation?). Such factors may well influence the level of formality and overall tone of the letter.
Samples 13.3 and 13.4 show alternative approaches to a letter written by a training organisation to someone who failed to attend on the date on which they were booked for a training course and who wrote requesting a refund.
Sounding too formal or adopting an off-hand approach may be because of urgency or lack of thought, but they can create letters that do more harm than good. Sample 13.3 is neither polite nor helpful and is unlikely to be received positively, present a good image for the training company or encourage an ongoing relationship with the
customer. The structure and layout of the letter also leaves something to be desired.
Contrast this approach with Sample 13.4.
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Sample 13.4
15 December 2005 Peter Smith
Clocktower Engineering Ltd Arlton Road
London N 1 Dear Mr Smith
Seminar booking for 10 December 2005: Making Successful Presentations
You must have been annoyed to miss attending the above seminar for which you were registered as a delegate; I was sorry to receive your letter of 14 December setting out the circumstances.
The joining instructions (copy enclosed) sent to you did give the correct information, but we should perhaps have made the details clearer, especially as you were intending to attend at short notice.
Luckily the programme is scheduled to run again before too long. I have therefore moved your registration forward to the next date: 2 February 2006. The seminar will take place at the same venue. I hope this will be convenient for you, and that you will be able to put the date in your diary now while places are still available.
Information about this (and about later dates, just in case) is enclosed.
My colleague, Sue Smith, will call you in a day or two to confirm the arrangements. I am sure you will find the programme useful when you do attend. If you have any special objectives in attending, do let us know; we aim to meet participants’ needs as individually as possible.
I look forward to meeting you before too long.
Yours sincerely JOHN NICKSON Training Manager
Sample 13.3
15 December 2005 Peter Smith
Clocktower Engineering Ltd Arlton Road
London N1 Dear Mr Smith
Thank you for your letter of 14 December. You will see that you missed attending our training programme Making Successful Presentations which you were registered to attend on 10 December because you misread the joining instructions.
The enclosed copy clearly shows that the correct details of time and place were sent to you.
If you want to try again, the programme runs again on 2 February next year, at the same venue. You will need to record your intention to attend in writing.
Yours sincerely JOHN NICKSON
Although the client in this example has obviously contributed to the confusion surrounding his non-attendance, letting the customer down lightly and offering an alternative is a better long-term strategy. The letter in Sample 13.4 adopts a friendlier tone, but is not unnecessarily apologetic and sets the facts out in a clear and unambiguous style. It also makes plain that the recipient needs to make a decision about the alternative offered, which is reinforced by the promised phone call to confirm what that decision will be. Finally, it opens the possibility of further communication with the offer of discussing what the recipient would like to get out of the training course before attending.
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Stop and think 13.1
Look at the structure of the two letters in Samples 13.3 and 13.4. Which one do you think is better? Can you identify the elements which make a difference between the two?